Battlefield Earth

Terl:
[bangs his head] Crap-lousy ceiling! I thought I told to get some man-animals in here and fix it!

Terl:
You... Hungry, little fella? Want some rat? It's good!

Terl:
Stupid humans.

Terl:
It is a pleasure to see you, your excellency, and I would be honored to expedite your clearance through security.

Zete:
Please, call me Zete. Does all of Earth look like this?

Terl:
Oh, I'm afraid so, sir.

Zete:
Pathetic. All the green and the blue sky. They told me this planet was ugly, but this has got to be one of the ugliest crap holes in the entire universe.

Terl:
I couldn't agree with you more.

Zete:
I hate these puny undersized planets. The gravity is so... different.

Terl:
Well, one does get used to it.

Zete:
And the human animals, grossly undersized.

Ker:
They don't make very good eating, your excellency.

[looking at an overhead photo of a car]

Zete:
What is this species?

Terl:
Well, according to the Clinko historians, the species is called "dog."

Zete:
Dog?

Terl:
Yes.

Zete:
Obviously the superior race, having the man-animal chauffeur it around.

Terl:
Ker, I'd like you to meet Chirk.

[Ker grunts appreciatively]

Terl:
She's, um... she's, um...

Chirk:
His soon-to-be newly acquired secretary.

Terl:
Yes.

Ker:
[eagerly] Really?

Terl:
[quietly, to Ker] She's stupid enough not to be a menace, good-looking enough to be decorative; she gets drunk with economical speed...

Terl:
[normal voice] - and has other advantages.

[Chirk extends her very long tongue]

Ker:
Ooh. I can see that.

Chirk:
I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.

Terl:
Attention. This is Terl, your chief of security. Exterminate all man-animals at will, and happy hunting!

Chrissy:
Your mother gave it to me before she died.

Terl:
Do you WANT lunch?

Ker:
I don't know what you're so down about. You still get to be head of security, which, from what I can tell, is a pretty cushy job.

Terl:
Well, I can assure you that I was not groomed since birth to have some cushy job that even a moron like you could perform. While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to conquer GALAXIES! To do anything less is a disgrace to my entire family line.

Zete:
Home office is well aware of your academic achievements and obvious talents. That's why we decided not to keep you here for another 5 cycles.

[Terl laughs in relief]

Ker:
[joining in the laughter] It's a joke!

Terl:
Oh, thank you sir. I don't know if I could have kept my sanity to be here another 5 cycles.

Zete:
We've decided to keep you here for another 50 cycles! With endless options for renewal!

[echoing as the camera zooms in on Terl]

Zete:
With endless options for renewal! With endless options for renewal!

[Zete laughs maniacally. Sound fades out, slow motion as Terl looks at Zete and the Planetship and his assistant laughing and sneering at him]

Zete:
[echo effect] Those options, of course...

[echo ends]

Zete:
Those options, of course, being at home office's discretion, not yours. The senator... has a lot of friends.

[echo]

Zete:
Has a lot of friends.

Parson Staffer:
All it would take is for one of the demons to follow you back from the forbidden land and we'd all be struck down.

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler:
Have you ever seen one? Have you? Has anyone here ever seen one?

[starts jumping around and tossing up handfuls of dust]

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler:
A demon? A monster? A BEAST? YAH!

Chrissy:
What if he's not dead?

Parson Staffer:
Hope is an admirable quality, but foolish isn't.

Terl:
Who is responsible for allowing this man-animal to run around unsupervised?

Psychlo:
The man-animal shot the wrangler, sir.

Terl:
I'm a little pressed for time, why don't you save the going-away jokes for later!

Psychlo:
No joke, sir, I swear. The man-animal somehow got a hold of his gun.

Terl:
Really? Show me.

[he takes the gun and hands it to Jonnie]

Terl:
Reach for the gun.

Psychlo:
But sir, I might get shot.

Terl:
Sure, you might. And I might suddenly grew a third arm!

Psychlo:
But sir, I swear it shot the wrangler!

Terl:
Any report filed today still has my name on it and you are out of your skull bone if you think that I am going to write on the report "shot by man-animal" as the cause of the death unless I see it!

[Ker has made a recording of Terl discussing how he's going to keep the gold a secret from his superiors]

Ker:
I've been thinking, 80/20 is a pretty fair distribution of the gold. But I should get the 80 percent. And with my share, I'm going to fire all my wives and buy new ones. Maybe pretty ones this time. Kerbango?

Terl:
Congratulations. You've finally learned how to get proper leverage over someone, haven't you?

Ker:
Uh-huh.

Terl:
Which means I haven't wasted my time trying to train you, have I?

Ker:
You're not upset?

Terl:
Oh, don't be crazy! Do you know how long I've waited for this day? And I know just the perfect way to celebrate.

[he pulls out his gun]

Ker:
[laughing] What are you doing? You can't shoot me. I made a copy, and gave it to someone for safekeeping. You are just too good of a teacher.

Terl:
How about giving your old teacher a clue as to who this might be?

Ker:
You insult yourself, sir. You know you taught me better than that.

Terl:
Well, how the hell am I supposed to know who it is?

Ker:
[laughing] I don't know.

Terl:
I mean, it could be anybody on this damn planet. It could be a mechanic...

Ker:
No.

Terl:
It could be a concubine...

Ker:
No, no, no, no!

Terl:
It could be anybody in the communications office.

Ker:
Wrong!

Terl:
I hate these things, I feel like... like it's a test that I'm not prepared for! Well, hell, it could even be...

[he pulls out a severed head]

Terl:
Our friendly bartender!

[he points his gun at Ker]

Ker:
Please. I made a mistake.

[Terl blows one of Ker's hands off]

Terl:
[Speaks Psychlo, Translated to English] Do you under... understand? Understand me?

[repeated line]

Carlo:
Piece of cake!

Bartender:
When the best security chief this planet ever had is leaving, the least I can do is buy him a pan of Kerbango on the house. Of course, I'm sure our little argeement is still in effect. Now that you're leaving, that unfortunate little incident won't somehow magically appear in my file.

Terl:
Of course not. I'm a Psychlo of my word.

Bartender:
Because I've always told you everything I've overheard in here.

Terl:
Yeah, and your information has often proved to be quite useful.

Bartender:
We know how they overreact back in home planets. I don't know what I'd do if they found out.

Terl:
Well, you'd better start figuring it out!

Bartender:
You just said it won't appear in my file.

Terl:
I said it won't *magically* appear. There'll be nothing magical about it. I'm going to put it there.

Bartender:
How about you being a Psychlo of your word?

Terl:
I am a Psychlo of my word, and I will honor our agreement to the letter. As long as you were providing me with useful information, I wouldn't file the report. But now that I'm leaving this pitiful excuse for a planet, you will no longer be providing me with useful information, will you?

Bartender:
I'm begging you, my son just got accepted into the academy, first one ever in my family. You know how much it costs. Please, as a friend, couldn't you forget to file the report?

Terl:
Well... as a friend I could forget to file the report. But unfortunately... I'm not your friend! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Terl:
Would you please tell the senator that if I had even an inkling that that was his daughter...

Zete:
Watch your tongue! The senator's exact words to me were, and I'm quoting; that blasted Terl tries to talk his way out of it, have him vaporized on the spot. But cheer up, there's one bright side to this. One day you're going to die, and when you end up in Hell, at least it'll be a step up from this place.

[he laughs maniacally]

Terl:
You have been quite a challenge, rat-brain, and you're going to make a hell of a conversation piece when you're stuffed and hanging on the wall at the academy!

Zete:
Once we've finished mining out this miserable little planet, let's do the universe a favor, let's exterminate the lot of them!

Terl:
[chortles sycophantically] Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Oh, you're too much!

Zete:
So they tell me.

Terl:
I've wasted my time, haven't I?

Ker:
Sir?

Terl:
If you're going to lie to me, at least have the decency to do a credible job so I don't look like a complete idiot for having tried to trained you!

Terl:
You are pathetic. You wouldn't last one day at the academy!

Ker:
You said we use picto-cameras to spy on other offices but under no circumstance do we spy on our own office.

Terl:
That's right, *we* don't, *I* do!

Ker:
The photo is from last week's recon drone. It shows a rock slide in the mountains, it exposed a gold vein.

Terl:
And you were waiting for me to be transferred so you could turn it in and get all the credit for yourself.

Ker:
I didn't think you'd mind.

Terl:
I don't mind. Turn it in. But before you do, pretend that you're not a complete imbecile and check the compo-gradients.

[Ker inserts the photographic tablet into a computer]

Ker:
The mountain's full of uranium. No Psychlo could get there without his breath gas exploding. There's no way to mine the gold.

[Terl starts beating Ker with a metal rod]

Terl:
But what I do mind is that you betrayed me over a lousy recon photo!

Ker:
But it's worthless, you said so yourself!

Terl:
But you didn't know it was worthless!

Terl:
If the worker revolt takes place, my informants tell me that the first order of business is to separate you from your head.

Ker:
But we have to pay the new workers.

Assistant Planetship:
Maybe you were absent the day they taught economics at the academy, Ker, but nobody works for free.

Terl:
Man-animals do. What if we were to train them how to mine?

[the Planetship and his assistant laugh]

Planetship:
Man-animals operating machinery? Have you blown a head gasket? I will be the laughing stock of the universe!

Terl:
A man-animal getting leverage over a Psychlo? That'll be the day!

Terl:
Never underestimate what a little leverage can do, rat-brain.

Terl:
Why don't you vaporize me?

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler:
Leverage.

Robert the Fox:
[in the Harrier jump jet flight simulator] You're right, it's like breaking a horse.

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler:
I need you to teach your men how to fly this in seven days.

Robert the Fox:
Piece of cake! Piece of cake!

Carlo:
Piece of cake!

Chirk:
So you'll keep your side of the bargain?

Terl:
Which was?

Chirk:
You said we were going to have a huge house when we go back to Psychlo next year. We're going to be rich, right?

Terl:
Right.

Chirk:
Just remember I could always inform Planetship of your little scheme.

Terl:
[laughs] Leverage? A female getting leverage? Ha!

Terl:
You will soon be relocated to a new mining site, and if any of you get any bright ideas about escaping, just keep in mind that although you know nothing about firearms, I certainly do. I graduated top marksman in my class and I can kill any one of you at over a thousand paces.

[to Jonnie, who is the only human who understands the Psychlo language]

Terl:
Tell them what I've said.

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler:
[to the other humans] We try to run, he'll kill us.

Terl:
That's it?