A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

Kumar:
[Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party] No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.

Kumar:
I haven't shaved since you left. Pretty romantic, right? Like Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook."

Mr. Perez:
The tree is a cancer, Harold. We have to get rid of it before it kills Christmas.

Harold:
Koreans have killed his mother and now his tree. Christmas is ruined.

Kumar:
Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve.

Kumar:
You have a good job, you make good money, and you don't beat your wife. What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for?

Wafflebot:
I hate pancakes.

Wafflebot:
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?

Neil Patrick Harris:
What did I tell you about using tongue?

David Burtka:
You told me to make it realistic.

Neil Patrick Harris:
Yeah, realistic! Not f***ing gay as sh*t!

Maria:
F*** a baby into me!

Harold:
You still haven't explained the gay thing.

Kumar:
You're not gay, motherf***er!

Harold:
At all.

Neil Patrick Harris:
Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken.

Kumar:
What? Clay Aiken's not gay?

Neil Patrick Harris:
Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.

Wafflebot:
Pancakes are f***ing gay.

Wafflebot:
They serve pancakes in hell.

Neil Patrick Harris:
Look, don't be alarmed... but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 35 seconds.

Kenneth Park:
This is a Sharp 52" Aquos Quattron TV with state-of-the-art 3D technology that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.

Harold:
I don't know. Hasn't the whole 3D thing jumped shark by now?

Kenneth Park:
Mr. Lee, you don't understand. This is the best 3D you've ever seen. It's gonna be amazing!

[Kenneth gives two thumbs up to the audience]

Harold:
Who are you looking at?

Todd:
Oh, great. Now we're getting tinkled on.

Harold:
It's just urine. It'll wash out.

Todd:
Oh, Harry. Tinkled on the windshield. That is officially the grossest thing that has ever happened to me.

David Burtka:
I have Fred Savage on speed-dial.

Neil Patrick Harris:
F*** Savage! That crack is mine!

[Kumar butts to the front of the line and is now on Santa's lap]

Mother in Santa line-up:
HEY! Back of the line, Tech Support!

Kumar:
Take it easy, Reba. Your little boy can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute!

Gracie:
I thought you were gay!

Neil Patrick Harris:
I *am* gay! Gay for that p*ssy.

Harold:
I shot Santa in the face! He's real! And I shot him in the face!

[from trailer]

Jesus:
Neil Patrick Harris! Welcome to Heaven! I'm Jesus.

Neil Patrick Harris:
Jesus...?

Jesus:
[Holds up crucifix around his neck] Christ. I practically run this place.

Neil Patrick Harris:
Oh, for reals?

Jesus:
Well, my dad owns it, but I sort of–

Neil Patrick Harris:
Ha-ha, you're one of those.

Kumar Patel:
[Adrian: Also, I told her you work for the White House.] Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.