Army of Darkness

Ash:
It's a trick. Get an axe.

Sheila:
I may be bad... but I feel gooood.

Ash:
Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

Ash:
Listen up you primitive apes! See this? *This* is my *boom stick*! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. *You got that*?

Duke Henry:
You're not one of my vassals... who are you?

Ash:
Who wants to know?

Duke Henry:
I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.

Ash:
Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and sh*t... and Jack just left town.

Ash:
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Sheila:
But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?

Ash:
Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

Ash:
Groovy.

Ash:
Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand things with alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures.

Ash:
Gimme some sugar, baby.

Ash:
Clatto Verata Nicto.

Wise man:
Again.

Ash:
Clatto Verata Nicto.

Wise man:
Again.

Ash:
I got it, I got it. I know your damn words, right?

Ash:
Clatto Verata N... Necktie... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!

Arthur:
Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?

Ash:
Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

Evil Ash:
I posses the Necronomicon! I crushed your pathetic army. Now I'll have my vengeance!

Ash:
(while reaching for sword) Buckle up, bonehead. Cause you're going for a ride!

Evil Ash:
(confused) Huh?

Ash:
(cuts off Evil Ash's hand (with the book in it, which he catches), then cuts the rope on the catapult)

(Evil Ash screams as he gets catapulted, then explodes)

Ash:
Come get some.

Ash:
Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.

Ash:
Name's Ash.

Ash:
Housewares.

Arthur:
How will we stop an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? With more words? Most of our people have already fled. We are but sixty men.

Sheila:
You found me beautiful once...

Ash:
Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

Ash:
All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up!

Ash:
Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash:
Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!

Ash:
What? Were you raised in a barn? Shut the door! Probably was raised in a barn, along with the other primitives.

Evil Ash:
I got a bone to pick with you.

Evil Ash:
You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a b*tch!

Ash:
Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth.

Old Woman:
Into the pit with those bloody-thirsty sons of whores!

Ash:
London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling doown! *steps on a nail held by the mini Ashes*

Evil Ash:
You're going down!

Ash:
I'm going up!

Ash:
Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!

Ash:
Now I swear the next one of you primates even *touches* me...

Ash:
Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Evil Ash:
You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!

Ash:
Hey! What's that you got on your face?

Evil Ash:
Huh?

Ash:
Now whoa whoa whoa right there spinach chin!

Ash:
That's it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!

Evil Ash:
Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-b*tch that ever died in battle!

Ash:
Sure, I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king.

“Hail to the king baby.”