Adventures in Wonderland

Red Queen:
Now you know what it's like to be treated unfairly. The way you treated the Walrus!

Alice:
You really should just talk to him. He's very nice.

Red Queen:
I'll say. And he spoke up for all of you, even though you wanted to exclude him.

Tweedle Dum:
Well... I guess we were being really unfair.

White Rabbit:
Uh... Can you ever forgive us, Mr. Walrus?

Walrus:
Well, of course. Of course! No hard feelings! And I don't think you've ever heard this about walruses, but we never hold a grudge!

March Hare:
That's okay. Now that we're friends, we'll hold it for you.

Red Queen:
What kind of tree is it?

March Hare:
It's a weeping willow.

Red Queen:
A weeping willow! I don't want to wake up in the morning and hear a willow weeping outside in my garden, that's depressing!

White Rabbit:
No, Your Majesty, the tree's branches droop so that it appears to be weeping. The tree doesn't really cry.

Mad Hatter:
This one does! And not only does it water itself, it also waters all your other plants!

Mad Hatter:
Really, Hare! Do you have to make so much noise while I'm reading? You know I like it quiet enough to hear a feather fall.

March Hare:
I do now. What is that you're reading, anyway?

Mad Hatter:
The Search For The Mummy's Treasure.

March Hare:
When it comes to MY mummy, I'm her one and only treasure!

Mad Hatter:
Not that kind of mummy! Not mother! The kind of mummy I'm reading about is all wrapped up in cloth and walks like this.

[Imitates a mummy's walk and frightens the Hare]

March Hare:
He probably walks like that because his pants are wrapped too tight!

Mad Hatter:
No. He walks like that to scare archaeologists away from the treasure.

Red Queen:
[On learning how different Christmas in Wonderland is] Well, this is terrible! Poor Alice doesn't have any Christmas traditions!

Alice:
Oh, but I do! Like, decorating the Christmas tree in the living room.

March Hare:
You have a tree in your living room?

Mad Hatter:
Well, I have enough trouble with the vacuuming, I sure wouldn't want to rake the carpet!

Red Queen:
Maybe the Duchess is better than I am after all.

White Rabbit:
Your Majesty, don't say that! A lot of people are better than you, but certainly not the Duchess.

March Hare:
[Looking for a spare key] It's got to be in here somewhere! I don't know where to start! Why did I keep all this junk? I should have dumped this stuff long ago, but I did not have the heart!

Red Queen:
You know, sometimes old things are better than new ones, flaws and all.

Mad Hatter:
Exactly. Why, we'd rather have our old Queen than a young one any day!

Mad Hatter:
[Re-enacting the scene of the crime] And then I slipped... and fell against the pedestal.

[His hat falls off revealing the missing crown. Everyone gasps]

Mad Hatter:
It's alright. I'm fine!

Red Queen:
Hatter! My crown!

Mad Hatter:
Yes, I know you want your crown! But don't worry, Your Majesty, with me on the case the crown-snatcher won't be able to keep this dastardly deed under his hat forever!

Red Queen:
I mean, just give me my crown!

[Takes it from his head. He gasps at the realization]

Mad Hatter:
It was under my hat the whole time?

March Hare:
Boy, I sure hope this doesn't get into the private eye newsletter!

Mad Hatter:
Your Majesty, I had no idea the crown fell on my head. You believe me, don't you?

Red Queen:
What's not to believe?

Alice:
Right. It's not that you and the Hare are bad detectives. You were just looking for crowns in all the wrong places.

March Hare:
How could I have been so conceited!

Alice:
Don't feel bad. You just got carried away.

Mad Hatter:
You are still the smartest hare in my book.

March Hare:
Really?

Mad Hatter:
Sure.

[Opens up his own dictionary]

Mad Hatter:
See, under S for smart. That's your picture.

March Hare:
Well, it sure wasn't very smart of me to think I didn't need my books.

Red Queen:
That's the smartest thing you've said lately, Hare. So smart in fact, I have a question for you.

March Hare:
Sorry, I'm out of the question answering business.

Red Queen:
I don't care. My question is, do you want your Smarty-Pants Medal back?

March Hare:
No way! I don't deserve it! I'm just a know-nothing!

White Rabbit:
No, you're not a know-nothing. You're just a not-know-everything.

Red Queen:
Listen to the Rabbit. He knows these things.

March Hare:
Okay, so if I'm not a know-nothing, I'm at least a know-very-little.

Mad Hatter:
No way are you a know-very-little!

Alice:
You're at least a know-a-lot!

White Rabbit:
Yes, and a know-a-lot still deserves a Smarty-Pants Medal.

Mad Hatter:
[on finding out the Hatter has won a castle in another land] Hare, you almost don't sound happy for me.

March Hare:
Oh no, I'm happy as a clam!

Mad Hatter:
Clams are happy?

March Hare:
When they're around their best friends they are.

Alice:
Mr. Hare, are you sure you're not the one who's really sad?

March Hare:
Me? Are you kidding? I'm happy as a clam! [Forces self to giggle]

Tweedle Dee:
Clams are happy?

March Hare:
Of course, unless their best friends moves to another part of the ocean leaving them alone in their shell, wondering when they'll ever see him again.