A Muppet Family Christmas

Statler:
We'd *love* to see your act.

Waldorf:
But we'd hate to *miss* your act.

Statler:
In fact, we'd love to *hate* your act!

[they cackle]

Snowman:
Hey Fozzie.

Fozzie Bear:
Yes, Mr. Snowman?

Snowman:
Did you hear about the church that burned down?

Statler, Waldorf:
Holy smoke!

[they cackle]

Doc:
I don't care if the turkey said the dog was a turkey! The dog is not the turkey! The turkey's the turkey, you turkey!

Fozzie Bear:
Ah, Christmas. Time for Santa Claus and his eight prancing rein-bear.

Snowman:
That's reindeer.

Fozzie Bear:
No, that's SNOW, DARLING!

Ernie:
Hi, there. We're Ernie and Bert.

Doc:
Hi there yourself, I'm Doc.

Bert:
Did you know that Doc starts with the letter "D"?

Doc:
Yes.

Ernie:
Yes! Yes starts with the letter "Y".

Doc:
True.

Ernie:
And True starts with the letter "T".

Doc:
[chuckles] Hey, what is this?

Bert:
Where we come from, this is small talk.

Doc:
Well, whatever you day, nice to be meeting you, but I'd better go up and build some bunk beds.

Ernie, Bert:
Bunk beds!

Ernie:
B words.

[he and Bert laugh]

Doc:
There's one worried frog.

Count:
Ah, that's ONE! One worried frog!

Robin:
No, he's not the only one.

Count:
That's TWO! Two worried frogs! Ha ha ha ha!

Kermit:
Don't you think we should've called your mother and let her know we were coming?

Fozzie Bear:
Oh, how little you understand bears, Kermit. My mother loves surprises.

Gonzo:
Well, good, cuz she's in for a honey.

Kermit:
You don't have to explain, Doc. If there's one thing Piggy knows, it's how to make an entrance.

Janice:
There's Rowlf when he was just a wee pup.

Rowlf:
Not so wee. I was paper-trained.

Floyd:
There's Miss Hamhock when she was just a little sausage roll.

Doc:
[after the Muppet babies' Christmas home movie] Aw, that was fun! Even weirdos are cute when they're babies.

Gonzo:
[rushing to Doc] I knew you'd learn to love us!

Doc:
I didn't say that.

Kermit:
Where is your partner?

Fozzie Bear:
Outside.

Kermit:
Outside? Fozzie it's too cold to go outside.

Fozzie Bear:
It's not cold.

Kermit:
It *is* cold!

Fozzie Bear:
It's not cold.

Snowman:
[entering the house] Can I come in and warm up?

Fozzie Bear:
Okay, so it's cold.

Doc:
Excuse me! You promised me a nice, quiet Christmas.

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
You think you're disappointed? I just took three months of surfing lessons for zip.

[repeated line]

Various Characters:
Careful the icy patch!

Doc:
You promised me a nice, quiet Christmas!

Animal:
Peace on Earth! Give me presents!

Doc:
Careful, Sprocket. These may be from some foreign planet.

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
Actually, they're from television. I recognize Fozzie's weirdo friends.

Dr. Teeth:
Yeah, and we're proud of it, too!

Sam the Eagle:
Why am I here?

Gonzo:
This is not a good place for turkeys!

Turkey:
Not to worry. I'm a survivor.

Turkey:
Where's my room?

Gonzo:
If you're not careful, it'll be in the oven. See you at dinner.

Rowlf:
I've been chasing the truck all the way, and boy am I exhausted. [laughs]

Fozzie Bear:
Kermit, now can I tell you about my new act?

Kermit:
I'm all ears. [hears Sprocket barking] Now what can that be?

Fozzie Bear:
What does he mean he's all ears? Frogs don't even have ears!

Kermit:
[halting Gonzo and Turkey's argument] Hark! What do I hear?

Gonzo:
You're about to hear me make some turkey hash!

Kermit:
No, no, listen: me thinks me hears carolers!

Doc:
Sprocket and I came here to spend Christmas alone, but this is better!

Snowman:
You'll be sorry! It's cold enough to freeze your Winnebego!

Floyd:
[seeing Miss Piggy arriving with Doc] Yeah, and she don't look bad... for a pig.

Maureen the Mink:
Hi, I'm Maureen the Mink.

Miss Piggy:
What?

Kermit:
She said, "Hi, I'm Maureen the Mink."

Miss Piggy:
I HEARD HER! I HEARD HER!

Gonzo:
Camila's MY girlfriend!

Turkey:
You've gotta be kiddin'. You're not even a bird!

Gonzo:
Well, nobody's perfect.

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
I'm afraid we're running out of room. Two of you will have to sleep on hangers on a hook on the wall.

Gonzo:
What a fabulous idea!

Animal:
Love hanger! Love hanger! [laughs]

Floyd:
That's the only way Animal ever sleeps, ma'am.

Fozzie Bear:
See, Mom? I told you it'd be easy!

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
They're weirdos, Fozzie.

Fozzie Bear:
Yeah?

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
But, they're nice weirdos.

Fozzie Bear:
Yeah. [chuckles quietly]

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
Aren't they adorable?

Oscar the Grouch:
Hey, don't encourage them!

Statler:
Well, you know what they say...

Waldorf:
If you can't stand the heat, get outta the farmhouse!

[they laugh]

Waldorf:
After all, there's no business like *snow* business!

Janice:
[bringing out a basket of Christmas cookies] Hey, everybody, look what I've got: Christmas cookies!

Cookie Monster:
COOKIE!

[gobbles up the whole basket, as Animal watches in amazement]

Cookie Monster:
Oh, thank you!

Janice:
Who was that strange blue creature?

Animal:
Dat my kinda fella! Ahahahahaha!

Gonzo:
C'mon, put up your wings, Turkey Toes!

Turkey:
Why're you pulling my leg, Hose Nose?

Statler:
These two comics were made for each other.

Waldorf:
Hm?

Statler:
The snowman's ice cold, and the bear's not so hot! [they laugh]

Kermit:
Well, everybody, it's Christmas Eve and the tree is trimmed, so it's time for our annual carol sing. Take it, Rowlf.

Rowlf:
Oh, Mrs. Bear, I've been chasin' the truck, and boy-whoa! [slips on the icy patch]

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
[as Rowlf gets up] Oh, my. I guess Fozzie didn't tell you about the icy patch.

Rowlf:
No, I guess he didn't. Anyway, my name's Rowlf the dog; I've come for the holidays.

Rowlf:
[seeing a piano after his arrival] Aha! Just what I was lookin' for! Look at this little beauty.

[begins playing "Sleight Ride" on it, but it sounds awful]

Rowlf:
Whoa-hoa, boy, is this piano outta tune!

[to the camera]

Rowlf:
I *love* outta tune pianos...

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
There. Fozzie's stocking is hung by the mantle so Santa will bring him a present.

Fozzie Bear:
Aw, Ma, this is embarrassing. I mean, I'm not a cub anymore, I'm a grown bear.

Emily 'Ma' Bear:
Oh. Well, I'll take it down.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh no, I didn't say that.

Robin:
Speaking of presents, Grover, I'd like you to have this Fraggle pebble. [gives the Fraggle pebble to Grover]

Grover:
[gasps in astonishment as he accepts the pebble] This Fraggle pebble here is for *me*? Oh, I just love Christmas!

Jim Henson:
[as the Muppets sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", he watches from the kitchen door] Well, they certainly seem to be having a good time out there, Sprocket. [Sprocket barks] Yep, I like it when they have a good time. But tell you what, somebody'll have to do something about these dishes, Sprocket. C'mon. I'll wash, you dry, okay?

Oscar the Grouch:
Hey everybody, quiet down! There's a bulletin on TV!

The Newsman:
And now, for this news flash: the worst blizzard in 50 years is approaching us at a great rate. The Weather Service reports that barometers are falling sharply.

[a lot of wooden barometers crash on him]

The Newsman:
Oh no! Whoa...

Bert:
Ernie, why must you always humiliate me?

Ernie:
C'mon, Bert. Somebody has to play MaMa, and you lost the toss.

Bert:
Oh, well, just get it over with.

Kermit:
Another crisis solved.

Robin:
Yeah, there sure are a lot of us here.

Kermit:
Well, all families start to come together.

Robin:
We always get together at Christmas.

Kermit:
Yeah, life would just pass in a blur if it weren't for times like this.

Robin:
[as he and Kermit search for Fraggles at Fraggle Rock] Do you think this is really Fraggle Rock?

Kermit:
Well, I don't know, but if I were a Fraggle, this is the kind of place I'd hang out.

Doc:
[the doorbell rings, then he enters the house as Santa] Ho ho ho!

All Muppets:
[cheering and shouting indistinctly] Merry Christmas, everyone!

Doc:
Merry Christmas, everyone!