A Kiss for Corliss

Corliss Archer:
Dexter, you weren't with me tonight.

Dexter Franklin:
Huh?

Corliss Archer:
Well, there's no point in having Daddy tear you into little pieces. You know his temper.

Dexter Franklin:
What are you going to tell him?

Corliss Archer:
Oh, I'll think of something. Just remember, no matter what, you weren't with me tonight.

Dexter Franklin:
I can't do it. I can't let you take the rap.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, I'll figure out a story.

Dexter Franklin:
When?

Corliss Archer:
Oh, I don't know. Give me a minute to think! Oh, my mind's an absolute blank.

Dexter Franklin:
If it isn't a blank now, it will be when your old man gets through with you.

Corliss Archer:
Dexter! Not when he gets through, before he starts.

Dexter Franklin:
Huh?

Corliss Archer:
My mind's a blank. I can't remember anything. I've got amnesia, like in the movie.

Dexter Franklin:
It might work.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, it's gotta work. But Dexter, you must remember, no matter what happens, no matter what I say or do, you weren't with me tonight!

Dexter Franklin:
I weren't with you tonight.

Corliss Archer:
Wish me luck.

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Well, um, well, it's all very silly, but the fact is that my daughter has written a - a sort of diary.

Kenneth Marquis:
Indeed? Well, I'm confident that it reflects her girlish charms.

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Well, um, this diary is, um ...

Kenneth Marquis:
You are talking, I take it about that volume that your husband is clutching in his clammy hands?

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Well, it's all quite ridiculous, and I'm sure you'll be the first to - Go ahead, Harry. Please read some of it to Mr. Marquis, and then he'll realize how crazy the whole thing is.

Harry P. Archer:
[Reading] "Not all women know really great love. And so few can save the man they love from himself." [clears his throat]

Kenneth Marquis:
Doesn't read very fluently, does he?

Harry P. Archer:
"Kenny-boy is so sweet. I'm lucky I found Kenny-boy in time." Kenny-boy is you!

Kenneth Marquis:
Really?

Harry P. Archer:
That's from my daughter's diary.

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Silly, isn't it?

Kenneth Marquis:
No, I like it.

Harry P. Archer:
It's just schoolgirl romantic nonsense! But, there are reasons why we couldn't question Corliss.

Kenneth Marquis:
Naturally, after your contemptible invasion of the privacy of her diary.

Harry P. Archer:
It's none of your business what I do.

Kenneth Marquis:
My name is mentioned.

Harry P. Archer:
I'll burn every page. Only a fool would think there was any truth to this.

Kenneth Marquis:
Every single word of it is true.

Harry P. Archer:
[Addressing the court] Seldom in my long career as an attorney have I ever encountered a man who can claim no virtue. But I say to you, you have such a man in your courtroom today. Cold-blooded and ruthless, unmoved by the pain he has caused, Kenneth Marquis smugly sits there gloating. And a poor, loyal, trusting girl suffers. A girl, I say, and yet, she is little more than a child, innocent, and unworldly. Kenneth Marquis treated her like dirt, your honor. And from the moment they were married, yes, even on her bridal night, insults and injuries were heaped upon her.

Kenneth Marquis:
[to his attorney] Included in that heap was a 50 foot schooner and a string of pearls. To say nothing of a blond mink, a silver blue mink, and a rainbow mink. Bless her furry little heart. Much as I dislike that poisonous wench, I'm beginning to dislike that attorney of hers even more, if possible.

Corliss Archer:
Daddy, I've just got to have a dollar and a half.

Harry P. Archer:
I told you to wait outside.

Kenneth Marquis:
Rather than witness your churlish behavior, I should be most happy to advance or let's say donate the money myself.

Corliss Archer:
That's very sweet of you.

Harry P. Archer:
Don't take that money!

Kenneth Marquis:
Your poor father's ungraciousness stems partly from a natural tendency to be stuffy, and an unnatural reluctance to part with his holding money.

Taylor:
Kenneth, take it easy.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, you don't know my daddy at all. He's really very -

Harry P. Archer:
Don't speak to that man!

Corliss Archer:
Daddy, about my dollar and a half -

Taylor:
Archer, if we could get back to the business at hand -

Harry P. Archer:
[to Corliss] I'll talk to you outside. Now. Alone.

Kenneth Marquis:
If I were in your position, I should be completely underwhelmed.

Corliss Archer:
It's been awfully nice meeting you, Mr. Marquis.

Kenneth Marquis:
Oh, and if the indignity of taking money from Daddy Dear ever becomes too great to bear, don't hesitate to call on me.

Taylor:
Stop needling Archer, or we'll never get a settlement.

Kenneth Marquis:
You know, I'm seriously considering dedicating my entire life to the needling of Harry P. Archer. Nothing gives me greater pleasure.

Harry P. Archer:
I wondered who rang. Oh, that's nice. Who sent it? Uncle George? Mmm. Good.

Mildred:
Kenneth Marquis!

Harry P. Archer:
Kenneth - Let me see that! [Reading tag] "May this brighten a youth blighted by parental stupidity and miserlyness. Kenneth Marquis." He did that to annoy me. I'll - I'll throw it out!

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Daddy, you can't!

Mrs. Janet Archer:
What's wrong?

Harry P. Archer:
That - that pinhead, that lowdown, shockworn Casanova Marquis sent Corliss this box of candy!

Corliss Archer:
Daddy says I can't keep it!

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Why Harry, why on earth - Kenneth Marquis? Sending candy to Corliss?

Corliss Archer:
Well, you see Mom -

Harry P. Archer:
Corliss had nothing to do with it. He's trying to irritate me by showing me up as a cheapskate.

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Well, if Miss Corliss had nothing to do with Mr. Marquis, I don't think it would hurt if she ate the candy.

Corliss Archer:
Look, Mom.

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Well, anyway, you can't return it with a piece missing.

Corliss Archer:
Oh, Daddy ate that piece.

Harry P. Archer:
[Holding a paper announcing his daughter's engagement to Kenneth Marquis] Did you see this?

Kenneth Marquis:
I gave out the story.

Harry P. Archer:
Did you - ?

Kenneth Marquis:
Dad, do I take it that you're not altogether pleased?

Harry P. Archer:
Why you -

Taylor:
Congratulations, Archer.

Harry P. Archer:
Shut up! I'm going to sue your client -

Kenneth Marquis:
Oh, Dad, I hope Corliss hasn't inherited your bad temper.

Harry P. Archer:
What do you mean by this? Answer me! Answer me.

Kenneth Marquis:
Do you think I was just trifling with a good woman's love?

Harry P. Archer:
I wouldn't let Corliss marry you if - if - if - Call up and issue a denial!

Taylor:
Oh no! All denials will be issued by you. We don't want any breach of promise suits.

Harry P. Archer:
I'll have a retraction in the paper by - by - by six o'clock, and maybe earlier if I can get them to print a special edition.

Kenneth Marquis:
Very well, if your daughter's happiness is so unimportant to you, I will try to bear up manfully.

Dexter Franklin:
I guess you know about this article in Glimpse. It just came out today. It's a good picture of you, Corliss.

Harry P. Archer:
I'm the father of a girl with a national reputation like Catherine the Great.

Dexter Franklin:
Hi, Mr. Archer.

Harry P. Archer:
Oh ...

Dexter Franklin:
This is tomorrow.

Harry P. Archer:
I'll make a note of that fact on my calender.

Mrs. Janet Archer:
Do you mind, Dexter, we're awfully busy.

Dexter Franklin:
But you promised to talk to me about the blackmail today.

Harry P. Archer:
At this moment there is nothing in the world I'd be willing to talk to you about. Now get out!

Dexter Franklin:
Holy cow!

Taylor:
If I were Archer, I'd be after you with a shotgun!

Kenneth Marquis:
Well, a shotgun is customary only in cases where the bridegroom is unwilling. I, on the other hand, am panting with eagerness. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Taylor:
Humph! One slip up and you're the formerly wealthy Mr. Marquis. Aside from Archer, your stockholders won't stand for any more escapades in court.

Kenneth Marquis:
[phone buzzes] Yeah? It's Pop. Probably wants another retraction. Hello, Pop. This is Sonny. Oh! Language! I don't know why you're so upset. Everyone knows that young love is, um, impetuous. Oh, please, Daddy Dear. I seem to notice a certain beligerence in your tone. You what? Consent? What? When? Oh, I see. You do? Oh, you don't. You will? Who? Me? Oh. [hangs up phone] I'm about to become a husband.

Uncle George:
The groom usually has a father or brother stand up with him. Have you any close relatives who might - ?

Kenneth Marquis:
One of my ex-wives?

Uncle George:
Hardly. Let's get on with it. Louise. Uh, dearly beloved, we are gathered, um, so on and so on. To join together this man and this woman, and so on and so on. Well, there's no use going any further with this part of the rehearsal.

Kenneth Marquis:
Certainly not on my behalf. I know it by heart.

Kenneth Marquis:
[to Mr. Archer] Cheer up, old fellow. If providence should bless you with a grandson, we'll call the little stinker Harry P. Marquis.

Kenneth Marquis:
Perhaps you could explain to me how I happened to find myself in this position?

Taylor:
Because you belatedly came to what little sense you have. Try and get out of it now, and you have a breach of promise suit, a stockholder suit, and why go on with the list?

Kenneth Marquis:
Well, I certainly shan't number it among the gayer weddings to which I have participated. Maybe I'm spoiled, but the others were much more fun!

Taylor:
I don't know, I thought the blood in your father-in-law's eye lent a nice touch of festive color.

Kenneth Marquis:
Uncle George? Have you any hobbies? I mean, do you collect things, and things?

Uncle George:
I have a large collection of antique rocks. Every one of which I would like to throw at you!