Back to the Woods

Larry:
[an imaginary horse race] They're off! Who's in the quarter?

Curly:
Whopper!

Larry:
Who's in the half?

Curly:
Whopper!

Larry:
Who's in the stretch?

Curly:
Whopper!

Larry:
Who's the winner?

Curly:
Rosemont!

Moe:
Who's the winner?

Curly:
Rosemont.

[Moe slaps him]

Judge:
[shouting above the confused noise] Order! Order!

Curly:
Order? I'll take a ham sandwich!

Judge:
Hold thy tongue!

Curly:
Not tongue, ham!

Larry:
[as Curly heads for Faith, who is more attractive than her sister Charity] What doest thou? I saw her first!

Curly:
Pish-posh and tish-tosh! I'll never give her up. Why does not thou take Charity?

Larry:
I need not charity. I'm on the WPA.

Curly:
WPA?

Larry:
Aye! Willing Pilgrims Association.

Chief Rain in the Puss:
Ugh! No more war. Give 5000 shekels.

Governor:
But we have no more than this. [He shakes a small pouchful of coins]

Chief Rain in the Puss:
Mmmm! Good down payment. Take mortgage on balance - interest six per cent.

Pilgrim:
Thank goodness! At last are we free to hunt?

Chief Rain in the Puss:
No! No hunt till FOB!

Governor:
FOB?

Chief Rain in the Puss:
Fork over balance!

Curly:
Indian givers!

Moe:
Fire at will!

Curly:
Which one is Will?

Judge:
Ye are accused of doing battle with his Majesty's guards. What say ye to the charge?

Larry:
I can explain, judge. you see-eth, it was like this-eth. I...

Judge:
Guilty! I sentence ye to Newcape prison for forty years! ye to forty-five! Ye to fifty!

Moe:
Forty?

Larry:
Forty-five?

Curly:
Fifty? I got fifty. Fifty. Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, do I hear fifty-five, do I hear fifty five? Going once, twice, do I hear fifty-five? Who'll make it fifty-five?

Judge:
[breaks gavel] I shall!

Curly:
Thank you. I... Woo!

Judge:
Fifty-five years for the lot of ye at hard labor!

Prosecutor:
But your lordship, t'would cost the crown a pretty penny to feed yon wastrels for fifty-five years! Why not send him to our colonies in America to fight the redskin savage?

Curly:
Oh, I just love corned beef and savage!

Judge:
Silence! I now sentence ye knaves to defend our colonists from the savages!

Moe:
Gadzooks! They'll scalp us alive!

Curly:
Not me! Nyuk nyuk!

Moe:
[to Faith] All my life I have been looking for a maid like thee, Toots.