A Charlie Brown Christmas

Sally:
I've been looking for you, big brother. Will you please write a letter to Santa Claus for me?

Charlie Brown:
Well, I don't have much time. I'm supposed to get down to the school auditorium to direct a Christmas play.

Sally:
[hands a clipboard and pen to Charlie Brown] You write it and I'll tell you what I want to say.

Charlie Brown:
[sticks pen in his mouth] Okay, shoot.

Sally:
[dictating her letter to Santa Claus as Charlie Brown writes it for her] Dear Santa Claus, How have you been? Did you have a nice summer?

[Charlie Brown looks at her]

Sally:
How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want.

Charlie Brown:
Oh brother.

Sally:
Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties?

Charlie Brown:
TENS AND TWENTIES? Oh, even my baby sister!

Sally:
All I want is what I... I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

Lucy Van Pelt:
You DO think I'm beautiful, don't you, Charlie Brown?

[pause]

Lucy Van Pelt:
You didn't answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn't you? If you really had thought I was beautiful, you would've spoken right up. I know when I've been insulted. I KNOW WHEN I'VE BEEN INSULTED.

Charlie Brown:
Good grief.

Linus Van Pelt:
I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.

Schroeder:
This is the music I've selected for the Christmas play.

[Schroeder plays Fur Elise]

Lucy Van Pelt:
What kind of Christmas music is *that*?

Schroeder:
Beethoven Christmas music.

Lucy Van Pelt:
What has Beethoven got to do with Christmas? Everyone talks about how "great" Beethoven was. Beethoven wasn't so great.

[Schroeder stops playing]

Schroeder:
What do you mean Beethoven wasn't so great?

Lucy Van Pelt:
He never got his picture on bubblegum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his picture on a bubblegum card? Hmmm? How can you say someone is great who's never had his picture on bubblegum cards?

Schroeder:
Good grief.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

Charlie Brown:
I don't think that's quite it.

Lucy Van Pelt:
How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.

Charlie Brown:
Well, sort of, but I'm not sure.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

Charlie Brown:
What's pantophobia?

Lucy Van Pelt:
The fear of everything.

Charlie Brown:
THAT'S IT!

[Lucy goes flying out into a field of snow]

Charlie Brown:
Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me, Violet.

Violet:
I didn't send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown:
Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?

Everyone:
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown:
I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn't have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about.

[shouting in desperation]

Charlie Brown:
Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

Linus Van Pelt:
Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

[moves toward the center of the stage]

Linus Van Pelt:
Lights, please.

[a spotlight shines on Linus]

Linus Van Pelt:
"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not:"

[Linus drops his security blanket on purpose]

Linus Van Pelt:
"for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

[Luke 2:
8-14 KJV]

Linus Van Pelt:
[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown] That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Lucy Van Pelt:
You're the innkeeper's wife.

Frieda:
Do innkeeper's wives have naturally curly hair?

Lucy Van Pelt:
I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.

Charlie Brown:
What is it you want?

Lucy Van Pelt:
Real estate.

Charlie Brown:
[Yells into mailbox] Hello in there. [looks away and soon begins to walk] Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

Lucy Van Pelt:
Linus, you've got to get rid of that stupid blanket, and here, memorize these lines.

Linus Van Pelt:
I can't memorize these lines. This is ridiculous.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Memorize it and be ready to recite when your cue comes.

Linus Van Pelt:
I can't memorize something like this so quickly. Why should I be put through such agony? Give me one good reason why I should memorize this.

Lucy Van Pelt:
I'll give you five good reasons.

[proceeds to make a fist out of her fingers]

Lucy Van Pelt:
One, two, three, four, FIVE!

Linus Van Pelt:
[begins shaking his head emphatically] Those are good reasons. Christmas is not only getting too commercial, it's getting too dangerous.

Lucy Van Pelt:
And get rid of that stupid blanket! What's a Christmas shepherd gonna look like holding a stupid blanket like that?

Linus Van Pelt:
Well, this is one Christmas shepherd who's going to keep his trusty blanket with him.

[Lucy raises her fist to strike Linus; Linus puts his blanket over his head like a headdress]

Linus Van Pelt:
See? You wouldn't hurt an innocent shepherd, would you?

Patty:
Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue. It's fun.

Linus Van Pelt:
Mmm. Needs sugar.

Lucy Van Pelt:
It's too early. I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.

Linus Van Pelt:
They sure look ripe to me.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Here he comes! Attention, everyone, here's our director.

[Charlie Brown enters, while everyone applauds]

Snoopy:
Whoooooooooooooooooooooo.

Charlie Brown:
[sarcastically] Man's best friend.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Say, by the way, can you play "Jingle Bells?"

[Schroeder proceeds to play "Jingle Bells", which sounds like a traditional grand piano]

Lucy Van Pelt:
[interrupting] No, no. I mean "Jingle Bells." You know, deck them halls and all that stuff?

[Schroeder begins to play again, with the piano sounding like an organ]

Lucy Van Pelt:
[interrupting again] No, no. You don't get it at all. I mean "Jingle Bells." You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls.

[gazes lovingly at Schroeder, who then out of frustration taps one key of the piano while playing "Jingle Bells," which sounds like a child's toy piano]

Lucy Van Pelt:
That's it!

[Schroeder turns a few unplanned flips from Lucy's reaction]

Shermy:
Every Christmas it's the same. I always end up playing a shepherd.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Get the biggest aluminum tree you can find, Charlie Brown, maybe painted pink.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.

Lucy Van Pelt:
You think you're so smart with that blanket. What are you going to do with it when you grow up?

Linus Van Pelt:
Maybe I'll make it into a sport coat.

Charlie Brown:
Look, let's rehearse the scene at the inn. Frieda...

Frieda:
I can't go on, there's too much dust. It's taking the curl out of my naturally curly hair.

Charlie Brown:
Don't think of it as dust. Think of it as maybe the soil of some great past civilization. Maybe the soil of ancient Babylon. It staggers the imagination. He may be carrying soil that was trod upon by Solomon, or even Nebuchudnezzar.

Pig-Pen:
Sort of makes you want to treat me with more respect, doesn't it?

Frieda:
You're an absolute mess. Just look at yourself.

Pig-Pen:
[looks at himself in Frieda's mirror and smiles] On the contrary, I didn't think I looked THAT good.

Charlie Brown:
Pig-Pen, you're the only person I know who can raise a cloud of dust in a snowstorm.

[Linus knocks on an aluminum Christmas tree, which gives a metallic "clank"]

Linus Van Pelt:
This really brings Christmas close to a person.

Charlie Brown:
[gazes in amazement] Fantastic.

[Charlie Brown hangs an ornament on the tree; it bends over]

Charlie Brown:
I've killed it. Oh! Everything I touch gets ruined.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Pig-Pen, you're the innkeeper.

Pig-Pen:
In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat inn.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Snoopy, you'll have to be all the animals in our play. Can you be a sheep?

Snoopy:
Baaa!

Lucy Van Pelt:
How about a cow?

Snoopy:
Moo!

Lucy Van Pelt:
How about a penguin?

[Snoopy waddles like a penguin]

Lucy Van Pelt:
Yes, he's even a good penguin.

Snoopy:
Roar!

[Snoopy then fights like a boxer and jumps on Lucy's head, acting like a vulture]

Lucy Van Pelt:
[throwing Snoopy off her head] No, no, no!

[Snoopy starts mocking Lucy]

Lucy Van Pelt:
Listen, all of you! You've got to take direction! You've got to have discipline! You've got to have respect for your director!

[notices Snoopy]

Lucy Van Pelt:
I oughta slug you!

Lucy Van Pelt:
[Snoopy licks her face] Ugh! I've been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some Iodine!

Snoopy:
[Snoopy sticks out his tongue] Bleah!

[Charlie Brown and Linus return with the puny little tree]

Violet:
Boy, are you stupid, Charlie Brown.

Patty:
What kind of a tree is that?

Lucy Van Pelt:
You were supposed to get a *good* tree. Can't you even tell a good tree from a poor tree?

Violet:
I told you he'd goof it up. He isn't the kind you can depend on to do anything right.

Patty:
You're hopeless, Charlie Brown.

Frieda:
Completely hopeless

Charlie Brown:
[upset] Rats!

Lucy Van Pelt:
You've been dumb before, Charlie Brown, but this time, you really did it.

[pause; then everyone bursts out laughing]

Lucy Van Pelt:
[laughing] What a tree!

Linus Van Pelt:
[after Linus and Charlie Brown discover the little tree] Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?

Charlie Brown:
This little green one here seems to need a home.

Linus Van Pelt:
I don't know, Charlie Brown. Remember what Lucy said? This doesn't seem to fit the modern spirit.

Charlie Brown:
I don't care. We'll decorate it and it'll be just right for our play. Besides, I think it needs me.

[picks up tree; a lot of needles fall off]

[first lines]

Charlie Brown:
[Charlie Brown and Linus stop at a wall on their trip to the pond for ice skating] I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.

[begins to walk with Linus again]

Charlie Brown:
I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus Van Pelt:
Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest.

[repeated line]

Charlie Brown:
What's going on here?

Charlie Brown:
Actually, Lucy, my trouble is Christmas. I just don't understand it. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.

Lucy Van Pelt:
You need involvement. You'll need to get involved in some real Christmas project. How would you like to be the director of our Christmas play?

Charlie Brown:
[lighting up excitedly] Me? You want *me* to be the director of the Christmas play?

Charlie Brown:
Stop the music! All right now, we're going to do this play, and we're going to do it right. Lucy, get those costumes and scripts and pass them out. Now the script girl will be handing out your parts.

Lucy Van Pelt:
May I help you?

Charlie Brown:
I'm in bad shape.

Lucy Van Pelt:
Wait a minute. Before we begin, I request that you pay in advance. Five cents, please. [Charlie Brown drops a nickel on the can] Boy, what a sound! How I love the sound of clinking money! That beautiful sound of cold hard cash! Nickels, nickels, nickels! That beautiful sound of clinking nickels!

Charlie Brown:
Sally, come here.

Linus Van Pelt:
What do you want her for?

Charlie Brown:
She's gonna be your wife.

[Sally is seen surrounded by hearts and clapping her hands in glee]

Linus Van Pelt:
Good grief.

Sally:
Isn't he the cutest thing?

[Linus hides himself under his blanket]

Sally:
He has the nicest sense of humor.