Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.

Russell Hollander:
Do you have any idea how often they let a member of Fish and Wildlire lead a SWAT team?

Ace Ventura Jr:
Yeah. Never. You guys don't even get badges. You wear patches.

[Ace rip off officer's patch]

Russell Hollander:
Give me that. Do that again, and you'll be arrested for assaulting a federal officer.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Okay, fine. Jeez. But technically, police dogs outrank you.

Russell Hollander:
Get this. "CSI: Fish and Wildlife." Guess who's going to play me?

Ace Ventura Jr:
Gumby.

[first lines]

Ace Ventura Jr:
I've got you now. That's it, my little misunderstood friend. Nibble the powdery cinnamon bliss. No, your path ends in death. You have been saved. No charge. This is certainly an ironic situation with an apex predator there and me over here holding this little guy at the bottom of the food chain and all. Hey, Mom. Look what I found.

Melissa Ventura:
Now give me the mouse. And the hedgehog. And the guinea pig. And the ferret. And the toad. Oh, there we go.

Ace Ventura Jr:
What?

Melissa Ventura:
Baby gator.

Ace Ventura Jr:
What baby gaiter? Fine, here.

Ace Ventura Jr:
[to Melissa] I will try to be normal.

Tara:
I woke up this morning and my pet rabbit, Mimzy, was totally gone.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Rabbit. Mimzy. Lost!

Emo Kid #1:
Of course we're depressed. Our skunk's been missing two weeks.

Emo Kid #2:
We're emotional wrecks about it.

Tara:
I will be normal.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Now cowboy up, dog, because we're not just gonna go find Mr. Chompers. I hear a whole lot of lost pets calling my name. That'll do it. This is the busiest intersection in town, Ox. Thousands of people will see this. [to Tara] Recognise your Mimzy?

Tara:
No.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Number three, hop to the right. Uh-oh. Number one just went number two. Woo!

Ace Ventura Jr:
I found Milton.

Boy:
No. Mm-mm.

Ace Ventura Jr:
I didn't find Milton. Offensive action. Three, two, one. Now, that's offensive.

Emo Kid #2:
Stop toying with our emotions.

Emo Kid #1:
That's not Breezy, moron.

Crowd:
Skunk!

Ace Ventura Jr:
[to Ox] That's not true. I treat every one of my missing pets exactly the same, no matter who they belong to. Well, here we are, Ox. Casa de Laura Wilson's house. The scene of the crime. Sorry, old friend, now is not the time to tell Laura how I feel. I am not scared to talk to her. Oh, you think so, huh? Yeah, well, watch and learn, Puppy Chow. We'll find her pet and then I'll find time to express how I really feel.

Laura Wilson:
Hi, Ace.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Oh, my God, you're pretty!

Laura Wilson:
What?

Ace Ventura Jr:
Um, your koi fish... she's itty-bitty.

Laura Wilson:
Yeah, she sure is.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Much like a grunion. Stand aside, ma'am. Clues don't find themselves, you know. Oxnard, while I'm young?

Melissa Ventura:
[to Ace] That's it! You are not eating out of a dog bowl, you are not sticking your head out of a car window. And you're gonna use the toilet for something other than drinking. And you're going to be like other kids.

Melissa Ventura:
Oh my God.

Ace Ventura Jr:
What?

Melissa Ventura:
It's happening.

Grandpa Ventura:
Hold on. Come on, Spark. Come on, Spark. Sorry about that. Hello, Ace.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Holy cellar dweller Batman. This place is - How did you build this?

Ace Ventura Jr:
That's not normal. I will be normal.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Vamonos.

Laura Wilson:
You're not gonna let him keep that, are you?

Ace Ventura Jr:
I'll put it back later. Hey, good job, Ox.

Ace Ventura Jr:
I want the truth! You cant handle the truth!

[repeated line]

Ace Ventura Jr:
All righty, then.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Oxnard, I need you.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Are you crazy? I'm not going near him. He looks rabid... and he can smell your fear. You are Spartan!

Girl Swimmer #1:
What about our alligator?

Ace Ventura Jr:
I told you I'd find him and I will. But right now I've got bigger fish to fry. Oxnard!

Laura Wilson:
Ace?

Ace Ventura Jr:
Ventura Jr... Pet detective.

Ace Ventura Jr:
[to A Plus] In English, Mr. Spock.

Ace Ventura Jr:
Yikes, Tabby's been nabbed.

Ace Ventura Jr:
I haven't been treated this badly since I got sick in a country with socialized medicine.

[after Ace opens a secret bookcase]

Laura Wilson:
How did you know that?

Ace Ventura Jr:
I'm a meddling kid.