American Pie 2

Kevin:
My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Stifler:
Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

Jim's Dad:
You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.

Jim:
Thanks, Dad.

Jim's Dad:
Don't forget your penis cream.

Michelle's Friend:
You are so sweet. He *is* special.

Michelle:
He's my b*tch.

Stifler:
I can taste the bubbles.

Stifler:
Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Jim:
I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Trumpet Kid:
You suck, retard.

Jim:
I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.

Michelle:
Holy Potatoes.

Jim:
Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.

Nadia:
You... you want the band geek?

Jim:
Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim:
Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.

Oz:
What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia.

Jim:
Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her b*tch, and ditched me after prom.

Finch:
How did you do that magic you did?

Jim:
Was I any good that night?

Michelle:
Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?

Jim:
I'm sorry, "terrible?"

Michelle:
I've had worse.

Jim:
Oh.

Michelle:
Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.

Jessica:
If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.

Vicky:
None?

Jessica:
The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Stifler:
When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you f***ers learn anything in college?

Jim's Dad:
Keep it real homies.

Jim:
That's a lot of flutes.

Michelle:
Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.

Jim:
Ow that's cold. What is that?

Michelle:
I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't intsruments fun?

Stifler:
You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

Oz:
Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.

Stifler:
Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Stifler:
There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.

Michelle:
Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?

Jim:
I want to feel your b*obs.

Michelle:
No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

Stifler:
Holy sh*t dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber d*cks for everyone. The people demand rubber d*cks.

Jim:
What are you doing?

Stifler:
Looking for more lesbian artifacts.

Jim:
Where did you get this?

Stifler:
Finch's ass.

Jim:
Which room, man? Which room?

Stifler:
I can't remember sh*t, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

Stifler:
Ladies, I am down with the funky sh*t.

Jim:
Amazing.

Stifler:
Yes, the force is strong in that one.

Jim:
This is my first time, since my first time.

Sherman:
I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex-Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.

Nadia:
And I am lucky lady?

Sherman:
Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.

Stifler:
Brilliant. You found Lesbians.

Stifler:
Good luck trying to break through that force field.

Danielle:
Lesbians?

Amber:
We never said that.

Stifler:
What?

Amber:
We never said that.

Stifler:
Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it even. I'll even shave some ass if they need it!

Stifler:
Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

Jim's Dad:
Ah, yes. The one that got away.

Jim:
Yeah.

Jim's Dad:
Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.

Stifler:
I got peed on!

Kevin:
So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?

Jim:
Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.

Stifler:
Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

Stifler:
Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.

Stifler:
I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.

Finch:
I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.

Jim:
PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.

Stifler:
What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

Michelle:
Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.

Jim:
Holy sh*t, really?

Michelle:
No, I was just saying that so you could practice.

Jim:
'course.

Jim:
This is good. This is good. Obviously.

Michelle:
Oh. Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell.

Jim:
Eh, what?

Michelle:
You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Stifler's brother:
STEVE. Those are my lesbians.

Stifler:
Where are the F***in' females?

Stifler:
Oh God, I kissed Jim.

Stifler's brother:
Steve the copwatch thing is horse sh*t. Man this sucks.

Danielle:
Who is it out there?

Stifler's brother:
It's the Stifmeister baby.

Amber:
Is that so?

Stifler:
You stay the f*** away from that ficus. That is a jiz-free ficus.

Michelle:
This one time... um, here.

Trucker:
Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.

Jim:
What are you doing here?

Stifler's Brother:
P*ssy man, I'm here for the p*ssy.

Jim:
Take a number.

Jim:
Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches

Stifler:
Cause he f***in' bit me!

Finch:
You touch me, I bite.

Jim:
Do you know where i could find Michelle Flaherty?

Trumpet Kid:
Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.

Jim:
Yeah, you must know Michelle.

[Two uniformed police officers break up Stifler's house party.]

Officer:
Where's Steve Stifler?

[Stifler enters from the balcony incident, wet and looking distraught]

Stifler:
I got peed on.

[Jim is on the roof with his hand in his pants looking at the paint truck but can't get to the paint thinner. A local sheriff's deputy pulls up, chirps his siren, and gets out of his vehicle.]

Deputy:
Hands where we can see 'em! [Jim raises his left hand with the porn tape glued to it] Both hands! Get the other hand up, goddamn it!

Jim:
I can't! I'm glued! I'm glued. Sorry.

[Two uniformed police officers are walking up to Stifler's house to break up his party.]

Officer 1:
This is the Stifler house, isn't it? You ever see Mrs. Stifler?

Officer 2:
Jeez, what a MILF.

Male EMT:
[when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?

Stifler:
F*** no, this is just too good to miss!

Male EMT:
Okay sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?

Stifler:
[Giving Jim the thumbs-up as the ambulance drives away] Ha-ha! This summer's turned out to be great!

Stifler:
Holy sh*t dude, I found a dildo! [Stifler runs round the house] Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber d*cks for everyone! The people demand rubber d*cks!

Jim:
What are you doing?

Stifler:
Looking for more lesbian artifacts!

[hands Jim the dildo]

Jim:
Where did you get this?

Stifler:
Finch's ass.

[later]

[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]

Jim:
Which room, man? Which room?

Stifler:
I can't remember sh*t, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold!

[The two "lesbians" are making the guys play with each other, in exchange for the girls playing with each other. Jim and Stifler give each other a split-second long peck on the lips.]

Jim:
That counted!

Stifler:
That totally counted!

Danielle:
That's the way you kiss your mother.

Stifler:
[angry whisper to Finch] Don't you say anything!

[later]

[the girls request handjobs:
Jim and Finch doing Stifler]

Stifler:
It's okay, it's okay. I know what I have to do.

[starts undoing his shorts]

Stifler:
I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.

[Finch and Jim run away]

Jim:
Mother of God!

[Stifler runs after them, zipping up his shorts]

Stifler:
Come on you pussies, we had 'em!

Finch:
I am not touching that!

Jim:
Put that thing away Stifler!

Stifler:
Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing!

[Jim and Stifler have finished kissing and both nearly throw up]

Stifler:
Dude, you're a f***ing lousy kisser.

Jim:
I wasn't trying! That's not fair! (to girls) I wasn't trying there. I'm really bett...

Danielle:
No judgment.

Jim:
Wait a second. You were trying?!

Stifler:
F*** no!

Jim:
You were trying?!

Stifler:
YOU were trying! Oh God! I kissed Jim!

Heather:
[Having phone sex with Oz] Oz, what should I do now?

Stifler:
[Listening in] Oh, Heather, baby, why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's?

Oz:
Stifler, get off!

Stifler:
I am getting off, listening to the two of you! Keep going!

Trumpet Kid:
You suck, retard.

Jim:
I'm not retarded. I'm a very special boy. [Jim uses the slide of the trombone to hit the kid in the face.]

Jim:
[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz] Amazing.

Stifler:
Yes. The force is strong in that one.

Steve Stifler:
[Grabbing his crotch] Shake this!

Steve Stifler:
[Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony] That's it, bathe the Stifmeister. Ohhh, Ohhhh that's GREAT! How'd you get it so nice and warm? Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.

Steve Stifler:
Tantric, what the f*** is Tantric?

Steve Stifler:
[answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.

Steve Stifler:
Finch, fist yourself!

Steve Stifler:
Eat sh*t, 'Sh*t break'.

Steve Stifler:
Whack away, Jim. Whack away.

Jim Levenstein:
My name is Petey, and I have gigantic balls!

Jim Levenstein:
But we never even had friendly hello sex.

Jim'S Dad:
My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis. [Stands up to the women], but that doesn't mean anything to you, does it? Because you don't have a penis, or maybe you do.

Jim'S Dad:
[to parents of girl they caught in bed with Jim] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady, I... didn't get your daughter's name, but I hope my son did.

Danielle:
[Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.

Michelle Flaherty:
Jim?! holy potatoes!

Michelle Flaherty:
This one time--um, here.