Batman Returns

Selina Kyle:
Wow, THE Batman - or is it just "Batman"? It's your choice, of course!

The Penguin:
My dear penguins, we stand upon a great threshold! It's alright to be scared; most of you won't be coming back. But, thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish ALL of God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd AND 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY HIGH! FORWARD MARCH! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!

The Penguin:
Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.

The Penguin:
It's true I was their number one son... but they treated me like number two!

Catwoman:
Meow.

The Penguin:
No! It's a lot!

The Penguin:
But when it comes down to it, who is holding the umbrella?

Catwoman:
I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.

The Penguin:
I believe the word you are looking for is "Aaahh"!

Catwoman:
Honey, I'm home. Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.

The Penguin:
You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask.

The Penguin:
I am NOT a human being, I am an animal!

Batman:
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

Catwoman:
A kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.

Selina Kyle:
A kiss under the mistle toe... a mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

Bruce Wayne:
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.

Catwoman:
I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much... yummier.

Batman:
Eat floor.

Batman:
High fiber.

The Penguin:
You got to admit I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell.

The Penguin:
You got to admit I've plagued this stinking city like a hawk from hell.

Batman:
You're not the mayor.

The Penguin:
Things change.

Batman:
What do you want?

The Penguin:
Ah, the direct approach. I admire that from a man with a mask.

The Penguin:
You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Batman:
Things change.

Charles 'Chip' Shreck:
Dad, you buy that blear business?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Women. Nothing surprises me Chip, except your late mother. Who'da thought Selina had a brain to damage. Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry.

Selina Kyle:
How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?

Selina Kyle:
It's the so-called "normal" guys that always let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.

The Penguin:
They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' them out on a slab!

Bruce Wayne:
Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.

The Penguin:
Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!

Selina Kyle:
Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me...

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Actually, it's a lot like that.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Let me guess... trust fund goody-goody?

Catwoman:
You're over-paid, hit the road.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
And Bruce, why are you dressed up like Batman?

Catwoman:
Because he *is* Batman, you moron!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Was.

The Penguin:
You don't really think you'll win... do you?

Catwoman:
How could you? I'm a woman.

Batman:
I'm sorry, I...

Catwoman:
As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a b*tch, now so am I.

Ice Princess:
The tree lights up, I press the button... No wait, I press the button and...

Volunteer Bimbo:
You're the coolest role-model a young person could have!

The Penguin:
And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.

The Penguin:
Ah, sh*t, I grabbed a cute one.

The Penguin:
The heat is getting to me, I'll kill you momentarily.

Catwoman:
You're the second man who killed me this week. But I've got seven lives left.

Selina Kyle:
Oh god... does this mean we have to start fighting now?

Batman:
That's funny.

Batman:
Alright, NOW I'm a little worried.

The Penguin:
You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!

The Penguin:
Check it out. We're going to disassemble the Batmobile - turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.

Catwoman:
No, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we have to turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

Bruce Wayne:
Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working; I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."

The Penguin:
Burn baby, burn!

Catwoman:
Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?

The Penguin:
Those names aren't for prying eyes. Say, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just some screwed-up sorority chick who's trying to get back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.

Catwoman:
Batman napalmed my arm, and knocked me off a building just when i was starting to feel good about myself. I want to play an integral part in his degradation.

The Penguin:
A plan is forming.

Catwoman:
I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. I think I'll give myself a bath right here.

Batman:
We'll see.

Selina Kyle:
It's gonna be a hot time in a cold town tonight.

Bruce Wayne:
You've got sort of a dark side, don't you?

Selina Kyle:
No darker than yours, Bruce.

Catwoman:
You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. Your the sencond man who killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.

Batman:
I tried to save you.

Catwoman:
Mmm seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe it's time for you to retire.

Catwoman:
We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.

The Penguin:
Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me... naked sexual charisma.

Catwoman:
Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.

The Penguin:
Ointment! Scented or unscented?

Bruce Wayne:
The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's demeaning.

Bruce Wayne:
Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?

Bruce Wayne:
I guess we're about to find out. Of course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so...

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Crime boss? Shows what you know, mister... to the man born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies in prep school!

The Penguin:
By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
Fred? I believe he's... on extended vacation. He's good.

The Penguin:
Good?

The Penguin:
Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.

Catwoman:
Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

The Penguin:
Bats with wings do your thing.

Selina Kyle:
You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... That's seven lives left. You got enough to finish me off?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck:
There's only one way to find out.

Selina Kyle:
Four... Five... Still alive!

Selina Kyle:
Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...

Selina Kyle:
I think I'm going to save one for next Christmas... In the mean time, how 'bout a kiss Santy Clause...

The Penguin:
Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.

[One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]

Penguin:
Ah, what have we here?... [takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out that dissolves a slab of stone] A batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!

Max:
[slightly nervous] That could've come from anywhere.

Penguin:
What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?

Max:
If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.

Penguin:
[grins] Good idea... [shows shredded papers stuck back together] But a lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?

Max:
[rattled] Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's, uh, he's good.

Penguin:
[chuckles sinisterly] "Good"... [pulls out a severed hand, goes into scary voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA GREET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.

Max:
[reconsiders] You know what, Mr... Penguin... Sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.

Penguin:
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck. [shakes Max's hand with Fred's severed one and leaves Max holding it]

[After escaping from a botched rally, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]

Penguin:
My babies... did you miss me?

Red Triangle Thin Clown:
Great speech, Oswald!

Penguin:
[punches him aside with his umbrella] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!! CRANK THE AC!!! WHERE ARE MY LISTS?! BRING ME THE NAMES!!! [a henchman passes him some papers, which he gives to everyone] Ah! It's time... These are the names of the firstborn sons of Gotham City, just like I was. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them: tonight, while their parents party, they'll be dreaming away in their safe cribs, their soft beds. And WE WILL SNATCH THEM, CARRY THEM INTO THE SEWER, AND TOSS THEM INTO A DEEP, DARK WATERY GRAVE...!

Red Triangle Fat Clown:
Ermm... Penguin? I mean, killing sleeping children... isn't that a little..?

Penguin:
[shoots clown with gun umbrella] No! IT'S A LOT! [Kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river]

(Bruce Wayne has come to Max Shreck's fancy-dress Christmas ball without a costume)

Max Shreck:
Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.

Bruce Wayne:
Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.

Shreck:
I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?

Wayne:
It does to me.

Shreck:
Yawn.

(Penguin has crashed Max Shreck's Christmas ball to kidnap Max's son)

Penguin:
I've personally come for Gotham's favorite son, Mr Chip Shreck! You're coming with me, you great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!!

Max:
Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead!

Penguin:
[hesitates] I don't! So no!

Max:
I'm the one you want! Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?

Penguin:
[hesitates again] Okay, you've got a point.

Catwoman:
Bruce... I would - I would love to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale. [Batman caresses the back of her head]

Catwoman:
[she claws Batman on the cheek] I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!

Max:
Selina?! Selina Kyle?! You're fired. (to Batman) And Bruce Wayne. Why are you dressed up like Batman?

Catwoman:
Because he is Batman, you moron!

Max:
[produces a gun] Was. [Shoots Batman in the chest, knocking him down]

[Batman saves Shreck from Catwoman]

Max:
You're not just saving a life, you're saving...

Batman:
Shut up. You're going to jail.

Catwoman:
Don't be na?ve! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!

Batman:
Wrong on both counts.

Catwoman:
You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!

Max:
One way to find out.[shoots Catwoman twice]

Catwoman:
Four... five... [swings whip around, then cracks it loudly] Still alive! [hit twice again; limps toward Max] Six... seven... all good girls go to heaven... [Max fires the gun again, but it is empty; laughs] Two lives left I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime... How about a kiss, Santy Claus? [electrocutes Schreck]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne:
[sadly] Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.

Naked Sexual Charisma

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot:
[to Shreck] I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from... [indicates to a broken skylight, then turns to Max] Like you. And like you, I want some respect. A recognition of my basic humanity. But most of all... I wanna find out who I am. By finding my parents, learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot:
Ah, sh*t... I picked a cute one. [hurls away the umbrella] The heat's getting to me... I'll murder you momentarily... but first, I need a cold drink of ice water... [he keels over on the edge of the bank and dies. Six emperor penguins waddle up to him and slide his body into the water]

Catwoman/Selina Kyle:
[Falls into the back of a dump truck filled with gravel.] Saved by kitty litter... [Looks at the burn mark left by Batman] Bastard.