Behind the Bike Sheds

Jenny:
Why are you crying? [reaches out to touch her cheek]

Gertrude:
Oh, leave me alone.

Skids:
Suit yourself. [Jenny & Skids turns to leave]

Gertrude:
Don't leave me alone! I'm so unhappy. If only I had my time over again...

Skids:
You'd be over twenty. [giggles]

Jenny:
Look Gertrude, we've all got our problems. I mean, I never even knew who my father was.

Gertrude:
[gasps] You mean he ran off and left your mother?

Jenny:
No, he was just kinda secretive.

Chas:
Talking about animals, what do you call a scruffy cat that's just ate a duck?

AWOL:
Pal, sunshine, you've got me. What?

Chas:
A duckfilled tatty puss.

AWOL:
I bet you don't know what's got four legs and flies.

Chas:
Two...

AWOL:
[interrupting] Apart from two pairs of trousers.

Chas:
Apart from two pairs of trousers? No, what?

Joe Winter:
[fiddling with his keyes] Humble pardons, lovely ladies, which way to the head monstress, up those stairs huh? [Jenny & Skids nod] She's a bit of a dragon I understand, Into terror and destruction, likes to frighten, to rend and tear at young minds, to dominate, yeah?

Jenny, Skids:
Yes sir... [Skids drops her hankerchief]

Jenny:
[silently] Skids!

Joe Winter:
[picks up the kerchief] Hey, you're utterly devoted servant, madam. And hey, drop the sir stuff, ok? Just call me Joe.

Chas:
Oi, what has got four legs and flies?

AWOL:
A dead pig, me old son. A Mega-pig.

Headmistress:
[cut to Megapig biting the head off a jellybaby] That's not even funny.

Adam:
Whistle Willie is gone and has taken his shorts and whistle with him. And his new replacement, Mr. Call Me Joe Winter is ace. This is his new bike. Great, innit? It's got about 74 gears. His last one got nicked 'cause he trusts kids. Alright, nobody's perfect. The good news is: I've been put in charge of the new one. And I've been promised a cut when Chas & AWOL lift it.

Trolly Molly:
Come on, Luvvie, you'll make my pinnies soggy.

Gertrude:
Oh Molly, I'm so utterly unhappy.

Trolly Molly:
Well I can see that, can't I? You've got so many tear related things coursing down your cheeks you look like the Nigeria falls.

Headmistress:
[about Call me Joe] He seemed entirely suitable when I first interviewed him. Now, according to my secretary he has changed. Apparently, he is affecting trendy gear.

Trolly Molly:
Like a dog's breakfast when I saw him. [turns to camera] Fit as a ferret. [sucks in her breath]

AWOL:
All this trouble over the girl who put the snot in Snooty.

Adam:
What is brown and sounds like a bell?

AWOL:
Dung!

Chas:
Which is what your in, mate!

Headmistress:
[using the intercom to adress her students] Stop that, whatever it is. and listen. Due to staffing problems, there will be five hours of silent reading today. As no teachers are available, one has been forced, reluctantly, to arm the school secretary. [sing-song voice] Tread softly, little ones, she has her orders. [laughs maniacally as she sound of a machine gun rings from outside]

Trolly Molly:
I'm gonna give that woman a piece of my opinion!

Trolly Molly:
But I always done right by you. I gave you a cupper when you was down.

Headmistress:
[sarcastic laughter] Ohohoho Blackmail is it? Because I was unwise enough to drink one of your vile fluids in a moment of stress, am I now to be made the stalking horse of your unnational passions?

Trolly Molly:
But Miss, I'm desperate. Me and Mr. Winter had an understanding. I'm in lurve!

Headmistress:
Love! How dare you utter that disgusting four letter word within these walls? Metric, cover up your ears.

Headmistress:
[referring to a plate full of Jellybabies] Oh do you eat babies? Dig in.

Trolly Molly:
Guinea pig poo! There's only one thing in the whole wide world would make me help you and I know you won't agree to it: give Willy and Joe their jobs back.

Headmistress:
Yes.

Trolly Molly:
There, you see, I knew you wouldn- [startled] Yes?

Headmistress:
Yes, I won't agree to it.

Headmistress:
One is angry. One is very angry. One is very, very, very angry indeed. Do you both know why you're here?

AWOL:
[Chas alerts AWOL, who is busy scratching himself] Oh, eh, could it be that you be angry, miss?

Headmistress:
Yes of course, you cheek haystack. And stop scratching yourself.

AWOL:
But Chas doesn't know where the itch is.

AWOL:
[shouting] Silence!

Trolly Molly:
Oh, you all look as miserable as a bunch of clockwork grapefruit. What's the trouble?

Whistle Willie:
[reciting an epitaph] Joy was always full of joy, joyful, never grave. Now the grave is full of Joy. Joy full is the grave.

Gertrude:
What have you written so far?

GBH:
Here lies Jack Sprout. Over and out.

Gertrude:
Oh GBH, that's poetry!

AWOL:
Right, come on. Song over.

GBH:
Check.

AWOL:
Dance over.

GBH:
Check.

Chas:
Credits over.

GBH:
Checkeroonie.

Chas:
Right, yellow and smells a bit like bananas. AWOL, tell him.

AWOL:
Monkey sick.

Chas:
Wicked!

Adam:
Welcome! [blows Willie's whistle] Welcome to the last episode of Behind the Bike Sheds. The show brought to you exclusively from in front of the bike sheds.

Headmistress:
Ah, Mr. Winter. Something appears to have come unhinged.

Joe Winter:
Well it's not me, Miss Bigge. I have become just the opposite.

Headmistress:
Hinged, Mr. Winter?

Joe Winter:
Sane, Miss Bigge and seeking reprisals, Miss Bigge. Justice. I demand my rights.

Headmistress:
You're rights, Mr Winter? [bursts out laughing] One does like a little joke.

Headmistress:
[Addressing the students through intercom] Any pupil found working from now on will be severely punished.

Jenny, Skids, Adam, Paul, Tracy:
[all turn to camera] Gasp of amasement!

Headmistress:
Pause for stunned reaction. Head continues with trilling laughter [and she does]

Police Constabule:
All right, me son, just take your time and tell me all about it, eh? No one's gonna hurt you.

GBH:
The brass as I gotta copy is as I throw. Well these two teapots, Chas and AWOL, well they got the grease Jenny and they're Joes. That Joe's boneshaker is an easy' alf-cheek, check? Then along comes this Norfdoctor...

Joe Winter:
[interrupting] Look, you speak English or...

Headmistress:
Mr. Winter!

Police Constabule:
[still taking notes] Norfdoctor, carry on.

GBH:
Check. Along he comes, and me and my YL joins the currant. He blags the Peter, while me and the merry puts the arm on the Gods to make a quick few sausepans, check?

Police Constabule:
[reading his notes from GBH's statement] Two crooks, called Chas and AWOL kept stolen goods in the boilerhouse, purloined Mr. Winter's bycycles, and harboured an escaped dentist who robbed the school safe while you and your girlfriend extrorted money with menaces from the other school children. Is that correct?

GBH:
Big ten four, Smartbear. Triffic.

Police Constabule:
I'm going now, Miss Bigge for an officer of higher rank. This is too big for a mere constable. Good day. [leaves]

Headmistress:
[slaps GBH's hand as he reaches for some Jellybabies] Would you credit it? I'm ruined!

Trolly Molly:
Mr Jonesey, I think I've just had a flash of perspiration.