Battleship

Admiral Shane:
Put the force at weapons posture one, warning red, weapons tight. I want everything loaded.

[from trailer]

Alex Hopper:
Where do we find him?

Crew Member:
Just fished him right out of the water.

Sam:
You ready for this?

Alex Hopper:
I'm going to walk up to him. Look at him right in the eyes.

Sam:
What are you going to say?

Alex Hopper:
Your daughter is the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life.It would be an honor to have your permission to marry her.

[as the alien ship prepares to fire on them]

Alex Hopper:
We only have one round left?

Captain Yugi Nagata:
Yeah.

Alex Hopper:
It was an honor serving with you, Captain.

Captain Yugi Nagata:
The honor was mine.

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
[aiming a cannon at the alien soldier] Mahalo, motherf...

[BOOM!]

Cal Zapata:
[hyperventilating] I told them that something like this would happen, that if something did find us, it would be like Columbus and the Indians, or the Incas and the Conquistadors, and they said, "Oh, no, they'll be sweet..."

[first lines]

Title Card:
In 2005, scientists discovered a distant planet believed to have a climate nearly identical to Earth.

Title Card:
In 2006, NASA built a transmission device five times more powerful than any before it, and a program to contact the planet began.

Title Card:
It was known as The Beacon Project.

Convenience Store Owner:
It's too late to eat a burrito. Too much complex carbs.

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Is this a super secret surprise Navy exercise? Cuz if so, they've gone way to far.

Alex Hopper:
You men have given so much to your country, and no one has the right to ask any more of you... but I'm asking.

Old Salt:
What do you need, son?

Alex Hopper:
I need to borrow your boat.

Old Salt WO:
[as Raikes enters the Missouri's fire control center] Been working on a destroyer, haven't you?

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
Yes, sir.

Old Salt WO:
Are you ready to play with the big boys?

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
Oh yes, sir.

Old Salt WO:
Come on, we need the help.

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
Awesome!

Old Salt Navigator:
Sir, are we really firing on Oahu?

Old Salt:
Sure looks that way.

Old Salt Navigator:
Holy sh*t!

[as the Missouri prepares to fire on Oahu]

Old Salt Navigator:
Oh brother, somebody gonna kiss the donkey!

[after the Missouri is rocked by an impact]

Chief Petty Officer Walter 'The Beast' Lynch:
You all right?

Old Salt:
They ain't gonna sink this battleship, no way!

Secretary of Defense:
[from the Pentagon] Just scramble the jets, Admiral! We need to get in there-!

Admiral Shane:
I'm far more aware than you of the need to get inside! But wasting lives will not help! You want me to send up another plane? I'll do it the second you get up here and put your ass in the co-pilot's seat, *sir*!

[slams phone down]

[overlooking the alien camp]

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales:
You ready?

Cal Zapata:
I'm sorry, but there is no way that I am going down there. I do not possess that kind of courage.

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales:
Right now, you're going to acquire that courage, or else I'm going to break my steel leg off in your ass. You feel me?

Cal Zapata:
I feel you.

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales:
Go. Now.

Cal Zapata:
[gets up] Acquiring courage... acquiring courage...

[while Sam is trapped in the car, an alien soldier approaches]

Sam:
Mick...?

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales:
I got this.

[as the Missouri's guns swing to bear on the alien ship]

Old Salt:
Let's drop some lead on those motherf...

Alex Hopper:
FIRE!

[after Hopper's tactic destroys the alien ship]

Captain Yugi Nagata:
I can't believe that worked!

Alex Hopper:
Yeah, Art of War, "fight the enemy where they aren't." After all these years, that finally just clicked.

Captain Yugi Nagata:
But that's not what it means.

Alex Hopper:
...Really?

Captain Yugi Nagata:
Not even close.

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
My dad said they'd come. He said it his whole life. He said we ain't alone. He said one day, either we'd find them, or they'd find us. Know what else he said? He said, "I hope I ain't around when that day comes."

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Sir, if I could just have a minute of your time?

[He holds up his cell phone, displaying a picture of... ]

Alex Hopper:
Why am I staring at a lizard?

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Because this is my pet lizard, sir, Penelope the Third. And they have the exact same eyes...

Alex Hopper:
You've got fifteen seconds, go.

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
[referring to the aliens] I tried the helmet on, and the helmet is basically extreme sunglasses, along with some hydration and some oxygen saturation, and some other stuff that I don't understand, but we took Penelope to the beach one time, which was a terrible idea. She went absolutely nuts, because she can't handle the sunlight! And I don't think they can handle it either, sir.

[silence]

Alex Hopper:
You try anything else on?

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Negative, sir. Just the helmet.

[Hopper and Nagata prepare their rifles]

Alex Hopper:
Where'd you learn to shoot?

Captain Yugi Nagata:
I'm not sure how you say it in English... natsu campu... summa camp.

Alex Hopper:
Summer camp?

Captain Yugi Nagata:
Champion, when I was twelve.

Alex Hopper:
Are you kidding me?

Captain Yugi Nagata:
We're going to die!

Alex Hopper:
We are going to die. You're going to die, I'm going to die, we're all going to die... just not today.

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales:
I've never seen an alien.

Alex Hopper:
You give me five minutes, and I will get you your chicken burrito.

Sam:
Five minutes... starting now.

Alex Hopper:
[Swigs beer and burps] Chicken burrito time, I'm out!

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
We've ended up in a department run by some kind of Donald Trump-Mike Tyson mutant combo.

Alex Hopper:
What was that, Petty Officer Raikes?

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
Nothing, sir.

Alex Hopper:
I swear you said Donald Trump. Wanna clarify? I think I heard a "Mike Tyson" as well.

Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes:
If you did, it was only in reference to the fact that you both project great physical intensity, sir.

Alex Hopper:
That's flattering.

Admiral Shane:
[to Alex] Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for lunch. Think I'll have a chicken burrito.

Alex Hopper:
You know that girl? The burrito girl?

Chief Engineer Hiroki:
Your mother named you Beast?

Chief Petty Officer Walter 'The Beast' Lynch:
Don't worry about my mother.

Chief Petty Officer Walter 'The Beast' Lynch:
[as the Myoko is sinking] Sir, there are sailors in the water.

Alex Hopper:
Get the guns online or we're gonna ram this thing!

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Sir, the Myoko is sinking! Sir, please!

Alex Hopper:
Set the course to 3-1-0!

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Please, sir!

Alex Hopper:
3-1-0!

Chief Petty Officer Walter 'The Beast' Lynch:
[grabs Hopper, shouting] There are sailors in the water, sir!

[tense silence]

Alex Hopper:
...Hard a starboard.

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
Hard a starboard, aye, sir!

[the John Paul Jones turns away from the alien ship]

Alex Hopper:
Get them out of the water.

Chief Petty Officer Walter 'The Beast' Lynch:
Yes, sir.

[watching the aliens at the satellite array]

Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales:
The most critical part of any military operation: establish communications, reinforcements, follow-on forces.

Cal Zapata:
You're saying E.T. wants to phone home? That would be incredibly, incredibly bad.

Commander Stone Hopper:
[Alex Hopper is kicked in the face in a soccer match and is awarded a penalty kick] You alright?

Alex Hopper:
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, I don't need your help.

Commander Stone Hopper:
Bronson's gonna take it. [Calls Bronson] Bronson!

Alex Hopper:
What do you mean Bronson? No, negative.

Commander Stone Hopper:
Bronson, you're gonna take this.

Alex Hopper:
Bronson, don't move.

Commander Stone Hopper:
Bonson, come here.

Alex Hopper:
[Yelling] Bronson, you move one more step you're dead. Do you wanna die today? Do you wanna die? [Bronson walks back] Good choice, good choice!

Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord:
He's definitely concussed.

Commander Stone Hopper:
You just threatened one of my sailors!

Admiral Shane:
[Reprimends Alex Hopper] What is wrong with you? You've got skills, but I have never, EVER seen a man waste them like you. Keep the ship out of the surf and spray...

Alex Hopper:
[interrupts Admiral Shane]... or you'll plunge to destruction. Homer, Sir.

Admiral Shane:
The fact that you know that infuriates me beyond words. What my daughter sees in you is a great mystery to me. You're a very smart individual, with very weak character, leadership and decision-making skills. Do you have anything to say to me, ANYTHING?

Alex Hopper:
Negative, Sir.

Admiral Shane:
Enjoy these naval exercises, Hopper. They're likely to be your last. Dismissed!