A Bit of a Do1989

[Elvis is working as a wine waiter and has just delivered drinks to Simon and his friends]

Simon:
So, Elvis, are you finding your *three years* as a philosophy graduate helpful in your job?

Elvis:
Incredibly.

Simon:
Oh, good, good. You don't feel that the taxpayers' money has been poured down the drain, then?

Elvis:
Money, money, money! I hear the heart of an estate agent beating like a till. In my brief spell as a waiter, Simon, I have learned the answer to a question that has exercised philosophers down the ages.

Simon:
What question?

Elvis:
Is the external world real or is it just a figment of the imagination? Do you exist outside my mind? I now know that you do.

Simon:
How?

Elvis:
[snarls] Because I wouldn't have wasted my time inventing anyone as *futile* as you!

Simon:
[snarls] Ditto... with knobs on!

Elvis:
Precisely. Case proven.

[pause]

Elvis:
[obsequiously] That'll be ?9.46, sir. Call it ?10 for cash.