A Shot in the Dark

Hercule LaJoy:
He beat her.

Clouseau:
He was Spanish!

Hercule LaJoy:
He tore her dress off.

Clouseau:
Oh, don't be ridiculous. If someone tore your dress off, would you kill them?

Clouseau:
Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't you know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.

Maurice:
With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.

Clouseau:
Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?

Maurice:
You were talking about the closet, monsieur...

Clouseau:
Uhhh, yes?

Maurice:
You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...

Clouseau:
Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!

Clouseau:
There is something... personal in this...

Dreyfus:
Yes, deeply personal. I hate you. Every little bit of you. Now get out!

Clouseau:
You want me to leave?

(Clouseau interrogates the suspects; his accent gets in the way)

Clouseau:
And... they were your fingerprints!

Benjamin Ballon:
Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.

Clouseau:
For what reason?

Benjamin Ballon:
Last time was moths.

Clouseau:
Meuths?

Benjamin Ballon:
Moths.

Clouseau:
Yes, meuths.

Benjamin Ballon:
Maria was complaining of murths. (frowns at himself)

Clouseau:
Is that right, Maria, that you were complaining about these meuths?

Maria Gambrelli:
Yes, I did complain about moths.

Clouseau:
Oh, you mean meuths! The little flying meuths, yes.

(Dreyfus is in the early stage of a nervous breakdown; he tries to chop the end off a cigar)

Dreyfus:
François?

Françios:
Yes, Commissioner?

Dreyfus:
...I just cut off my thumb.

(Clouseau, smitten with Maria, tries to smoke)

Maria Gambrelli:
Here, have one of mine...

Clouseau:
Oh... Thank you.

Maria Gambrelli:
You have it in backwards.

Clouseau:
Oh, yes, of course... It's, uh, very bad when you do that, yes...

Clouseau:
I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.

Camp Attendant:
Not unless you take off your clothes.

Clouseau:
You, sir, are under arrest!

Camp Attendant:
Arrest? What for?

Clouseau:
For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government!

Camp Attendant:
Lewd and suggestive remarks?

Clouseau:
Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?

Camp Attendant:
No!

Clouseau:
What?

Camp Attendant:
This is a nudist colony!

Clouseau:
Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.

Dreyfus:
What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since General Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Dreyfus:
(balefully) That was meant for you...

Clouseau:
What do you mean, it was meant for me, Commissioner?

Dreyfus:
A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack... And now, six more innocent people!

Clouseau:
They were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer, Commissioner!

Dreyfus:
Compared with you, they were all saints!