A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

Hero:
People do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Pseudolus:
Be the first. Start a fashion.

Lycus:
If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.

Domina's Mother:
Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.

Domina:
But Mother, what can I do?

Domina's Mother:
Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!

Domina:
A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting!

Senex:
Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door...

Domina:
That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

Hysterium:
Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

Senex:
Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Hysterium:
I live to grovel.

Hysterium:
Rather than let you down, I would die.

Domina:
That is what I had in mind.

Pseudolus:
An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

Senex:
A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Pseudolus:
I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

Hysterium:
My father is rolling over in his grave.

Pseudolus:
Your father is alive.

Hysterium:
This will kill him.

Erronius:
My daughter's a eunuch?

Hero:
Hysterium, this is Philia.

Hysterium:
Never mind who she is! Who IS she?

Lycus:
Is it contagious?

Pseudolus:
Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

Miles Gloriosus:
Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for forty.

Miles Gloriosus:
Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!

Pseudolus:
Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

Miles Gloriosus:
What is she like?

Pseudolus:
A face so fair, a heart so pure -- Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!

Miles Gloriosus:
As magnificent as that?

Miles Gloriosus:
You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.

Philia:
That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!

Pseudolus:
He raped Thrace?

Philia:
And then he came and did it again! And then again!

Pseudolus:
He raped Thrace thrice?

Pseudolus:
We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

Hysterium:
Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

Pseudolus:
He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

Hysterium:
Uh -- what about HIS body?

Pseudolus:
Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?

Domina:
Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.

Pseudolus:
Was 1 a good year?

Pseudolus:
You must never know what goes on in that house.

Hero:
But I do know.

Pseudolus:
You do? Isn't it _amazing_?

Pseudolus:
Wait!

Hero:
Yes?

Pseudolus:
A brilliant idea!

Hero:
Yes!

Pseudolus:
That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

Hero:
For us there will never be happiness.

Philia:
We must learn to be happy without it.

Pseudolus:
What can happen in an hour or two?

Hysterium:
At his age, the mind boggles!

Miles Gloriosus:
I cannot afford to offend the gods.

Pseudolus:
Who can?

Senex:
Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

Pseudolus:
Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.

Lycus:
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Crassus:
Who?

Lycus:
The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!

Crassus:
Oh, Pseudolus.

Pseudolus:
Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

Hysterium:
One of us isn't ready yet.