Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Dr. Rush:
[finding out where they've been kept for a year] East Berlin!

Cindy Bertozzi:
Jeff, I've been looking for you!

Dr. Rush:
Yeah I'll bet you have. You want to tell me what's going on here?

Cindy Bertozzi:
I think you probably already know most of it.

Dr. Rush:
I only know 2 things: 1. I'm trapped in East Berlin, and 2. I'm getting out of here!

Cindy Bertozzi:
Rush, Rush, listen to me, I'm CIA. I was sent to get you out.

Dr. Rush:
What?

Cindy Bertozzi:
Look, I don't have time to prove it to you. The Company has a way through the Wall.

Dr. Rush:
CIA, I know how they work, I follow you out, they shoot me and you walk away with the formula. A terrific plan.

Cindy Bertozzi:
Well then stick around here and find out what they're going to do to you.

Dr. Rush:
My mother always told me never to date spies.

Cindy Bertozzi:
Don't talk, if they poison the air you'll need your breath.

Dr. Rush:
Poison the air?

Cindy Bertozzi:
Shhh!

Dr. Rush:
Guns always make me nervous.

Amanda's Mother:
[on the phone] Yes something's wrong, she's got a gun. It's a real gun and it may be loaded.

Amanda:
I'm packing lead.

Supermarket Clerk:
You're cute.

Jiffy Snack Girl:
You wouldn't shoot another girl, would you?

Amanda:
Yep.

Amanda:
Hey Billy, I'm equipped!

Billy:
Oh come on, Amanda, go away.

Amanda:
What? This is a great gun!

Billy:
So what? Girls don't fight in wars.

Amanda:
Billy, you either let me play or I'm going to shoot you.

Sam Medwick:
My son Joey was always crazy about those old cars, always said 'Pop, we ever bring the well in, the first thing I'm gonna do is get me one of those'. But that's all in the past now. See my son Joey died last month. Hog killed him.

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
How could a hog kill a person?

Sam Medwick:
Road hog. We had an accident up on the rig, I was driving my boy in to the hospital when I came up behind this guy. Tried to pass, he ran me into the ditch. My boy was dying, this guy was playing games. Doctor said if we'd got my boy to the hospital in time, he would've lived, Joey would've made it. If it wasn't for that fat piece of scum in the pink Cadillac.

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
[sees white powder in the bottom of his glass] What's this? What's in here?

Sam Medwick:
Maybe they didn't wash your glass too good.

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
[to Phyllis] We're out of here, now.

Sam Medwick:
My *wife* is staying here with me. [Phyllis shows Ed her wedding ring]

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
That kid was your son? [looks at his glass] You poisoned me? You poisoned me?

Mike Medwick:
[sees Ed's car coming up the road] Here he comes.

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
Gotta get there, gotta get to the hospital. [the boys' truck pulls onto the road ahead of him and blocks his way] What's this, sightseers? Get out of the road! [honks] Come on you kids, this is an emergency!

Tom Medwick:
Better watch your speed.

Mike Medwick:
Yeah, I guess you're right. [slows down from 30 to 20 mph]

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
Hey! Come on, move over, get out of the way! Stop hogging the road!

Ed Fratus. the Salesman:
[Mike and Tom are blocking his way with their pickup truck] Come on, move over, get out of the way, out of the way! I'm dying! Out of the way! Pull over! This is an emergency, I'm dying! Where's your direction? I've been poisoned! [coughs] Get out of the way, I'm dying! God help me! [drives off the road and crashes]

E. R. Doctor:
Mild cardial infarction.

Orderly:
How do you spell it?

E. R. Doctor:
Just put down heart attack.

Orderly:
No he said something about poison before he died.

E. R. Doctor:
No, we pumped his stomach, all we fond was a lot of scotch and a couple of aspirin, the guy was in bad shape to begin with. Doesn't take much stress to push him over the edge.

Orderly:
Heart attack eh? That's it?

E. R. Doctor:
That's it.

Michael Roberts:
I hate Alfred Hitchcock. Come on, Mary, look. Let's say for argument's sake that I agree to the idea of remaking 'North By Northwest' and I believed you when you said I'd be better than Cary Grant...

Mary Conn:
You would.

Michael Roberts:
I've still never heard of these producers. Hart and Jankowski?

Mary Conn:
Michael, I can put your mind at rest with one word.

Michael Roberts:
What's that?

Mary Conn:
Canadians.

Michael Roberts:
Canadians?

Mary Conn:
The most wonderful people on the face of the earth.

Himself - Host:
Good evening. I'm answering my correspondence. I receive some very interesting letters, threatening and otherwise. [reading] "Dear Mr Hitchcock, I am a man of 60, with a wife of 22. We have a handsome young man of 25 rooming with us. Yesterday I discovered ground glass in my sugar. Is this unusual? Anxious." Dear Anxious, yes this is unusual. I believe arsenic is customary in cases of this kind, but your wife is young: I'm sure she'll learn. [reading again] "Dear Mr Hitchcock, we have endured your snide and impertinent remarks about our commercials long enough. This is to warn you that..." So much for fan mail. Now we come to that part of the program for which the sponsor has been waiting. I am too prudent to describe it.

Himself - Host:
Good evening. Thank you for being so prompt. I detest being kept waiting. I thought you might be interested in this collection of gift selections. They range from conventional to rare. Here is the ever-popular revolver. It is an excellent means of establishing credit in a strange city. It is equally useful in the removal of unwanted or unsightly persons. Here is a jar of poison mushrooms for those smart alecks who know toadstools when they see them. [Holds up tomahawk] Here we have a weapon that is primitive but effective. It is guaranteed to be 50% painless. You see it takes two men to operate it and the one at this end doesn't feel a thing.

Himself - Host:
[holding onto a bicycle] Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I have just been competing in a six day bicycle race; I'm quite proud to say I finished first, I quit after five minutes. Fortunately the bicycle seems to be invented by some realist who knew how often he would have to push it.

Ellen Powell:
[David turns off Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, runs down the stairs] Noooo I was watching tha-a-a-a-a-a-at!

David Powell:
I'm sorry but you weren't even in here.

Ellen Powell:
I was watching in the bedroom. You know I never miss meeting my hotshot real estate mogul. So how many rustic fixer uppers did you sell today?

David Powell:
Did you have any idea how much these chairs are going to cost? $2,100 for two chairs. I'm still trying to pay off the jacuzzi and the new patio that you wanted.

Ellen Powell:
Sure, blame it on me. I just wanted to give us a place where we could entertain your boss like the Hendersons do. And maybe he'd see you could handle the big commercial clients instead of pushing those $50,000 hovels. But no, you only think about what it costs, you are so cheap.

David Powell:
Cheap, who are you calling cheap? Didn't I buy you that stupid diamond necklace you wanted so badly? 'I just have to have that'. I could've bought a car for what that thing cost.

David Powell:
What are you, some kind of barfly shrink?

Mr. Smith:
No, not really. My specialty's problem solving, you could call me a contractor.

David Powell:
Well thank you, I don't need any therapy or aluminum siding, or life insurance tonight.

Mr. Smith:
You're right, what you need to do is eliminate that problem.

Ellen Powell:
You're not coming into this bedroom.

David Powell:
I wouldn't be caught dead in there.

Ellen Powell:
You've been dead in there for years.

David Powell:
You're absolutely right, but who wouldn't die in there? No man has come within 10 feet of your bed except Johnny Carson, you even fell asleep on him.

David Powell:
I don't have to take this off of you anymore.

Ellen Powell:
Then get a divorce, you think it's tough now, you just wait. I'll make your life miserable.

David Powell:
You already perfected that to a fine art. And it's too bad because I used to love you, a long time ago.

Mr. Smith:
Now here's what I want you to understand; you and this decision, it's like a marriage, only this is forever and you are wedded. So I'm going to ask you one more time, are you sure? Do you really want to do it?

David Powell:
I do.

Mr. Smith:
Very well, you may kiss the bride.

David Powell:
Will it be violent?

Mr. Smith:
What do you think I'm going to do, go in there and shoot her in the head or something? Look, it'll be done, tomorrow.