A Zed & Two Noughts

Alba Bewick:
In the land of the legless the one-legged woman is queen.

Alba Bewick:
Imagine that, the body - in all its delicious detail - fading away leaving a skeleton with iron legs.

Oliver Deuce:
Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.

Oswald Deuce:
How fast does a woman decompose?

Oliver Deuce:
Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.

Oswald Deuce:
Does being pregnant make any difference?

Oliver Deuce:
No.

Oswald Deuce:
And the baby?

Oliver Deuce:
How far gone was she?

Oswald Deuce:
Perhaps ten weeks.

Oliver Deuce:
Then you'd never know.

Oswald Deuce:
[long pause] I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. [short pause] What is the first thing that happens?

Oliver Deuce:
The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.

Oswald Deuce:
What sort of bacteria?

Oliver Deuce:
[matter-of-factly] Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.

Oswald Deuce:
Suppose Eve kissed Adam.

Oliver Deuce:
Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.

Alba Bewick:
I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.

Oswald Deuce:
You what?

Oliver Deuce:
You are?

Alba Bewick:
I am.

Oswald Deuce:
Good lord.

Oliver Deuce:
You can?

Alba Bewick:
Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?

Oswald Deuce:
I'm not sure.

Alba Bewick:
You're not sure!

Oswald Deuce:
I'm delighted!

Alba Bewick:
You are delighted! [suspiciously] A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!

Oswald Deuce:
It might help! Give you more stability.

Alba Bewick:
Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.

Oliver Deuce:
So... who's the father?

Alba Bewick:
Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?

Oliver Deuce:
Why, don't you know?

Alba Bewick:
Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.

Oswald Deuce:
But you...

Alba Bewick:
NO BUTS! [smiling] You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!