As If

[when he realizes that Sooz is in the men's room]

Jamie Collier:
The men's toilet, have you grown a penis?

Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee:
No, have you?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
You were flirting with him all night!

Nicki Sutton:
Who?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Serge!

Nicki Sutton:
I was NOT.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Nicki, your knickers were around your ankles

Nicki Sutton:
I wanna know who he lost his virginity to.

Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee:
We're not doing that, are we?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Well I can tell you... She was more woman than you'll ever be, and more man than you'll ever get.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
I don't want cheering up. I'm enjoying being miserable. It's a part of the process. It's like grieving. It's necessary.

Nicki Sutton:
It is?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Let's get this straight: For the record, I hate musicals, especially "The Wizard of Oz"! I think all modern art is pretentious junk. And shopping is NOT better than sex! Especially when it's instead of sex! Now, I don't know what manual on gay men you've been consulting, but it's out of date, all right?

[trying to dissuade Jamie from handing out flyers with his phone number on the streets]

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Do you really think any girl in her right mind is gonna call you?

Jamie Collier:
Two words my son... Sex Digest.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Two more... Insane asylum.

[just before she swallows a bunch of sleeping pills]

Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee:
Life can't get any better.

[complaining about the age of consent in the UK being higher for homosexuals than for heterosexuals]

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
It's a load of crap all this consent lark. Everyone of my mates is getting it, why can't I?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
I'm not being heterophobic... Some of my best friends are straight.

[Allen's first line upon meeting student teacher Alex]

Allen Rissbrook:
Coming, Sir?

Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee:
Jaime. If you really want to help you should go and create a performance piece. You know, something alone the line of... Food as Dirt... juxtaposed with the cleansing ritual.

Jamie Collier:
Right, so you want me to do the washing up, then.

Tyler:
Skint isn't a problem. It's a lifestyle.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
I had no idea apples were such promiscuous fruits.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Aren't you underage?

Allen Rissbrook:
For what?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Drinking. And it's a school night.

Allen Rissbrook:
All work and no play makes Al a dull boy.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
You mean me or you?

Allen Rissbrook:
Sorry, we on a first name terms now?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
No I just...

Allen Rissbrook:
Tell me. Are you feeling lucky tonight then? Cause I am. Al.

Allen Rissbrook:
So here's how I see it. You're almost a teacher, and I'm pretty much a student. So it'd be a really bad idea if you kissed me.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
What?

Allen Rissbrook:
It'd be like crossing a line.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Yeah, and that's precisely why I'm NOT gonna do it.

Allen Rissbrook:
No, but I can SAY ya did. Yeah?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Are you threatening me? When I can tell them that you were sitting in here, underage...

Allen Rissbrook:
[taking one of Alex's tequilas] Drinking a drink that you bought me? [Alex grabs his wrist] With you holding my hand?

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
You're screwed up.

Allen Rissbrook:
Kiss me. Or I'll say you did. You know you want to.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
No I don't.

Allen Rissbrook:
Yes you do. Al... Sir...

[discussing Alex's past]

Jamie Collier:
Classic thing is, Right. There was this guy once. Al was totally into him. But he had to lie about his age to get him. So I think now, being around kiddies, freaks him out a bit.

Allen Rissbrook:
Yeah, he's nice, Al, isn't he?

Jamie Collier:
Yeah he is. He's always clean and punctual and... [Realizing Allan is gay] Right. Ya mean nice.

Allen Rissbrook:
Yeah.

Jamie Collier:
Sorry mate. I had ya down as one of us.

[Sooz is fanatacizing how her friends will react if she commits suicide]

Sasha Williams:
I'm pregnant.

Sasha Williams:
Let's call the baby Sooz. Even if it's a boy.

Alexander 'Alex' Stanton:
Sooz, This is Jeff. We met over a few beers last night.

Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee:
[wrongly appraising Jeff as a trick] Right.

Jeff:
And what a night it was too. Could hardly walk this morning.

Jamie Collier:
[thinking that Al and Jeff had a date] So, you and Al hit it off last night then?

Jeff:
[Thinking that he's talking about their night of drinking and darts] Yeah, his wrist action is a bit dodgy though. Needs a bit more oomph. His aim's really good. That's no use if the bloody thing keeps popping out.

Jamie Collier:
[as to why girls aren't as obsessed with sex as blokes] There's the whole equipment issue, right? Outta sight outta mind.