A Very Potter Sequel

Harry Potter:
I am in a rage! This is the maddest I've ever been!

Dolores Umbridge:
Did you get my text?

Lucius Malfoy:
Yes, I know. He marries Ginny! There is literally no way to move forward from this point!

Severus Snape:
Why that's absurd!

Remus Lupin:
You're absurd!

Severus Snape:
What! SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

Remus Lupin:
YOU'RE ABSURD!

Severus Snape:
THAT'S ABSURD!

Draco Malfoy:
But as consequence... My father...

Hermione Granger:
Lucius Malfoy?

Draco Malfoy:
The very same. It turns out my father has traveled back in time with a gang of Death Eaters. Their mission? To KILL Harry Potter. And when I found out about their evil plot, I stowed away in my father's fanny pack so I could stop them.

Remus Lupin:
How much proof is there now! Ah-ah! What you're looking at is the corpse of Peter Pettigrew. The man thought to be killed by Sirius years ago. Can I get a time of death on this please?

Neville Longbottom:
Well, I'm no coroner, but, uh, looks like he was killed ten minutes, and, uh thirty-six seconds ago.

Remus Lupin:
Thanks, Neville. How could Sirius have killed him years ago if he's only been dead for ten and a half minutes?

Molly Weasley:
Yeah! Why does he look all FRESHLY bloody. And mangled. And... dirty.

Arthur Weasley:
Yeah! How'd he end up like that? Lupin!

Remus Lupin:
Yes! Probably the work of that... infamous Hogwarts... Jaguar.

Albus Dumbledore:
Makes sense to me!

Remus Lupin:
Yes! The Hogwarts jaguar... Responsible for so much property damage to Hogwarts this year! Especially in my office... *cough*cough* Lupin shouldn't have to pay for that... Yes... Who said that?... Probably that jaguar! Bless his soft adorable paws that he trips over when he's running to fast...

Severus Snape:
It's a BBM from Umbridge "Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?" Now you drag me into this?

Harry Potter:
Oh cool, I was thinking about me too.

Severus Snape:
Sirius Blaaack! Oh! Checkmate. Sirius Blaaack!

Albus Dumbledore:
Disapparate!

Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, Ron Weasley, Dolores Umbridge, Sirius Black:
Ahh! Magic!

Severus Snape:
Where did the poster of headmaster Zefron go?

Dolores Umbridge:
I don't care for Zefron. Taylor Lautner is my man.

Severus Snape:
What do you want, you horrid b*itch?