Always Leave Them Laughing

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Datin' you is like datin' J. Edgar Hoover!

Mrs. Gracie Kennedy Washburn:
I'm not the girl I used to be. I'm beginning to think I never was.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
[to the audience] This young lady I'm about to introduce is the very beautiful coloratura soprano, Madame Rosee. Here she is.

Madame Ros?e:
[Comes on stage irately] It's about time. I was a young girl when this first started.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
You'll never live to be as old as you look.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
[On stage talking to a trained seal] Say hello to the audience. Come on. Greet them. Greet the audience. Applaud, applaud, applaud. [the seal flaps his fins] No adlibbing. You know what happened to your sister. She became a coat for $69.50. [the seal starts to leave the stage] Go ahead get off. I'll give you a shot in the head. If you had any class you woulda been a mink.

Monte Wilson:
[to a young up-and-coming comic] How many years do you think a comic has to knock around before he can learn his trade? The broken down joints he has to starve in and sometimes finish in to? Ever been to Asbury Park, New Jersey on a Labor Day weekend? Ever try to get laughs from an audience that just finished a heavy dinner? Been sitting around on hard chairs swatting mosquitoes watching the temperature climb to 90 degrees? Well, Kip has and, believe me, it was murder.

Julie Adams:
It's about time!

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
I had to warm 'em up, didn't I? Did you hear me kill 'em?

Julie Adams:
What kid of anesthetic were you using?

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Hiya, Danny. Hiya, Wally. Hiya, Joe. Hey, Danny, what's new?

Danny:
Not your jokes.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Oh, that's clever. I wish I had said that.

Danny:
You will.

Fay Washburn:
I heard you were a big hit last night.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
[Nursing a black eye] You're right. They never missed me once.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
I don't get you, Fay. Yesterday I walked out on you and today you're patching me up and finding me jobs.

Fay Washburn:
I'm running a one-woman mission.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Throw away your tambourine. I'm not worth saving. Kip Kipling, the All-American heel.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
The trouble with my family is I'm the only success in it. And I'm a failure.

Fay Washburn:
Kip, I hope you didn't think I was giving you the rush act.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
I don't know what to think. Look, honey, we got a good thing. Let's keep it simple, huh?

Fay Washburn:
I'm not complaining.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Then don't. This is me, Fay. For better or for worse. Great line, huh?

Fay Washburn:
Yeah. Great in a marriage ceremony.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Honey, I'm doing a single because I like to work alone. I got things to do. Let me make a name first. Then we'll talk about the Mr. and Mrs. routine.

Fay Washburn:
Keep punching. You're getting to me.

Monte Wilson:
Take my advice, kid. Go in for something with a future. Like living off your old man.

Monte Wilson:
[Checking out Kip's suit] Very conservative.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Conservative? Why it could be elected on a Republican ticket without anyone in it.

Eddie Eagen:
Not many of the great clowns left. More room on top now. Bill Fields is gone. Ted Healy. Willy Howard. All of the great clowns dropping off one by one. Kind of like the American buffalo.

Eddie Eagen:
You're on your way up, Kip. They're probably shining a star for you right now. I just want to remind you there's a great tradition behind you.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Why sure. That's how I started in the first place when I was a kid. Watching the great comics work.

Eddie Eagen:
[In the hospital] You know this is the best house I ever played? The critic on the Medical Journal gave me four stethoscopes.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Say, eh, you've got a great little wife here, Eddie.

Eddie Eagen:
So she keeps telling me.

Nancy Eagen:
You've got a whole career all cut out for you.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
I can step right into Eddie's shoes, eh?

Nancy Eagen:
Exactly.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
Can I count on you in all the shows?

Nancy Eagen:
If you want me.

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
The trouble is I don't want you. I don't want you any more than you wanted Eddie.

Nancy Eagen:
What right do you have to say a thing like that?

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
You're a money player, Nancy. I'm getting wise. But this time there isn't any payoff. Get yourself another meal ticket.

Nancy Eagen:
You're not a comedian. You're just an imitation all the way through.

Eddie Eagen:
To be a great clown you have to have people listen to you in here [points to his heart] and not here [points to his ear] .

Kipling 'Kip' Cooper:
[Hearing the door buzzer] Monty, if that's someone with a television offer, tell 'em I'm not interest. Television will never catch on.