Bad Golf My Way

Leslie Nielsen:
Did you know Louie the XIV, the king of France, never bathed in his entire lifetime? Can you imagine how he smelled?

Leslie Nielsen:
Pressure. How much can a player take before he breaks? Why do some golfers just snap like a twig, while others maintain a steely grip through thick and thin? Call it concentration. Call it discipline. Call it... Nagorno-Karabakh. It's the quality that separates winners from losers, and losers from their money.

Leslie Nielsen:
The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. And only one secret has emerged, one swing of thought that always works. And that thought is: Don't think. But you can't just forget not to think. You must remember not to remember to think. And you must not remember that you forgot to remember. It's a lot not to think about, but even if you sometimes forget not to forget not to think about your swing, there are ways to help your opponent remember to think about his.

Leslie Nielsen:
To putt it hard, to putt it soft, that is the question. To roll the pallid sphere, not knowing where perchance it may repose. Oh, vile green that hath such breaks upon it! Why dost thou punish men with such deception? In, in, sweet sphere, and flights of angels, speed thee to thy hole. Thou crude and speckless blob of rubber stuff, how canst thou come so close and still not fall?

Brad:
Will you shut up?

Leslie Nielsen:
It has been said that a woman with a man is like a fish without a bicycle. So it must be said that roses are red and violets are blue, and I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

Brad:
You don't play golf; you play flog. That's "golf" spelled backwards.

Brad:
You'll remember my performance today long after the Academy Awards are dead and buried.

Leslie Nielsen:
Zen Buddhism, the ancient Japanese spiritual tradition, is filled with paradoxes, puzzles, contradictions. Does a tree that falls unnoticed in the forest make a noise? What is the sound of one hand clapping, or one mind snapping? The proud man of skill is defeated by the inspired ineptitude of the clown. Or, as the great 12th century poet, Sushi Toro says: "Toro moguro hamachi saki, uni onagi, yakitori sukiyaki." Translation: "Never give a sucker an even break."

Leslie Nielsen:
A man of average stature with nothing but a cape, a sword, and a pair of cojones, fights and kills a huge, rampaging bull weighing half a ton. Now how is that possible? Of course it takes courage, daring bravado, but most of all it requires the ability to understand the nature of the beast you're dealing with. If you can see into his mind, it doesn't matter how big he is or how hard he charges. He will be putty in your hands. It's all a matter of knowing what makes your opponent tick.

Leslie Nielsen:
Bob, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, will you lend a helping hand?

The Caddy:
Putt breaks left to right.

Brad:
I don't know what the hell you're trying to pull, pal. I know this green, it breaks right to left.

The Caddy:
Sorry, left to right.

Brad:
Right to left!

Leslie Nielsen:
Brad, is that your right, or is it his? Because if it's your right, then you're right. But if it's his, then left to right is right, right? I mean, if you're standing this way, then it is your right, but if you're standing this way...

Leslie Nielsen:
You know, in the 16th century, King Philip the 2nd of Spain was laying a siege to a sea port town, and his daughter, Isabella, swore that until the town fell, she would not change her underwear. It took three years for that town to fall. Can you imagine if she and "No Bath" Louis the 14th got together, what a dynamic duo they would've been?