Ally McBeal

[catch-phrases]

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I'm fraught.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I need to take a moment.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
Unacceptable!

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
Repugnant!

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
Balls!

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
That disparaged me.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I will not stand to be disparaged.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I'm troubled.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I'm drawn to her.

[catch-phrases]

Richard Fish:
Bygones.

Richard Fish:
Fishism.

Richard Fish:
Vulgarism.

Richard Fish:
Bugger.

Richard Fish:
Ouch!

Richard Fish:
Kidding.

Richard Fish:
No biggie.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I like a fresh bowl.

Liza Bump:
[to John Cage] Earth to Square Pants!

Ling Woo:
I know I'm better than everybody else, Richard, but some times it's nice to HEAR it.

Claire Otoms:
[of Liza Bump] Little sweaty Betty.

Barry Dekumbis:
I want you to know, because I don't hand out compliments freely... you are the scummiest, most disgusting attorneys I have ever encountered.

Wilson Jade:
Thank you.

Barry Dekumbis:
They set the bar so low. And you just slithered under it.

Wilson Jade:
We try.

Ally McBeal:
Okay, the-the-buttock, the- the CONTRACT called for no minimum.

Ally McBeal:
How many couples do you know go to the Caribbean to have polite sex?

Ally McBeal, Victor Morrison:
It's not like we were having so much fun talking. You barely said a poop. Victor quickly intervenes, Peep.

Richard Fish:
You know, Ally, no matter how low I set the bar of common sense, you amaze me in your ability to slither under it.

Richard Fish:
Women shouldn't enjoy sex. Period. If God wanted that, he'd have given them penises.

Billy Alan Thomas:
[during his summation] Last month, two people who never met got married on national television. [walks over to defense table quietly talks to Ally] Did I imagine that or did that really happen?

Ally McBeal:
That really happened.

Billy Alan Thomas:
What I'm trying to say: Love is the only thing that counts. I've loved her since I was 8 years old. We've never been apart, not a single day. And I will love her for all my days. And that's all that counts. It's all that will ever count. All my heart forever. I... uh need to... rest. [sits down on floor, then collapses]

Ally McBeal:
Could I... uh could I have your attention please. About 40 minutes ago, um Billy Thomas passed away. [pause, stunned silence in the office] Uh he went quiet - - quietly and peaceful [walks away].

[last lines]

Ally McBeal:
Looking backwards, many of the saddest times in my life turn out to be the happiest. So I *must* be happy now. Yeah. This is gonna be good. Why else would I be crying?

Johnson Buck:
And do you, Liza, take Richard to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, always?

Liza Bump:
Duh! That's why I'm here. Hello?

[Fishism]

Richard Fish:
John, if you don't like who you are, if you're truly unhappy with your life, it only means you're ready to have children.

John Cage:
Remnants in toilet bowls actually traumatize me.

Ally McBeal:
It doesn't matter that I'm not in a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being unfaithful to love itself.

Ally McBeal:
Maybe it's because they say love is about learning to compromise. That's why they all get themselves into compromising positions. They can call it research. Whatever the secret is, I don't think I'm gaining on it. And I don't need the answers. I've got friends. I've, I've got hope.

Jenny Shaw:
You're a woman, for god's sake. Be a man!

Reverend Mark Newman:
[to Lisa Knowles] You're the best woman I've ever known...

Cindy McCauliff:
How DARE you.

Richard Fish:
I didn't TELL him!

Cindy McCauliff:
You were ABOUT to!

Richard Fish:
No, no, no. I was just ...

Cindy McCauliff:
You had NO right.

Richard Fish:
Mark is a FRIEND of mine!

Cindy McCauliff:
I've HAD boyfriends before. Things have been JUST fine.

Richard Fish:
They have? Wait, how?

Cindy McCauliff:
I tell them I'm Catholic.

Richard Fish:
I'm confused. Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought ...

Cindy McCauliff:
I tell them I'm against pre-marital sex!

Richard Fish:
No, I'm still confused. What other kind of sex IS there?

Ally McBeal:
[Larry is out with another woman] Hey, Larry.

Larry Paul:
Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally.

Helena Fisher:
Hello.

Ally McBeal:
[still glaring at Larry] Hi. I thought we were watching our cholesterol this month.

Larry Paul:
Helena's my ex-wife. Hey, John.

John Cage:
Hey-y.

Ally McBeal:
Your ex-wife? Oh. Well, what are you talking about over ice cream?

Larry Paul:
[wiping whipped cream off his face] Oh, uh, well, um... Nothin'.

Helena Fisher:
Nothing.

Ally McBeal:
Nothing over ice cream. Great! Maybe you can, um, talk under it.

Ally McBeal:
[dumps Larry's ice cream on his head] Hmmm. Are you done?

Helena Fisher:
[nods] Mmm-hmm.

Ally McBeal:
Good.

Ally McBeal:
[dumps Helena's ice cream on Larry's head] Oh, this will just warm you up.

Ally McBeal:
[pours hot fudge on Larry's head] Mmm. Oh, oh. One minute.

Helena Fisher:
Take your time.

Ally McBeal:
[sprays Larry with whipped cream] There we go. OK. Come on, John.

John Cage:
Bye now.

Helena Fisher:
She seems nice.

Larry Paul:
She's a sweetheart.

John Cage:
[answering his mobile phone] Hello? What do you mean you're going into court?

Richard Fish:
I got it all at Radio Shack, John. And I've got a miniature earpiece and the mike fits on my lapel. It should be easy.

John Cage:
Well, don't - don't be ridiculous, Richard. I can't argue your case for you over the phone.

Richard Fish:
No, you don't. You feed *me* the arguments. Just like that show. Uh, what was it? Cyrano de Burger King? Whatever.

Margaret Camaro:
I don't condemn you for wanting somebody to love. I guess I just reject the notion that your life is empty without a man.

Ally McBeal:
It's only half-empty.

[to Nell Porter]

John Cage:
You made fun of my stuttering AND my smile therapy. You are a mean woman.

Ally McBeal:
Jenny, the wrong ones can't hurt you. But the right ones, they're the killers.

Billy Thomas (Bellows, Gil):
Ally, do you really want to be known as the mini-skirt attorney?

Ally McBeal:
I don't want to be known as the attorney who let the judge tell her how to dress.

Billy Thomas (Bellows, Gil):
Ally, as your friend...

Ally McBeal:
...you will support me. Thank you.

Richard Fish:
She said that?

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
Yes!

Richard Fish:
Well, so, she had a dream. That doesn't...

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
No, it's not the dream! She was suggesting that she and I explore being a couple. And Richard, I have to admit I've always harbored feelings for Ally.

Richard Fish:
Oh, gee, there's a flash. Look, John, there ARE ethical considerations here. The only question you have to ask yourself is: Can you sleep with Ally without Nell finding out?

[to Richard Fish]

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
You know, it's just that simple with you, isn't it? Sex sex, sex sex sex! It's waddle with Whipper versus knee pit with Ling. Boy, you put the Fish in "superficial", dammit.

John Cage:
I can't believe it! You're lip-synching your response!

Richard Fish:
I had a lot to say. I wanted to make sure I...

John Cage:
And you can't give it to me LIVE?

Richard Fish:
Nobody does their best work LIVE.

[after hearing that Ally broke up with Glenn]

Elaine Vassal:
Oh, Ally, I just want you to know that I am here for you.

Ally McBeal:
Yes, and what am I gonna do about that?

Liza Bump:
Sorry I'm late. Pedestrians. I brake for them. New Year's Rezzy.

Liza Bump:
[to Nelle Porter] Do you talk, or I have to pull a string?

Liza Bump:
[facetiously] Please don't make me try this case. I'm not prepared!

John Cage:
[regarding Liza Bump] All right. Your Honor, let the record reflect she just grazed my johnson.

[after Liza Bump leaves]

Nell Porter:
John? We have to get that little b*tch.

John Cage:
Have no fear, Nelle. She is a bagel.

Nell Porter:
A bagel?

John Cage:
I meant to say toast. No fear.

Richard Fish:
Look, Liza. We're lawyers. It's our job to make people hate each other. You can't hold us liable...

Ally McBeal:
You've seen me dance. Now watch me fornicate.

John Cage:
[to Liza Bump] Look, you *little* VIXEN.

Liza Bump:
I am through fooling around with you people. The longer this trial goes, the worse it gets for you. If you let it *keep* going, YOUR client will end up having to pay us.

Liza Bump:
[to John Cage] I'm sure you used to be good. Today? You try cases like a mariachi singer.

Liza Bump:
[to Nelle Porter] And you? Love your hair.

John Cage:
[of Liza Bump] Oh, I am going to GET *her*.

Ally McBeal:
I'm taking a straw poll, do any of you believe you're going to find *the* one, your one true love?

Ling Woo:
No.

Nelle Porter:
No.

Elaine Vassal:
Over and over again!

Ally McBeal:
Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks?

Richard Fish:
[sighs] Ally, did we know each other in law school?

Ally McBeal:
Not... really.

Richard Fish:
Mmm-hmmm. Did I interview you for the job?

Ally McBeal:
No.

Richard Fish:
Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?

Ally McBeal:
No.

Richard Fish:
So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you?

[Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away]

Ally McBeal:
So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer.

Richard Fish:
What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ...

Ally McBeal:
[turning to walk out] I can't believe this.

Richard Fish:
Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
Well, that's the trouble, I suppose, in coming at people with honesty. They sometimes counter with it.

Billy:
Will you ever forgive my letting go?

Ally McBeal:
I'll forgive it. But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it.

Elaine Vassal:
Sorry I'm late.

Harriet Pumple:
Oh, Elaine, you can go first - since some of us seem to be resistant. Now, specifically what do you look for in a man?

John Cage:
A pulse and a penis. Not necessarily in that order.

Ally McBeal:
I know I've got it great, really. Good job, good friends, loving family. Total freedom and long bubble baths. What else could there be?

Richard Fish:
Ally, you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat. That's not a Fishism. That's just a rule of common sense.

Elaine Vassal:
They subpoenaed me.

Ally McBeal:
What?

Richard Fish:
Who?

Elaine Vassal:
The Board. They want me to appear to talk about Ally.

Ally McBeal:
You?

Richard Fish:
Why?

Elaine Vassal:
I don't know. Well, don't look so worried. I'm on your side.

Ally McBeal:
Well - well, that's what worries me.

Renee Raddick:
I don't mean this in an insulting way, but you're not a sexually spontaneous person. You won't even go to bed with a man unless you storyboard it first.

Ally McBeal:
Do you think I'm nuts?

Jennifer 'Whipper' Cone:
No. But I'm not sure you have two feet on the ground either.

Ally McBeal:
Do you mean some people do?

Ally McBeal:
How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life?

Billy Thomas:
You've always been ahead of your time.

Billy Thomas:
Some would see the law in black and white. They'd do fine. Some can't tell the black from white. They'd flunk. Then some could tell the black from the white and see all the grays. And they'd be doomed forever. Ally's faced with some of that doom. She sees grays. She tries to make sense of an arena that's messy.

Ally McBeal:
Who wants to be balanced, Billy? Balance is way overrated!

Richard Fish:
You could have at least TRIED to be sympathetic.

Ling Woo:
I was under oath!

Richard Fish:
Garlic...

Ling Woo:
If this thing comes down to whether or not that Judge likes me, Richard, then I lose. He hates me.

[John leans on Richard and takes off his shoes]

Ling Woo:
What is the funny little man doing now?

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
I have to prepare my final statement, you ungrateful little PIMP.

[Ling gasps]

Richard Fish:
Your Honor, if I may...

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Oh, Dear God!

Richard Fish:
Almost EVERY woman is BOUGHT. It's good that these kids learn that at a young age.

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Mr. Fish -

Richard Fish:
Tell me women don't become interested in men because of the size of their wallets. We see beautiful young girls walking around with 80-year-old men on WELFARE all the time, don't we? People in this country are seduced by success! Fancy car, big house, beautiful woman. It's the American Way.

Ally McBeal:
You own a store?

Hammond Deering:
And three others.

Jackson Duper:
Alright, let's hold on here. There are a lot of emotions on the surface.

Ms. Parks:
Oh, shut up, Pretty Boy. Nobody likes a Pretty Boy.

Steven Milter:
Your honor, I'm not comfortable with the response. I'm gonna go ahead and object.

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Over-ruled.

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
It's very hard to make any sense of this without - well, at least with any degree of persuasion.

Ally McBeal:
Well, does it have to make sense? I mean, the best things don't. Do they?

John "The Biscuit" Cage:
Such as?

Ally McBeal:
Love... Beauty is another - it's in the eye of the beholder. Even humor doesn't make sense, when you think about it - sense of humor? Who can explain what people find funny? I mean, to me, it's the insistence on making sense that doesn't make sense.

Ally McBeal:
I'm asking. Are you OK?

Georgia Thomas:
Fine! I just went on this new diet. I lost 170 pounds of dead weight. [Her soon-to-be ex-husband, Billy] I feel great!

Ally McBeal:
Are you sure?

Georgia Thomas:
You can have him, Ally.

Ally McBeal:
I don't *want* him.

[flirting with Santa Claus actor]

Elaine Vassal:
I had a dream last night that Santa kept coming down my chimney. Over and over and over again.

Ally McBeal:
You are the biggest *ass* I have ever *met*.

Larry:
Perhaps this is where you... kiss it goodbye.

Ally McBeal:
You are the biggest ass I have ever met.

Larry Paul:
Perhaps this is where you kiss it goodbye. [Ally leaves the room] What did I say?

Larry Paul:
Gee, it's like we're married. You're blaming all of society on me. No wonder you want a husband. You're already a wife.

Larry Paul:
Do you always talk in run-on sentences?

Ally McBeal:
I'm afraid that if I stop for air, somebody else will get a word in.

Larry Paul:
Ally, men don't take hints when it comes to rejection. We're used to getting our noses bloodied. We grow up watching movies where, for the first two acts, the girl says no and in the third act, they marry. If he's not the guy, then you have to be brutal. And blunt.

Ally McBeal:
Maybe I will share my life with somebody, maybe not, but the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

Dr. Tracey Clark:
Ally, every patient who comes in this office thinks they are the world's biggest loser. For the first time, I agree.

[about a threesome]

Ally McBeal:
Relationships should go in twos. Or at least in even numbers.

Richard Fish:
What do you mean she got arrested?

Billy Thomas:
She wasn't that clear. Evidently, she went to help someone in distress, and kicked her.

Richard Fish:
Hmm. That's clear.

Ally McBeal:
Well, uh, Your Honour, given that my client has not been truthful with me, I would like to withdraw as counsel.

Judge Maynard Snipp:
Too late. We start tomorrow. You are her lawyer, hmm?

Ally McBeal:
You can't make me!

Judge Maynard Snipp:
The bad news for you is I can. The good news - dress however you like.

Nell Porter:
Ling, uh, do you still like this guy?

Ling Woo:
No! No, I-I'm with Richard now. I-I... I might... I mean, he's not Richard.

Nell Porter:
Oh, come on. Richard has the depth of an ashtray. He's got nothing to offer but money and sperm, and you know it.

Richard Fish:
Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!

Ally McBeal:
I just got this piano. And sometimes I sing the song called "Goodnight my someone". And it's about... Basically it's a love song to somebody that you've never met but you know is out there. And I know, I mean, we make so few promises to ourselves as we grow up and one of these is that we walk down the aisle with somebody we love, somebody who does make your heart bounce, I guess. And there are some promises that I think we just have to keep.

Jackson Duper:
You know what? I'm not even in the mood for your issues.

Ally McBeal:
My issues? What are my issues?

Jackson Duper:
Look, lady.

Ally McBeal:
Ally.

Larry:
Jackson.

Jackson Duper:
First, you're kissing me.

Ally McBeal:
[gesturing to Larry] I thought you were him.

Jackson Duper:
Then you climbed into bed.

Ally McBeal:
[gesturing to Renee] I thought you were her.

Jackson Duper:
Then your hands were all up on my privates.

Ally McBeal:
Well, because I thought it was the remote control.

Larry:
Hold on!

Jackson Duper:
You found the remote, now, didn't you?

Ally McBeal:
John, the last thing you want is to be in love with someone that you can't have. That is something I know.

Ally McBeal:
[on her wardrobe] Men are constantly trying to mentally un-dress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all.

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Mr. Handy, it would be a grave mistake to insult Elizabeth Taylor in my courtroom.

Liza Bump:
[squeezing John Cage's face] Isn't HE like a cute little stuffy? And such a good little lawyer. Yes, you are.

John Cage:
All right.

Liza Bump:
Yes, you are!

John Cage:
The law is the law, Liza. And she *broke* it.

Liza Bump:
John, in some states, oral sex is against the law. You don't see people getting thrown in jail for that.

John Cage:
Bigamy is a little more serious.

Liza Bump:
[coyly] You don't take oral sex seriously?

John Cage:
[flustered] We're both on the same side here. Would you please STOP trying to RATTLE me?

Liza Bump:
Oh, yeah. Force of habit.

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. I'll ask you to proceed without the nonsense.

John Cage:
[reading notes] OK, uh... Mmm, no, I'm sorry. All I had left was nonsense.

John Cage:
[sits back down]

A.D.A. Tisbury:
How many more men do you plan to marry, Mrs. - is it Carrens or Lewiston?

Nicole Naples:
It's Naples. It... sounds like you disapprove.

A.D.A. Tisbury:
Well, bigamy is not my choice for a lifestyle.

Nicole Naples:
So you agree it's a choice?

A.D.A. Tisbury:
No, I don't.

Nicole Naples:
So it's not a choice?

A.D.A. Tisbury:
I'm asking the questions here.

Nicole Naples:
So you agree it's a question?

A.D.A. Tisbury:
No. It's not even a question.

Nicole Naples:
Then what do you have to ask me?

A.D.A. Tisbury:
Your Honor...

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Ms. Naples?

Judge Seymour Walsh:
Mr. Cage, one more outburst, I will tape your mouth SHUT. Do not think I'm kidding. Now sit.

Richard Fish:
Let me tell you something about women, Mark. Don't talk to them. They'll talk back. Women should be obscene, and not heard. Fishism.

[Ally, Georgia, and Billy arguing with Richard]

Richard Fish:
Hold on! Quiet! Let me ignore you one at a time.

Richard Fish:
John? John, y- you got the biggest booger. Oh, sorry, it's a frog. Bygones.