A Fish Called Wanda

Otto:
So, you like animals, Ken. What's the attraction?

Ken:
You can trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh-

Otto:
Sh*t on you?

Ken:
... Shove off all the t-t-t.

Wanda:
I'm sorry about Otto, Ken. I know he can be insensitive, but he's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

Ken:
Good!

Otto:
[to Wanda about Archie] When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda:
I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto:
So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?

Wendy:
My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjensenjen, and I happen to know perfectly well that you do not keep the general public informed when you are debriefing a KGB defector in a safe house.

Otto:
Oh you don't?

Wendy:
Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.

Otto:
Don't call me stupid.

Wendy:
Why on Earth not?

Archie:
How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

Otto:
You're the vulgarian, you f***!

[Otto dangling Archie out of a window]

Archie:
All right, all right, I apologize.

Otto:
You're really sorry?

Archie:
I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.

Otto:
You take it back?

Archie:
I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto:
[thinks a moment] Okay.

Archie:
You make me feel free!

Wanda:
Free?

Archie:
Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone, 'Are you married?' and hearing, ' My wife left me this morning,' or saying, uh, ' Do you have children?' and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know; we've these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

Wanda:
[kisses him] ...Yeah.

Wanda:
But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto:
[superior smile] Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda:
Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Now let me correct you on a couple things, okay? Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked 'em up. Now. You have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. So what are you going to do about it, huh? What would... an intellectual do? What would Plato do?

Otto:
[mumbles] Apologize.

Wanda:
Pardon me?

Otto:
[mumbles] Apologize.

Wanda:
What?

Otto:
Apologize! I'm sorry.

Wanda:
No. Not to me. To Archie. And make it good, or we're dead.

Otto:
You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie:
Winners?

Otto:
Yeah, winners.

Archie:
Winners, like... North Vietnam?

Otto:
Shut up! We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!

Archie:
[Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' you, baby, they kicked your little ass there! Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!

Otto:
No they didn't!!

Archie:
Oh yes they did!

Otto:
Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.

Archie:
Gonna shoot me Otto?

Otto:
Er Yes. Yes 'fraid so old chap sorry.

[Otto is torturing Ken by quizzing him on Nietzsche and sticking chips up his nose]

Otto:
Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.

Ken:
I'm n-n-n...

Otto:
No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!

Ken:
You b-b-b...

Otto:
Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.

[In court]

Archie:
Ms Gershwitz, do you remember where you were on the evening of the 7th?

Wanda:
Yes, I was at the apartment.

Archie:
And were you alone or was someone else there?

Wanda:
No someone else was there.

Archie:
And who was that?

Wanda:
My brother.

Archie:
Your brother, good and [stumbling] your brother? Are you sure it was your brother?

Judge:
Mr. Leach I'm sure Ms. Gershwitz can recognize her own brother, after all she's had a relationship with him her whole life.

Archie:
Yes, sorry your honour. Well, was anybody else there with you?

Wanda:
Yes George was there. [adds] But he left about five to seven.

Archie:
Wanda! [remembering himself] I wonder, how could you be sure it was five to seven?

Wanda:
Because I looked at the clock. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, where could George be going with that sawn off shotgun?

Archie:
Darling!

Judge:
Mr. Leach, "Darling"?

Archie:
Yes, dear?

Wanda:
Otto, what are you doing?

Archie:
It's a Buddhist meditation technique. Focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before going into battle.

Wanda:
What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?

Wanda:
What are you thinking, Archie?

Archie:
I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

Wanda:
How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?

Archie:
(after a pause) That's a...

Archie/Wanda:
Good reason! (laugh)