Bellman and True

[Telling The Boy the story of "The Continuing Saga of Sod's Law - You Just Can't Win", an idealised but thinly-disguised version of his own life with his wife, "The Princess", who has now left him for a new lover, the owner of the Rover 2000S]

The Boy:
The Princess? Was she there?

Hiller:
Yeah.

The Boy:
The Princess who smoked French cigarettes and was beautiful when she wasn't looking.

Hiller:
We only had one rule. We didn't let anyone in who had a Rover 2000S. 2000 Smegma.

The Boy:
Why?

Hiller:
[bitterly] Because people with Rover 2000 Smegmas live in four-bedroom fake Georgian houses. They marry St Bernard dogs called Darling. And they have nasty little kids in green jumpsuits who come in through the window on a wire and say "Gosh!" and all that sort of thing.

The Boy:
But someone like that, we'd never have let them in. The Princess wouldn't have liked them at all.

Hiller:
No she wouldn't.

[the bank robbers keep deliberately triggering the alarm. Each time, the security guards come out to investigate. By the fourth time, they are very pissed-off]

Young Security Guard:
I think they've got this alarm set up all wrong - it only warns you if the place is empty!

Security Sergeant:
[on radio] Control? Mobile Alpha Charlie. It's official - it's a f***-up.

[the security sergeant is giving instructions to the young security guard who is watching a bank of CCTV monitors]

Security Sergeant:
That's down in the vaults that leads to the strongroom. Your job is to sit here and watch.

Young Security Guard:
There's nothing to watch.

Security Sergeant:
That's exactly how it should be. So if you see anything out of the ordinary, like people moving about, you come and tell me. All right?

Young Security Guard:
All right, Sarge.

Security Sergeant:
[sarcastically] You should pay particular attention to anyone wearing little black masks over their eyes and with sacks marked "Swag"!

[the Wheelman is driving the getaway car after the robbery and hears on the police radio that the police are getting very close]

The Wheelman:
I used to live round here. Hold tight.

[he swerves onto a farm track, through some greenhouses and heads towards a fence]

Guv'nor:
[shouts] That's a bloody fence! Christ! Where are you going? You stupid... Where are we going now?

The Wheelman:
[calmly] We can cut through round here, back onto the estate.

Donkey:
[shouts] There's no road. Where is it? There's no road!

[the Wheelman sees two garages with a narrow gap between them]

The Wheelman:
Sh*t! These weren't here last year.

Donkey:
[ironically] No? Well they're here now!

[the Wheelman tries to get through the gap, but the car jams, so he reverses and tries again, repeatedly]

Guv'nor:
[shouts] Where are you going, Richie?

The Wheelman:
Trying to get us out of here.

Guv'nor:
[shouts] It won't work!

The Peterman:
Can we get out!

The Wheelman:
That's what I'm trying to do.

The Peterman:
No, get out and walk.

Donkey:
Look, you don't understand the basic laws of physics. The hole is too small.

[after many attempts, the Wheelman manages to get the car through the gap]

Guv'nor:
Have you *any* idea where you're going?

[after narrowly escaping being crushed by an oncoming lorry as they overtake a coach, they arrive at some waste ground where they dump the car]

The Wheelman:
[apologetically] Sorry about the last bit, Guv. Bit untoward.

Guv'nor:
Don't worry, Richie. Anyone else would still be modifying greenhouses. Be lucky, son.