Arthur

Susan:
A real woman could stop you from drinking.

Arthur:
It'd have to be a real BIG woman.

Arthur:
You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!

Arthur:
Bitterman! Do you want to double your salary?

Bitterman:
Yes sir!

Arthur:
Then open that door!

Susan:
Arthur, take my hand.

Arthur:
But that would only leave you with one!

Arthur Bach:
Girls, girls, girls! I love girls!

Arthur Bach:
I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.

Hobson:
Normally, someone would have to go to a bowling alley to meet someone of your stature.

Arthur:
Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a bath.

Hobson:
I'll alert the media.

Arthur:
Do you want to run my bath for me?

Hobson:
It's what I live for.

Hobson:
Perhaps you would like me to wash your dick for you... you little sh*t.

Arthur Bach:
God, Hobson, isn't life wonderful?

Hobson:
Yes it is, Arthur, do your armpits.

Arthur Bach:
A hot bath is Wonderful... Girls are WONDERFUL!

Hobson:
Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be... Get dressed.

Arthur Bach:
I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.

Hobson:
Good afternoon. If you and your undershirt will take two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.

Arthur:
Where's the rest of this moose.

Burt Johnson:
Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.

Arthur:
I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.

Arthur:
I don't have to tell you that.

Arthur:
You must've hated this moose.

Burt Johnson:
Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!

Arthur:
Right.

Arthur Bach:
It's so small, they recently had the whole country carpeted.

Arthur:
I've never taken care of anyone. But if you got sick, I'd take care of you.

Linda:
Then I'll get sick.

Arthur Bach:
I hate it here!

Hobson:
Of course you hate it. People work here.

Arthur Bach:
You must have hated this moose.

Arthur Bach:
This must be awfully embarrassing for you.

Arthur Bach:
Not all of us who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

Arthur:
Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do.

Executive:
He gets all that money. Pays his family back by... by... by bein' a stinkin' drunk. It's enough ta make ya sick.

Hobson:
I really wouldn't know, sir. I'm just a servant.

Executive:
Yeah.

Hobson:
On the other hand, go screw yourself.

Arthur:
Hobson, do you know what the worst thing is about being me?

Hobson:
I should imagine your breath.

Arthur:
Oh stay with me Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.

Hobson:
Yes, bathing is a very lonely business.

Arthur:
Except for fish.

Hobson:
Pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?

Arthur:
Yes. . .fish all bath together. Though they do tend to eat one another. I often think. . .fish must get awful tired of sea food. What are you thoughts Hobson?

Arthur:
It's a very tiny country... Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war.

Ralph:
I take it this bum will be calling you?

Linda:
Dad! He's a millionaire.

Ralph:
You have my permission to marry him.

Arthur Bach:
What I had in mind was spending the night with a stranger who loves me.

Arthur:
What are you doing later tonight?

Linda:
Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear?

Hobson:
Steal something casual.

Hobson:
Poor people are not loved, Arthur. They urinate in public and have very few teeth.

Hobson:
I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?

Hobson:
Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures.

Hobson:
A little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.

Hobson:
If I begin to die, please take this off my head. This is not the way I wish to be remembered.

Hobson:
Would you remove your helmet, please?

Arthur:
Why?

Hobson:
Please.

Hobson:
Thank you. Now your goggles.

Arthur:
Why?

Hobson:
Please.

Hobson:
Thank you.

Hobson:
You spoiled little bastard!

Burt Johnson:
Hello, Arthur.

Arthur:
Hello, Mr. Johnson.

Burt Johnson:
I haven't seen much of you lately.

Arthur:
Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?

Burt Johnson:
I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.

Arthur:
That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!

Burt Johnson:
I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making.

Arthur:
You may be right. I can't decide.

Lady in Coffee Shop:
Hey honey! Where's my hamburger?

Linda:
I honestly don't know

Martha Bach:
Enought is enough Arthur. Marry the b*tch!

Arthur:
I used to buy a new couch each week to match the TV guide

Hobson:
You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.

(Arthur is totally drunk...)

Someone:
Don't you think you have had enough?

Arthur:
I want more than enough!

Don't you hate Perry's wife?

Arthur:
Have you ever been on a yacht?

Linda:
No, is it wonderful?

Arthur:
It doesn't suck.

[in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag]

Arthur:
Hobson, did you see that?

Hobson:
Yes.

Arthur:
She stole that tie! It's the perfect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.

Hobson:
Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?

Arthur:
He's taking the knife out of the cheese!

Linda:
Oh, my God!

Arthur:
Do you think he wants some cheese?

Linda:
No, I think we're gonna die!

Hobson:
(when introduced to Arthur's girlfriend, Linda)

"Thank you for a memorable afternoon. Usually, one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature."

Bartender:
Your regular?

Arthur:
Yes, I am. But thank you for your concern.