Antz

Z:
Wow, the whole colony is here. Hey, that guy owes me money.

Bala:
Excuse me. I guess you didn't recognize me. I've been traveling, and I'm all... schlumpy.

Z:
I'm supposed to do everything for the colony? What about my needs?

Princess Bala:
Worker, climb that tree and tell me where I am.

Z:
I've got to believe there's someplace better for me. Otherwise I'll just curl up into a larval position and weep.

Weaver:
You da ant.

Z:
I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my - my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.

Barbatus:
Don't make my mistake, kid. Don't follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself.

Bala:
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Z:
Well, maybe, then again, maybe not, and then again... yowch.

Bala:
That's it. You're the guy from the bar.

Z:
Shhh.

Queen:
Bar? What bar?

Bala:
I... danced with this guy at the bar the other night. He was just a worker, then.

Queen:
What were you doing at a bar?

General Mandible:
Precisely what I want to know.

Bala:
No. This isn't about me. I mean, Look at this worker. Look what he's done.

Z:
I think - I think you're thinking of someone else. After all, I am a soldier.

Bala:
Exactly. You WERE a worker, but now you're a war hero.

Queen:
He's a worker?

General Mandible:
A worker danced with my fiance?

Z:
F-fiance? Hey, w-wait a minute. Th-this is not how it looks. I-I can explain this... hey, SHE was the one making all the moves.

Bala:
Don't you get it? I chose you because you were the most pathetic bug in the joint.

Z:
You know, I was going to let you become a part of my most erotic fantasies, but now you can just write it off.

Bala:
I've been kidnapped by the village idiot.

Z:
Hey, who's the bigger idiot? The idiot, or the idiot who gets kidnapped by the idiot?

Bala:
Oh, good. Here they come to rescue me... and to kill you.

Z:
Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?

Bala:
Labor? What you YOU know about labor? How would YOU feel if you were expected to give birth every 10 seconds for the rest of your life?

Z:
Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night?

Bala:
I guess I was looking for a little trouble.

Z:
Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

Bala:
Z's dead.

Colonel Cutter:
Dead? Well... he was an ant with ideas. Too bad for him.

Z:
Let's be real about this. Bala and I... Bala is a princess, and I'm a soil relocation engineer.

Foreman:
Look, I got orders, and those orders say dig.

Z:
What if someone ordered you to jump off a bridge? You-you...

Z:
Oh, brother. I'm asking the wrong guy here.

General Mandible:
Seal up the doors. Cutter, did you hear me?

Colonel Cutter:
Sir, I've been thinking. Do we need to go through with this? Look at what these workers have done. They've got the right stuff. Isn't there any other way?

General Mandible:
Cutter, you're a fine officer. You have discipline, courage, ability... but you seem to have a weakness for the lower orders that I find disturbing. Now, are you with me?

Z:
There you have it: your average boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-the-underlying-social-order story.

Bala:
Z, I've gotta help my Mom.

Z:
Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

Colonel Cutter:
Time stands still for no ant.

Weaver:
Don't you want your aphid beer?

Z:
Call me crazy, but I have a thing about drinking from the anus of another creature.

Z:
What a bunch of losers. Mindless zombies capitulating to an oppressive system.

Princess Bala:
Hi. Wanna dance?

Z:
ABSOLUTELY.

Z:
Why'd I have to be born a worker? You soldiers get all the glory. Plus, you get to go out in the world. You know, you meet interesting insects; you get to kill them.

Weaver:
Yeah, but you get to spend all day with those beautiful worker girls.

Z:
Weaver, they're CAREER girls. They're obsessed with digging.

Weaver:
Would I meet some worker girls?

Z:
Are you kidding? They always go after the new guy. It's like a SPORT for them.

Z:
You know, I think there's been a terrible mistake. Truth is, I just came for the speech.

Z:
So, these... these termites, they're... they're, they're... these guys aren't going to put up much of a fight, right? I mean, we're talking about pushovers, right?

Barbatus:
Not really, kid. They're five times our size and spit acid from their foreheads.

Z:
I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I feel physically inadequate. I,I... My whole life, I've never... I've NEVER been able to lift more than ten times my body weight.

Z:
Handling dirt is not my idea of a rewarding career.

Z:
The whole system makes me feel... insignificant.

Psychologist:
Excellent. You've made a real breakthrough.

Z:
I have?

Psychologist:
Yes, Z. You ARE insignificant.

Z:
Okay, I've gotta give myself a positive attitude. A good attitude even though I'm utterly insignificant. I'm, I'm insignificant... but with attitude.

Azteca:
Come on, Z. Help us build a bigger, stronger colony, and for crying out loud, try to be happy about it.

Z:
Sure, why not?

Z:
Why should I be unhappy being a piece of construction equipment?

Z:
This is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Z:
Yes, yes, I understand. I dropped the ball.

Colonel Cutter:
Attack a termite colony? That's suicide.

General Mandible:
Exactly.

Weaver:
What are you bitching about? in case you haven't noticed, we ants are running the show. We're the Lords of the Earth.

Z:
Hey, don't talk to me about earth, okay, because I just spent all day hauling it around.

Chip:
Oh, please, Muffy. Not another crusade.

Z:
Who the HELL is that?

Z:
And, y'know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.

Colonel Cutter:
I have my orders.

Bala:
Don't you ever think for yourselves?

Colonel Cutter:
Well, that was impressive. Ah, where's Z?

General Mandible:
You're an ant after my own heart, an ant who looks death in the face and laughs.

Z:
Actually, I generally just make belittling comments and snicker behind death's back.

General Mandible:
Cutter, what are you doing?

Colonel Cutter:
Something I should have done a long time ago, sir.

Colonel Cutter:
This is for the good of the colony.

General Mandible:
You useless, ungrateful maggot! I am the colony!

Z:
We rebuilt the colony. Its better than before, because now we have a very large indoor swimming pool.

Therapist:
Excellent! You've made a real breakthrough.

Z:
I have?

Therapist:
Yes, Z. You are insignificant.

Z:
I am?

Weaver:
Z, I've known you for a long time, right?

Z:
Definitely; you were born two seconds after me.

Weaver:
Yeah, and ever since we were little, I've been listening to you complain. What are you bitchin' about? In case you haven't noticed, we ants are running the show! We're the lords of the earth!

Z:
Hey, don't talk to me about earth, okay? 'Cause I just spent all day hauling it around.

[Bala sneaks into the bar with two handmaidens]

Bala:
[excited] Wow... This is so... gritty!

Handmaiden 1:
Ten minutes and we're out of here, right? I mean, this place is off limits.

Bala:
Just blame it on me. Say it was all my idea.

Handmaiden 2:
It is all your idea!

Bala:
[removes her crown] Besides, no one's gonna recognize us. Come on, girls, what do you say? Let's take a walk on the wild side.

Bala:
[to her handmaidens] Step back, ladies. I'm gonna ask one of these workers to dance with me!

Z:
[watching the other ants dance in unison] What a bunch of losers. Mindless zombies capitulating to an oppressive system--

Bala:
Hi. Wanna dance?

Z:
[upon turning to see her] Absolutely!

Bala:
Follow me.

Z:
[as they step onto the dance floor] So, how come I haven't seen you around here before?

Bala:
Oh, I don't get out much. I, uh... I work over at the palace.

Z:
The palace, huh? I bet those royals really live it up. [secretively] Of course, they're all a little, you know, from inbreeding.

Bala:
What?

Z:
Please, Weaver, please. Switch jobs with me just, you know, for a day. Think of all the things I've done for you.

Weaver:
[pauses] Hm. I can't think of any.

Z:
Okay, so think of all the things that I'm gonna do for you!

Weaver:
[glances around, then leans in secretively] Would I meet some worker girls?

Z:
Are you kidding? They always go after the new guy! It's like a sport for them!

Z:
So these termites, they're, they're pushovers, right?

Barbatus:
Not really, kid. They're five times our size, and they shoot acid from their foreheads.

Z:
Huh?!

[Z stops marching, gaping in disbelief. As the next rank of soldiers comes up behind him, a soldier gives Z a shove.]

Soldier:
Hey! Keep it movin', shorty!

[Later, as the ant army is marching towards the termites' nest]

Z:
So, what exactly does our platoon do? Are we gonna be serving beverages, or processing paperwork?

Barbatus:
Our platoon has the best assignment of all. We're the first into battle.

[...]

Z:
[panicked] Hey, wait a minute, let's not get... we're being too hasty here! These guys sound like bruisers! Just how were you figuring on beating them?!

Barbatus:
Superior numbers, kid. Overwhelm their defenses, and kill their queen.

Z:
[stammering] I, um... Hey, fellas, that's... you're being a little extreme, I feel. Why don't... why don't we just try and influence their political process with campaign contributions?

Barbatus:
[laughing] I like you, kid. You got a sense of humor!

Ant Officer:
Companies! Forward!

Barbatus:
Come on! Let's kick some termite butt!

[Z and Bala both sigh when they escape from the magnifying glass, and hide in the "wilderness"]

Z:
Oh, don't worry. I'm okay.

Bala:
You?! You're okay?! Hey, who cares about you?! I almost died here!

Z:
Will you please calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?

Bala:
Hey, this is not a mood. Okay? You're not listening to me. Where am I?

[The praying mantis snores soundly, as the birds chirp in the background]

Bala:
Look, what's-your-name. Just climb up that tree, and find out where I am.

Z:
Look, th-the trick is not to panic. You know, h-h-he w-who panics is lost. Aw... What am I saying? I mean, we are lost. [he climbs up a stem of a thistle plant, but it droops over downwards towards Bala] Whoa! Whoa!

Bala:
[she gasps at Z]

Z:
[he grins and chuckles sarcastically at Bala, but the thistle part of the plant breaks off of the thistle plant, and falls to the ground, with Z holding on to it] Ow!

Bala:
[to the audience] I've been kidnapped by the village idiot.

Z:
Who's the bigger idiot? [he gets up, as he plucks the thistle thorns off of his body] The idiot, or the idiot who gets kidnapped by the idiot?

Bala:
What'd you do? Talk those termites to death? I can't believe you tried to pass yourself off as a soldier. Why are you stalking me? Don't you realize that I'm...out of your league?

Z:
You're the one who was cruising the worker bar looking for a little action! And you just happened to find it--the swarthy, earthy, sensual worker.

Bala:
Please. I was slumming it. Don't you get it? I chose you because you were the most pathetic little bug in the joint.

Z:
You know, I was gonna let you become part of my most erotic fantasies. But now, you can just forget that! Write it off, you know? I-I guess what you prefer is Old Blood and Guts! This guy's idea of a romantic night out is two seats at a public execution! Boy. You really chose the right husband. [he climbs up a spiked stem of a rose]

Bala:
For your information, the General and I are deeply, deeply in...engaged! You come right back down here this instant! We are marching straight back to the colony, so that I can go straight back to the palace, and tell my mother...

Z:
[he moves some of the rose's leaves out of his way with his hand, and sees the "monolith" (a drinking fountain) in the distance, the first of the series of landmarks on the way to Insectopia that Grebs told him about] The monolith!

Bala:
...and you can go back to your stupid little buggy bar!

Z:
Absolutely. Wonderful. [he climbs back down the rose's spiked stem towards Bala, who is standing on the ground] That's an appealing offer. But, considering the options, you go back. Okay? 'Cause I'm going to Insectopia.

Bala:
Oh, come on! Insectopia? You're crazier than I thought.

Z:
Yeah? Well, I happen to have it on a very reliable source. [he clears his throat] Or... Or should I say, a drunk, raving source? But the point is, I'm convinced the place definitely exists! [he heads on towards the monolith]

Bala:
Stop! I order you to stop, worker!

Z:
Hey! I got a name, okay?! It's Z! And out here, you can't order me around! [he continues walking on]

Bala:
All right! Fine! No problem! Grr! [Bala goes the opposite direction of Z, but suddenly, the ground underneath her starts to shake and rise, and she finds herself on the back of the praying mantis, who turns and gnashes its jaws at her. Bala gasps, and then runs after Z in terror] Worker! Worker, where are you? Z? Z, wait for me!

[Cutter watches, as the Queen tells Mandible that she wants Bala back]

Queen:
No more excuses, General. I want my daughter back. Frankly, I'm beginning to doubt your ability to handle this.

General Mandible:
Believe me, your highness, we'll spare no effort to bring her back. Princess Bala is essential to all our plans for the future.

[Z's independence has triggered a mass protest of workers]

Foreman:
People, come on. I know some ants who aren't gonna make their quota--

Worker:
Buzz off, pawn of the oppressor!

Z:
Huh.

Bala:
All right. All right. You’re genius.

Z:
Let’s eat.

[Z has been trying to feast on a sandwich at a picnic, only to be blocked by the clingfilm it's wrapped in]

Bala:
Well, what's the problem?

Z:
There's some kind of force-field!

[Above them, two wasps - Chip and Muffy - arrive]

Z:
Uh, excuse me? Excuse me? How... How do you get in?

Chip:
[flying down to them] Yes, yes, well, I'm afraid this is a private function.

Muffy:
Who are your friends, dear?

Chip:
Crawling insects, poopsie.

Muffy:
Oh, the poor dears. [to Z and Bala, slowly] Uh, good... morning!

Chip:
Darling, really? Greeting every insect that emerges out of the grass?

Bala:
Pardon me? I guess you don't recognize me! [the wasps land in front of them] I've been travelling, and I'm all... schlumpy. I'm Princess Bala.

Chip:
Oh! [to Muffy] It's even worse. They're Eurotrash!

Muffy:
Darling, they're poor, they're dirty, they're smelly. We have to help them. [leaning down, to Z and Bala] If you just wait right here, we'll get you a little something.

Chip:
Ugh! Please, Muffy, not another crusade.

Muffy:
Chippy, we have a social obligation to the less fortunate. [Chip rolls his eyes] I know you laugh at my hobbies, but this is important to me! [Z and Bala flinch as she stamps in frustration]

Chip:
Hm. You have such a big heart. That's why you're my little cuddly-widdles...!

Muffy:
Oh, my big strong pheromone factory...!

[The wasps start kissing in an exaggerated manner]

Z:
Oh, brother. Suddenly I've lost my appetite.

[Z and Bala sit with some other bugs around a campfire in Insectopia]

Ladybug:
[tasting a brown lump] This stuff tastes like crap.

Fly:
Really? Let me try some. [tastes it] Hey, it is crap! Not bad. [continues eating] Somebody needs to feed that fire.

Mosquito:
Dude, I did it last time.

Fly:
Well, I'm not gonna get it. It's not my job.

Ladybug:
What about the new guy? He hasn't contributed yet.

[They observe Z and Bala talking by themselves]

Z:
[about Barbatus] And... you know, he just died in my arms like that. I... You know, I don't think he ever once, in his life, made his own choice.

Bala:
[moved and saddened] I never knew it was like that. I mean, up in the palace... Well, I guess we just let the General make all the decisions.

Z:
Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night?

Bala :
I guess I was looking for a little trouble.

Z:
Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but, uh, I don't want you spreading that around.

Bala:
[chuckles] You're pretty strange. You do know that, don't you?

Z:
Well, [clears throat] "strange" is... not exactly the word I would use, you know--

Bala:
[smiling] I like it. You're not like anyone else.

Z:
[stammering] Actually, now that you mention it, I... there is a certain strangeness to me. I mean, it's a... you know, kind of a bizarre quality. Some have said "freak". But it's, uh, you know, complimentary.

[Bala keeps smiling, leaning towards him, and they are about to kiss]

Fly:
Hey, new guy! We need more wood.

[Bala shrugs disappointedly]

Z:
I'll be right back. Just hold that thought - whatever... whatever it is you were thinking. [to the other bugs, as he leaves] Hey, you ever wonder why they call you guys "pests"?

Mosquito:
What if, like, we're just these tiny things, and we're just, like, part of this whole other huge universe that's, like, so big we don't even know it exists?

Ladybug:
[chuckles] Man, that is so deep.

General Mandible:
What the hell is that?!

Cutter:
I think that's the "weak elements", sir.

Z:
Give me--give me your hand!

General Mandible:
Z! You're alive?! Let go! [Mandible grabs a spear] Don't you understand?! It's for the good of the colony!

Z:
Wh-what are you saying?! We are the colony!

[Mandible is about to kill Z, but Cutter punches Mandible in the face, knocking him to the ground]

General Mandible:
[rubbing his face] Cutter... what are you doing?

Cutter:
Something I should have done, a long time ago. This is for the good of the colony, sir. [Cutter grabs onto Z's hands to pull him up]

General Mandible:
You useless, ungrateful maggot! I am the colony! [He charges at Cutter]

Z:
[gasps] Look out!

[General Mandible and Z fall down into the hole towards the flooding colony. Mandible hits a root and Z lands in the water.]

Bala:
Z!

Cutter:
Men! Let's Move it! Get these ants up here!

[The soldiers start pulling the ants out, and Cutter flies in to rescue Z.]

Z:
All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. I-I-I, everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. I-I-I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I mean, how's it possible? And I've always had these, these abandonment issues, which plagued me. My father was basically a drone like I've said, and, you know, the guy flew away when I was just a larva. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. I, I, my whole life I've never, I've never been able to lift more than ten times my own body weight, and, and when you get down to it, handling dirt is, you know, ewwww, is not my idea of a rewarding career. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, that I - you know, I can't get, I try but I can't get it. I mean, you know what is it, I'm supposed to do everything for the colony, and, and what about my needs? What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I'll just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel - insignificant!

Z:
There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I found my place, and you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.

General Mandible:
[to the foreman of the Mega-Tunnel] You can't help it. It's your nature. But in spite of your limitations, you are going to finish this tunnel on schedule! Come hell or high water! For now on, anyone who falls behind will personally answer to Colonel Cutter! And let me assure you, that the Colonel is not understanding as I am. Dismissed!

General Mandible:
Sacrifice. To some, it is just a word. To others it is a code. The life of one individual ant does not matter. What matters is the colony. And each soldier knows that he's willing to live for the colony...to fight for the colony... to die for the colony.

General Mandible:
I've heard a lot about this "Z". I even had the pleasure of meeting him once. But where is he now? Can anyone point him out? I mean, if this Z cares so much about us, then why isn't he here? I'll tell you why. Because Z doesn't give a damn about us! That's why he kidnapped our Princess! That's why he ran away! Z is no hero. We are the heroes! We are the ones ensuring the future of our great colony. And when we complete this magnificent structure, we will reap the benefits! More food, and less work for everyone. And as further reward for your heroic efforts, each and every one of you will get the day off. So you can be the guest of honor, at the Megatunnel dedication ceremony!

General Mandible:
You useless, ungrateful maggot! I am the colony!

Azteca:
[to Weaver] Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy, muscles! You're making the rest of us look bad.

Azteca:
Don't tell that tightass anything, Weaver!

Weaver:
[to Z] Are you nuts?! You want me to switch places with you? Do you know how much trouble you can get into for even talkin' about impersonatin' a soldier? You can get in trouble just for listening to someone talkin' about impersonatin' a soldier! [Everyone who was listening in pretends to fall back asleep]