Arlen Faber

Arlen Faber:
[when asked if he is Arlen Faber] No. And neither is Arlen Faber.

Alex:
My mom says that meat is poisonous and can kill you.

Arlen Faber:
And I say, if that's not the best hamburger you've ever had, I'll change my name to Denise and run into the sea.

Kris Lucas:
I think that's f***ed, and I'm f***ed and you're all f***ed.

AA Member:
Yeah, I can see that.

[first lines]

Arlen Faber:
We would like to do a full expos? on Arlen Faber. It would coincide with the 20th anniversary release of Me and God. People want to read this story. I've read Me and God twelve times, for Christ's sake!

Arlen Faber:
[to Chiropractor's bureaucratic receptionist] When I can stand, I will kill you.

Mailman:
Mr. Faber, is there such a place a hell?

Arlen Faber:
Yes, there is. I think it was Sartre that said it best really when he said, and I quote, hell - is other people.

[slams the door]

Young Girl:
Excuse me, I'd like to sell you this book.

Dahlia:
Okay. [reading the title] Consciousness Without an Object. Wow! Sixth grade is different than I remember. Why do you want get rid of it?

Young Girl:
I just found... I found... [fishes out a crumpled note] I find the idea that you can use a conscious object to consider non-objective consciousness absurd. This book is poison to me.

Arlen Faber:
I love kids. They're short, highly emotional people who don't know anything. They rely on their creativity and imagination to get by in the world. A world, I might add, filled with giants. Amazing feat.

Elizabeth:
Now I only have three rules: don't take advice from someone you wouldn't trade places with, try not to do something you can't take back, and something is what it is and it's not something else.

Arlen Faber:
I forget my rule, but I think it has something to do with Square Dancing.

Arlen Faber:
You know what He says. [points upward]

Elizabeth:
No, I sure don't.

Arlen Faber:
For you and you alone I have made this place, kaleidoscope of wonder to keep your eye upon as I turn turn the world.

Mailman:
[about Arlen] Be careful with him. Maybe he wrote Me and God, but he did *not* read it.

Kris Lucas:
If God made everything, then why are some things bad? Like the whole pain and suffering thing...

Arlen Faber:
Opposites. Without things that suck, you would have no idea what good was, and therefore be directionless. You smell sh*t, you walk the other way.

Arlen Faber:
[into answering machine] I hate answering machines for this very reason, you know, they're like life, you can't take anything back.

Arlen Faber:
I'm sorry about when we met. The uh lap dancing, piercing, festival comment. I didn't know you were having such a hard time.

Kris Lucas:
So, you're only awful to people who don't have problems. That's good to know.

Kris Lucas:
So you're just like the rest of us...

Arlen Faber:
Not yet, but I'm trying.

Arlen Faber:
The answer to every question I ever had, is a kid like Alex whose got a mom like you.

[last lines]

Elizabeth:
Elizabeth.

Arlen Faber:
I'm Arlen. [they shake hands]

Kris Lucas:
Why can't I do the things I want to do? There's so much I know I'm capable of that I never actually do. Why is that?

Arlen Faber:
The trick is to realize that you're always doing what you want to do... always. Nobody's making you do anything. Once you get that, you see that you're free and that life is really just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you. You choose.

Arlen Faber:
You wanna know something cool about shaking hands with little people? They see us shaking hands but they don't know that we squeeze the other person's hand so they - y'know - they just hold hands with you for a couple of seconds.