Barney's Version

Barney Panofsky:
For the first time in my life, I am truly in love.

Izzy:
You're married to a well-bred woman who is loaded, who makes a nice, flaky kugel, has a beautiful rack... and many successful marriages have been built on far less.

Miriam:
Are you out of your mind?

Barney Panofsky:
No! I'm bent over backwards in love!

Izzy:
[Staring at a sexy woman] I need to get laid...

Barney Panofsky:
This is the paternal wisdom I'm gonna get?

Barney Panofsky:
...and I'm just gonna keep talking here, 'cause I'm afraid that if I stop there's gonna be a pause or a break and you're gonna say 'It's getting late' or 'I should get going', and I'm not ready for that to happen. I don't want that to happen. Ever. [they pause]

Miriam:
There it was. The pause.

Barney Panofsky:
Yeah.

Miriam:
I'm still here.

Clara 'Chambers' Charnofsky:
Oh Barney, you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. Now put it away, it's disgusting to look at.

2nd Mrs. P's Father:
Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons?

Izzy:
Gratuitously? I always got paid, I ain't gonna work for free.

Barney Panofsky:
Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again.

2nd Mrs. P's Father:
He traumatized the Rabbi's wife...

Barney Panofsky:
I don't care if he fingered her under the table. He's my father and he'll have your respect.

Barney Panofsky:
So you f***ed her?

Boogie:
It was the only thing that would shut her up.

Barney Panofsky:
Should I sleep on the sofa?

Miriam:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not sleeping on the sofa, we don't sleep apart. Good night.

Dr. Morty:
What kind of car do you drive?

Barney Panofsky:
Morty, that's f***ing embarrassing.

Dr. Morty:
Just answer it.

Barney Panofsky:
A... you know, goddamn it... it's German... I can't even find the f***ing thing. Why should I care what it's called?

Miriam:
We can be friends now, can't we?

Barney Panofsky:
No. We can't.

Miriam:
I'm here for you if you'll let me. We had a beautiful marriage, but it's over. I want you to be at peace with that.

Barney Panofsky:
Have I ever given up when it comes to you?

Miriam:
Never.

Barney Panofsky:
So what makes you think I would start now?

Miriam:
Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter. They have consequences. If you want people to take you seriously, then act accordingly. Do you understand me, Barney?

Barney Panofsky:
Yes

Miriam:
What am I saying?

Barney Panofsky:
Be great in act, as you have in thought

[first lines]

Blair:
Hello?

Barney Panofsky:
Blair, I'd like to speak with my wife.

Blair:
Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Barney Panofsky:
Put my wife on the phone.

Blair:
She's not your wife and I'm not waking her.

Barney Panofsky:
All right. Well, then just ask her what she wants me to do with all these nude photos I have of her. Ah, come to think of it, you actually might want them, if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime.

Blair:
[hangs up]

Miriam:
We were just gonna throw some burgers on the barbecue. Do you want to join us?

Blair:
I'm a vegan. But thank you.

Barney Panofsky:
A what? Is that treatable?