Batman

The Joker:
Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?

The Joker:
I've been dead once already; it's very liberating. You might think of it as... therapy.

The Joker:
I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.

Joker:
Hello, Vinny. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!

Alfred Pennyworth:
I have little desire to spend my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.

Knox:
You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say...

Eckhardt:
And I say... you're full of sh*t, Knox. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.

Jack Napier:
Decent people shouldn't live here; they'd be happier someplace else.

Vicki Vale:
You're insane!

Joker:
I thought I was a Pisces!

The Joker:
Where does he get those wonderful toys?

The Joker:
Bruce... Wayne, n'est-ce pas?

Bruce Wayne:
Most of the time.

Nic:
Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!

Batman:
I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.

Nic:
What are you?

Batman:
I'm Batman.

The Joker:
The pen, is truly mightier than the sword!

Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent:
We received a letter from Batman. 'Citizens of Gotham. Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But should the forces of evil rise again to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me.'

Alexander Knox:
Question. How do we call him?

Commissioner Jim Gordon:
He gave us a signal.

Vicki Vale:
Mr. Joker, you make such beautiful things, ohh, you're so powerful, and PURPLE ohh I love purple.

Batman:
Excuse me.

Batman:
Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moon light?

Batman:
I'm going to kill you!

The Joker:
You IDIOT! You made me. Remember, you dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.

Batman:
I know you did.

The Joker:
Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?

The Joker:
Never rub another man's rhubarb.

The Joker:
Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face.

Jack Napier:
Nice outfit!

Joker:
Oh, I got a live one here!

Vicki Vale:
I've just got to know. Are we gonna try and love each other?

Bruce Wayne:
I'd like to. But he's out there right now. And I've got to go to work.

Jack Napier:
Stop the press, who is that?

Vicki Vale:
Some people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.

Batman:
He's psychotic.

Vicki Vale:
Some people say the same about you.

Batman:
What people?

Vicki Vale:
Well, face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?

Batman:
This isn't exactly a normal world, is it?

The Joker:
Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But remember, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.

Batman:
You killed my parents.

The Joker:
What? What? What are you talking about?

Batman:
I made you, you made me first.

The Joker:
Give me a break. I was a kid when I killed your parents. When I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." How childish can you get?

Batman:
I'm going to kill you!

The Joker:
You IDIOT! You made me. Remember, you dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.

The Joker:
And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!

Vicki Vale:
What do you want?

The Joker:
My face on the one dollar bill.

Vicki Vale:
You must be joking.

The Joker:
Do I look like I'm joking?

Alfred Pennyworth:
I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.

Vicki Vale:
Hi, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.

Vicki Vale:
I'm not a bit surprised.

The Joker:
New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex.

Alicia:
You look fine.

Jack Napier:
I didn't ask.

The Joker:
Jack is dead, my friend. You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier!

The Joker:
My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't anyone tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.

The Joker:
Joker here. Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which were true, under that fiend Boss Grissom. He was a thief, and a terrorist. One the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a KILLER. I am an artist. I LOVE a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival!

The Joker:
Ah, come on you gruesome, son of a b*tch! Come to me. Ha ha, come on!

The Joker:
Darling, I've got to get you to the church on time.

The Joker:
What kind of a world is this where a man dressed as a bat gets ALL MY PRESS? This town needs an enema!

Commissioner Jim Gordon:
This is Commissioner Gordon! I want him taken alive! I repeat: Any man who opens fire on Jack Napier will answer to me!

The Joker:
"Winged freak terrorizes"? Wait'll they get a load of ME!

The Joker:
Who's this loss?

Bob the Goon:
This is Knox, the reporter.

The Joker:
Bad tie.

The Joker:
You set me up over a woman, a WOMAN! You must be insane...

Batman:
You weighed a little more than a hundred and eight.

Vicki Vale:
Oh really!

Batman:
Let's go.

Vicki Vale:
I'm reading your stuff.

Alexander Knox:
Well, I'm reading yours.

Vicki Vale:
Hi! I'm Vicki Vale.

Jack Napier:
So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.

Joker:
I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.

Jack Napier:
Hey Eckhardt, think about the future!

The Joker:
Why, Eckhardt, you ought to think about the future.

Eckhardt:
You mean when you run this show? You ain't got no future, Jack. You're an A-1 nut boy, and Grissom knows it.

Joker:
At midnight, I will dump twenty million in cash on the crowd. Don't worry about me, I have enough.

Joker:
As though we were made for each other... Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.

Alexander Knox:
Why don't they call him Bruce Vain?

Mugger:
I'm tellin'you man, the Giant Bat!

The Joker:
It can be truly said, that I have a bat in my belfry.

The Joker:
Shall we dance?

The Joker:
Sometimes I just kill myself!

Batman:
See that thing on my belt? Grab it! Whatever you do, don't let go.

Eddie:
I heard that the Bat got him.

Nic:
The Bat? Oh, man. Gimme a break, will you?

Eddie:
Five stories... straight down. There wasn't no blood in the body.

Nic:
No sh*t. It was all over the pavement.

Rotelli:
What's with that stupid grin?

The Joker:
Life's been good to me.

Batman:
Let me tell you about this guy I know. Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.

The Joker:
I like him already.

Bruce Wayne:
You want to get nuts? Come on! Lets get nuts!

The Joker:
Well, I'm no Picasso, but do you like it?

Joker:
Antoine got a little hot on the collar.

The Joker:
It's time to retire! Feel free to drop dead!

The Joker:
Hey you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?

The Joker:
We have a flying mouse to kill, and I wanna clean my claws.

The Joker:
They don't make 'em like they used to, hey Batsy!

Joker:
Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lawrence?

Joker:
Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today.

Joker:
Huh.

Bruce Wayne:
Y'see, my life is really com-PLEX.

Joker:
Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.

Joker:
No?

Joker:
Grease 'em now? Well, OK. You are a vicious bastard Rotelli, and, uh, I'm glad you're dead!

Grissom:
Jack, it's an important job. I need someone I can trust. You... are my number one... guy!

Joker:
Bob, I want you to go down to the globe. Follow that reporter Knox. Take your camera. See what he know about this Batman. And Bob...

Joker:
Remember... you... are my number one... guy!

Joker:
Have you shipped a million of those things?

Scientist at Axis Chemicals:
Yes sir!

Joker:
Ship 'em ALL! We're gonna take 'em out a WHOLE NEW DOOR!

Jack Napier:
Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.

Eckhardt:
Why don't you just broadcast it?

Jack Napier:
Shut up.

The Joker:
Bob, I'm of a mind to make some mookie.

Vicki Vale:
What about your family?

Bruce Wayne:
Actually, Alfred is my family.

Vicki Vale:
You know, this house and all this stuff really doesn't seem like you at all.

Bruce Wayne:
Some of it is very much me. Some of it isn't.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Miss Vale telephoned. She was rather concerned. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might only strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.

Bruce Wayne:
You're right about that.

Alfred Pennyworth:
And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.

Bruce Wayne:
It's Japanese.

Knox:
How do you know that?

Bruce Wayne:
Because I bought it in Japan.

The Joker:
Bob? Gun.

The Joker:
I'm gonna need some time alone, boys.

Vicki Vale:
What do you want?

The Joker:
Oh, Little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance.

[At a secret meeting in an alley, Jack Napier throws a bag to Lt. Max Eckhardt.]

Jack Napier:
Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.

Lt. Max Eckhardt:
Why don't you broadcast it?

Jack Napier:
Shut up and listen. Harvey Dent's been sniffing around one of our front companies.

[Eckhardt opens the bag to find a wad of cash between two pieces of bread.]

Lt. Max Eckhardt:
That's my territory. If there's a problem, I deal with it.

Jack Napier:
Your problems are our problems.

Lt. Max Eckhardt:
I answer to Grissom, not to psychos.

Jack Napier:
Why Eckhardt, you ought to think about the future.

Lt. Max Eckhardt:
You mean when you run this show. You ain't got no future, Jack! You're an A-1 nut boy and Grissom knows it.

[Jack calmly pushes Eckhardt, who draws his gun on Napier but freezes when Napier's bodyguard Bob draws on him.]

Jack Napier:
Better be sure.

[Eckhardt lowers his gun.]

Jack Napier:
See? You can make a good decision when you try.

[He laughs and walks away with Bob, leaving Eckhardt alone in the alley.]

Lt. Max Eckhardt:
Where have you been spending your nights?

[Grissom, in his penthouse, reads a newspaper proclaiming Harvey Dent's plan to target organized crime in Gotham City.]

Carl Grissom:
Say this son of a b*tch makes a connection with us and with Axis Chemicals. What kind of damage are we looking at?

Mobster:
If he ties us in with Axis Chemical, we're dead and buried. We should move immediately.

Jack Napier:
[fiddling with a deck of playing cards] I say we break into the place, trash the office, make off with the records, and say it was industrial espionage.

Carl Grissom:
Jack, smart thinking. That's the way to go. In fact, I'd like you to handle this operation personally.

Jack Napier:
[surprised] Me?

[He draws a Joker from the deck and sees Alicia entering the penthouse.]

Carl Grissom:
Hello, sweetheart! I wonder if - if you'd mind waiting in the next room.

[She does so, giving Napier a sultry look that Grissom spots.]

Carl Grissom:
That's all, gentlemen, thank you, thank you, gentlemen, that's all.

[The other mobsters file out, leaving Grissom and Napier alone.]

Jack Napier:
Carl, uh, can we get somebody else to do this? The fumes in that place...

Carl Grissom:
Jack...it's an important job. I need someone I can trust. You are my number-one guy. Now, don't forget... [sprays the deck into Napier's hat] ...your lucky deck.

[Napier leaves, still uneasy.]

Carl Grissom:
[to himself, picking up telephone receiver] My friend, your luck is about to change. [dials number]

Police dispatcher:
Police Department.

Carl Grissom:
Get me Lieutenant Eckhardt.

[A back-alley surgeon has just finished trying to repair Jack Napier's face.]

Surgeon:
Let's see how we did.

[He starts to remove the bandages, but Napier wakes up and pulls them off himself.]

Surgeon:
[softly, horrified] Oh, my God...

Jack Napier:
Mirror. MIRROR!

[The surgeon hands Napier a mirror and he begins to chuckle at his reflection.]

Surgeon:
You understand that the nerves were completely severed, Mr. Napier.

[Napier laughs madly and shatters the mirror.]

Surgeon:
[showing his tools to Napier] You see what I have to work with here.

[Napier continues laughing as he pushes the surgeon out of his way, breaks the overhead light bulb, and leaves.]

[As Grissom pours himself a drink in his penthouse, Jack Napier/The Joker enters and stands in the shadows]

Carl Grissom. That you, sugar bumps? [turns around] Who the hell are you?

The Joker. It's me.... "sugar bumps".

Carl Grissom. [alarmed] Jack? Oh...oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been--

The Joker. Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up.... over a woman. A WOMAN! You must be insane.

[Grissom guzzles his drink and reaches for a gun, but Jack draws on him first.]

The Joker:
Don't bother.

Carl Grissom. Your life won't be worth SPIT!

The Joker. I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh, therapy.

Carl Grissom. Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.

The Joker. Jack? Jack is dead, my friend. [emerging into the light] You can call me...Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier. [laughs maniacally while repeatedly shooting Grissom] Eh, what a day.

The Joker:
So, gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh.... [chuckles] .... resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run this city into the ground.

Vinnie Ricorso:
Why don't we hear this from Grissom?

Antoine Rotelli:
Yeah, and what's with that stupid grin?

The Joker:
Life's been good to me.

Antoine Rotelli:
What if we say "no"?

The Joker:
[stands up and comes towards Rotelli] Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. And if we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands, and that'll be it. [reaches out his hand for a shake]

Antoine Rotelli:
Yeah?

The Joker:
Yeah.

[Joker grabs Rotelli's hand and starts electrocuting him via joy buzzer-esque device hidden in his palm]

The Joker:
[acts surprised, looking at other gangsters] Woo! Woo! [chuckles] I got a live one here! [laughs maniacally while Rotelli catches fire] Oh, there'll be hot time in the old town tonight!

[Joker continues to laugh maniacally and eventually releases Rotelli's body, which - now reduced to a blackened, smoldering skeleton - falls back into the chair; at this moment, Joker's goons enter the room and surround the mob leaders, holding them at a gunpoint]

The Joker:
[laughs] Antoine got a little hot under the collar!

Vinnie Ricorso:
You're crazy.

The Joker:
Have you not heard of the healing power of laughter? [laughs again and starts erasing his make-up, revealing white skin underneath] NOW, GET OUTTA HERE!!!! [Joker's goons force the gangsters out of the room] And think it over. [laughs again]

Vinnie's Assistant:
We have witnesses. Grissom's signature is perfectly legitimate.

The Joker:
It is legitimate! I saw it. I was there. I saw it all. He reached up with his dead hand and signed it in his own blood. And he did it with this pen. [pulls out a poison quill pen] Hello, Vinnie. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check. [throws quill pen at Vinnie, hitting him in the neck and killing him instantly] The pen.... is truly mightier than the sword!

[Action News, Peter and a new anchorwoman are without beauty products.]

Anchorwoman:
Six new deaths with no clues on the Joker's deadly weapon.

Peter:
And what is the pattern? Food? Alcohol? Or Beauty or hygiene products? Cologne? Mouthwash? Underarm deodorant?

Anchorwoman:
Or worse yet, there may be no pattern. The search goes on through Gotham's shopping nightmare.

[Joker and Bob are watching the latest news report]

Peter:
Avoid the following combinations: deodorant with baby powder, hairspray, and lipstick. Safe products are flying in as Gotham City goes on a forced fast and all of Gotham is wondering what to make of Batman: Friend or Foe?

The Joker:
I have given a name to my pain and it is Batman.

[He shoots the TV set and gives the gun to Bob]

The Joker:
Must possess strength to inflict pain, Bob. We've got a flying mouse to kill and I want to clean my claws.

Batman:
Excuse me. You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? [punches Joker and knocks him against a bell, before grabbing him] I'm going to kill you.

Joker:
You... IDIOT!!! You made me, remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try!

Batman:
[smirks] I know you did.

[Batman punches Joker in the stomach and knocks him through a wall. He grabs him and helps him up only to punch him in the face again. Joker stands up, muttering and clutching his mouth until he spits out a chattering teeth toy. He retaliates by punching Batman in the stomach, only to break his fingers on the body armor]

Batman:
You killed my parents.

Joker:
What? [spits blood on the floor] What are you talking about?

Batman:
I made you; you made me first.

Joker:
Hey, bat-brain, I was a kid when I killed your parents! I mean, c'mon, gimme a break, huh? I say that I made you, you've gotta say that you made me. How childish can you get? [puts on a pair of glasses] You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? Huh?!

[Batman knocks the Joker over the side]

Alfred:
[Opening the limo door for Vicki] I thought champagne would be in order, ma'am.

Vicki:
Hi, Alfred. [Gets into the limo as Alfred closes the door, then gets into the driver seat]

Alfred:
Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.

Vicki:
[smiles] I'm not a bit surprised...

Bruce Wayne nespa?

Vicki:
Hi. Tell me if I'm crazy. But that wasn't just another night for either of us, was it? I mean, we both got to each other, didn't we? Why won't you let me in? Why?

Bruce:
You got in.

Vicki:
I've loved you since I met you. But I don't know what to think of all this. I really don't.

Bruce:
Look, sometimes I don't know what to think about this. It's just something I have to do.

Vicki:
Why?

Bruce:
Because nobody else can. Look, I tried to avoid all this, but I can't. This is how it is. It's not a perfect world.

Vicki:
It doesn't have to be a perfect world. I just gotta know, are we going to try to love each other?

Bruce:
[short pause] I'd like to. But he's out there right now. And I've got to go to work.

The Joker/Jack Napier:
Batman?, Batman?, Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?! This town needs an enema!

The Joker/Jack Napier:
[in TV ad] New and improved Joker products! With the new secret ingredient--Smylex! Now, let's go over to our blind taste test. Uh-oh. He don't look happy. He's been using Brand X! [extends X sound as a hiss] But with new and improved Joker brand...I get a grin, again and again! That luscious tan! Those ruby lips! And hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure! I know what you're saying: 'Where can I get these fine new items?' Well, that's the gag. Chances are, you've bought 'em already! So remember, put on a happy face!

The Joker/Jack Napier:
[addressing Gothamites] And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? He's at home, washin' his tights! [he and the crowds laugh; looks up into the sky and sees the Batwing] Winged bat flies through the night and finds me ready. [to Bob the Goon] Bob, Mask. [to crowd in the street as the other goons prepare their own gas masks and he brings out a radio transmitter] And now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said, If you've gotta go, go with a smile!