About Last Night...

Bernie:
Are you getting serious? Well, she seemed like a hell of a girl. From what little I saw of her. Not too this. Not too that. Very kind of, um, what?... Ah, what the f***, I only saw her for a minute. First impressions of this kind can often be misleading. Does she give head?

Danny:
What?

Bernie:
To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to you?

Bernie:
Forget it.

Bernie:
I stole it

Danny:
You did not.

Bernie:
Oh, that's great, Dan. I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar.

Bernie:
Was that the chick from last night?

Danny:
Yeah, I picked up the phone and she was already on the line.

Bernie:
Yeah, right. Pull this leg and it plays jingle bells.

Danny:
I think I thought it was going to be different than it...

Debbie:
than what it was really like? Me, too. Maybe we were just - too naive.

Danny:
Yeah, maybe. Maybe we knew too much.

Joan:
Men and women - sharing, working out their hate.

Debbie:
I'm sick of hating. I mean, God, Joan. I don't think I have any hate left.

Joan:
Yes you do - you just don't know it.

Joan:
So what do you do for a living?

Bernie:
I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?

Joan:
No...

Bernie:
I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

Joan:
Tomorrow you know, they're going to come at me like marauding beasts bent on destruction.

Debbie:
Stop it.

Joan:
Deborah, you work in advertising... a civilized business. I on the other hand work with monsters.

Debbie:
You're talking about 5 year olds!

Joan:
Yes, and my job is to break their spirit. That's what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it Deborah, think about that.

Bernie:
[after Danny tells him that he told Debbie he loves her] Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan! [pauses] Who said it first?

Danny:
I did.

Bernie:
Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan! [pauses] Was it before you came, or after?

Danny:
Hey, know one thing - I never screwed around on you.

Debbie:
Oh, well, let's just give the boy a medal! I didn't realize it was such a sacrifice.

Bernie:
You know something Joan, if you didn't have a p*ssy there'd be a bounty on your head.

Joan:
And you are a schizophrenic, psychopathic, maladjusted social misfit who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.

Bernie:
So you want to dance or what?

[Joan reads a story at Kindergarten]

Joan:
'And the Virgin Mary descended upon... '

Kid #1:
What's a virgin?

Joan:
A virgin is someone who's never had sex.

Kid #2:
What's sex?

Joan:
Sex is something men and women do to make a baby.

Kid #3:
Are you a virgin?

Joan:
No.

Kid #3:
Do you have a baby?

Joan:
No. People who don't want babies also have sex.

Kid #3:
What for?

Joan':
For about 10 or 15 minutes.

Joan:
Give me a gin and tonic.

Mother Malone:
Last call was ten minutes ago...

Joan:
Give me a gin and tonic or I will kill you.

Mother Malone:
Just one.

Did I ever tell you it's really stupid to screw your boss? For starters, it's a great way to lose your job. (Joan)

Dan:

So you slept with him?

Debra:

No Dan, we were bowling partners!

Debbie:
This is Joan, my roommate. She specializes in unsolicited attacks.

Debbie:
Bullshit. You don't know what love is. You've gotten everything you have always wanted and now you're feeling sorry for yourself because there's something you want and you can't have it. But you had it! I gave you love. But you asked me to leave and I left.

Joan:
Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.

Bernie:
[to Danny] You know what your problem is? Your face. Come on, you're too good-looking. Girls go out with you and get nervous. They feel dumpy, they don't want to compete. They want a guy like... like me. A guy who'll make them look good. A basic Neanderthal type. The swarthy type. A man's man.