A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!

Stephen Colbert:
[Elvis Costello is being attacked by a bear] Wait. Feist, you're an angel! Do something!

Feist:
I have no power over bears! They're godless killing machines!

Elvis Costello:
Thank you Father Christmas. You got me just what I wanted most: the gift of not being digested by a bear.

Stephen Colbert:
I'm so excited right now, I'm sporting a yule log.

Stephen Colbert:
I love "White Christmas" and "Silver Bells" and "Puff the Magic Dragon", but I found out when you sing those old holiday standards, someone else gets the royalty check. That doesn't sound like Christmas to me.

Stephen Colbert:
Say something a bear would never say!

Toby Keith:
[behind cabin door] I hate honey!

Stephen Colbert:
[to self] OK, it checks out.

Stephen Colbert:
What are you doing in my nativity scene?

Willie Nelson:
Stephen, right now I'm so high *you're* hallucinating.

Stephen Colbert:
[lifts up his right hand; it appears to be a deer hoof] Whoa.

Jon Stewart:
I just heard on the radio - the Jonas Brothers have fallen through the ice.

Stephen Colbert:
[dramatically] And?

Jon Stewart:
[grins] They will be missed.

Jon Stewart:
[singing] We have latkas...

Stephen Colbert:
What are they?

Jon Stewart:
[singing]... potato pancakes. We have dreidels...

Stephen Colbert:
What are they?

Jon Stewart:
[singing]... wooden tops. We have candles...

Stephen Colbert:
What are they?

Jon Stewart:
[yelling] They are *candles*!

Stephen Colbert:
[holding a replica lightsaber] If this can handle an aqua-lish at the Mos Eisley spaceport, I'd say it can handle a grizz.

[Stephen's fireplace is actually a television image]

Stephen Colbert:
Listen, you must be cold. Why don't you warm yourself up by the fire and I'll get us some eggnog.

John Legend:
Sounds good. You mind if I take the mute off?

[Elvis Costello materializes outside the cabin]

Elvis Costello:
What?

Stephen Colbert:
Elvis!

Elvis Costello:
Stephen! How did I get to your mountain cabin?

Stephen Colbert:
It's a Christmas miracle! Oh, nothing can stop my Christmas special now!

[Elvis is immediately attacked by the bear]

Elvis Costello:
Thank you, Father Christmas. You got me just what I wanted most: the gift of not being digested by a bear.

[Last lines; as the end credits are rolling]

Elvis Costello:
[interrupting] Wait! [singing] Jingle Man, Christmas Boy, fighting crime with *toys*!

Stephen Colbert:
That's it! I'm gonna put on a pot of coffee, Elvis. We got a Christmas special to write!

[repeated line]

Stephen Colbert:
Oh, look. We're under the mistletoe. Well, this is awkward.

Stephen Colbert:
There's enough rum in here to blind a pirate. [referring to the eggnog]