A Minute with Stan Hooper

Stan Hooper:
I just want to live a normal life.

Gary:
Well you came to the wrong place.

Stan Hooper:
Oh, hey, Fred - check this out, huh! [Stan sounds off a turkey call maker]

Fred Hawkins:
What the hell is that?

Stan Hooper:
That's a turkey call. you know a turkey call. Turkeys are attracted to the sound of other turkeys.

Fred Hawkins:
Well, I don't know about you, Hooper, I'm looking to kill a turkey, not seduce one!

Molly Hooper:
He's addicted to it. [speaking of Stan's love for Clara's apple pie]

Stan Hooper:
I am not addicted.

Molly Hooper:
Honey, you come in here every day for a piece of that pie.

Stan Hooper:
Well, that's not an addiction, that's a habit. [then he licks the plate the pie was on]

Fred Hawkins:
Keep your pants on, Yoko.

Molly Hooper:
Ah, I love to sing Christmas carols. Do you think maybe I could join?

Pete Peterson:
Oh, well, we-we have to run it by Fred and-and Gary; the group was their idea.

Lou Peterson:
Well, gary would go for it, he loves Molly.

Pete Peterson:
Oh, that's true, and Brian would love to have Chelsea involved. I'm sure he'd go for it.

Lou Peterson:
And we'd be for it.

Chelsea:
I can be a Silent Knight? No way!

Molly Hooper:
I think they're saying we could both be Silent Knights.

Lou Peterson:
Except we can't call you Knights, because your'e girls. So, what can we call ya?

Pete Peterson:
I've got it! They could be Ladies of the Night!

Stan Hooper:
Honey wake up!

Molly Hooper:
Ah, what? [tossing in bed]

Stan Hooper:
I just wanted to tell you there's no reason to e terrified.

Molly Hooper:
What are you talking about?

Stan Hooper:
You know, with the doors unlocked. We're perfectly safe.

Molly Hooper:
I know, it's very freeing.

Stan Hooper:
Yeah, that's a good word for it: freeing. Yeah, yeah, it's freeing. It's almost too freeing. I-I feel like one of those prisoners that-that got out and don't know what to do with their freedom. I-I-I-it's too freeing!

Molly Hooper:
The Peterson boys were asking if they should wear make-up, too. [as she applies make-up to Stan's face]

Stan Hooper:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no - I want them to look natural, that's the whole point.

Molly Hooper:
Oh, well maybe you shouldn't wear make-up. Don't you want to look natural?

Stan Hooper:
No, I wanna look good.

Stan Hooper:
Who are we voting for?

Lou Peterson:
The mayor.

Stan Hooper:
Oh yeah? Who's running?

Lou Peterson:
The mayor.

Stan Hooper:
Well, who's running against him?

Pete Peterson:
No one. Well, no one ever does; what would be the point?

Stan Hooper:
Well, the point would be to give people a choice.

Lou Peterson:
People would just choose the mayor, they always do.

Stan Hooper:
Well, they always do because no one ever runs against him.

Lou Peterson:
Right - where are we loosing you, Stan?

Stan Hooper:
You're not loosing me, I'm just shocked; I'm shocked that-that here, in the heartland of American democracy, that people don't have a choice come election day. I-I mean this country was built on small-town elections; on two men standing on a bandstand in the village green airing their views so that the-the populace of that small town could choose a candidate that truly represents them.

Ryan Hawkins:
Everybody, I got the results. [coming into Stan's house]

Stan Hooper:
Oh, the results! H-h-how'd I do?

Ryan Hawkins:
I thought you should open the envelope yourself.

Stan Hooper:
Okay, here it goes, everybody.

Molly Hooper:
Okay. [excited]

Stan Hooper:
For mayor Griffin: one-hundred and seventy-four votes. For Stan Hooper... oh...

Molly Hooper:
You lost?

Stan Hooper:
Yeah.

Molly Hooper:
How close was it?

Stan Hooper:
It was two votes.

Molly Hooper:
You lost by two votes?

Stan Hooper:
I got two votes.

Pete Peterson:
Oh, hey! Woo! Wow! [cheering with the rest of the house full of people]

Stan Hooper:
What are you cheering for?

Pete Peterson:
You're two votes. Good for you!

Stan Hooper:
That's not good! I thought all you people were behind me! Now listen: I want to know who in this room voted for me. [every man in the room raises his hand] DAAAHHH! You're lyin'! Now I know I voted for myself, that's one. That means only one other person voted for me. I'm gonna ask you again: who voted for me? [every man in the room again raises their hands] You're liars! You're all liars! And stop eating! Don't eat my food anymore!

Stan Hooper:
Come on downstairs, I have a surprise for you. You stay here and be quiet. [lowering his new pet wolf to the floor]

Molly Hooper:
What is it?

Stan Hooper:
What is the thing we said we would always get if we ever got a house?

Molly Hooper:
A swimming pool.

Stan Hooper:
Smaller.

Molly Hooper:
A hot tub.

Stan Hooper:
A living thing.

Molly Hooper:
A vegetable garden!

Stan Hooper:
You're not good at this.

Stan Hooper:
Ah, maybe he is a wolf, but-but he was abandoned guy, you should have seen him when-when he saw me he just jumped right into my arms and started licking my face, he started nibbling my ears; he wanted to come home with me!

Lou Peterson:
No, he wanted to eat you but you were too big.

Stan Hooper:
So, ah, do you guys think that ah, he'll eat regular dog food?

Lou Peterson:
Oh, I think he'll eat regular dog.

Stan Hooper:
Hey, when does Clara Meeks come with another apple pie?

Pete Peterson:
Every Friday, first thing.

Stan Hooper:
Friday? It's only Tuesday. You know how many days that is between me and pie?

Stan Hooper:
Hey, Molly, listen to this one: Your minute last week really made me think about my life, God bless you Stan Hooper. That's why I work so hard on those little essays, you know, make a difference. [reading a fan letter]

Molly Hooper:
What was your minute last week?

Stan Hooper:
Eh, who remembers, ah, send him an eight by ten there, ah.

Molly Hooper:
Color or black & white?

Stan Hooper:
Color, I changed the man's life.

Molly Hooper:
He didn't say you changed it, he said you made him think about it.

Stan Hooper:
Oh yeah, you're right. Black & white.