Ben & Arthur

Arthur Sailes:
If we ever get into a war, and they draft my ass, first thing I am going to tell them is "If I am not good enough to get married in this country, then I sure as hell ain't dying for it!".

Ben Sheets:
Tammy - I'm gay! I've already told you that!

Tammy Sheets:
Ben - I'll be gay too, and then that'll make it all right for us to get married again, huh?

Ben Sheets:
You are not making any sense!

Tammy Sheets:
Hey! I don't make sense? You don't make sense! I make sense, that's who makes sense!

Father Rabin:
The congregation is concerned that your brother's homosexuality may rub off on their children and send their souls straight to hell.

Victor Sailes:
But Father, my brother has not been to church in ten years. What does it have to do with me?

Father Rabin:
It has to do with the fact that the members of the congregation don't want the brother of a gay man in here! They're afraid that you may hold some sort of karma or deep seated evil energy and - and - well, quite frankly, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop offering your services to this church.

Victor Sailes:
How -how dare you! I- I've given over $10,000 to this church! It's just as much a part of my heart as it is for yours, Father.

Father Rabin:
No. You gave that money freely, out of good Christian love. You cannot buy your way into heaven, and you can't buy yourself a place in this church! Victor, your brother is a demon - and we do not want the relative of a man who defies and desecrates God's holy word here! Now leave here at once!

Victor Sailes:
My brother is a homosexual. He's gonna be marrying a man. I need to find out what his next move is, and I need to stop this insanity.

Priest:
May I have the rings?

Ben Sheets:
[Both Ben and Arthur feel inside their coat pockets] I don't have the rings. Do you have the rings?

Arthur Sailes:
No, no. No, I don't have the rings.

Priest:
May I please have the rings?

Arthur Sailes:
Ah, geee...

Ben Sheets:
I don't have, I don't have a ring. Can we do this without a ring?

Stan:
So Arthur, when do you plan to have kids?

Victor Sailes:
I'm sure... as soon as Arthur gets a beautiful wife and children, that's when he'll have a nice family. Isn't that correct, Arthur?

Victor Sailes:
The potion didn't work... Can you believe it?

Arthur Sailes:
Victor! What are you doing here? I didn't invite you in. What do you want?

Victor Sailes:
I - I'm here to save your soul.

Arthur Sailes:
My soul is just fine.

Victor Sailes:
Did you know that they threw me out of the church? Huh?

Arthur Sailes:
Well, probably because you're some crazy psychotic f***.

Arthur Sailes:
Let's f***ing go to Hawaii!

Ben Sheets:
Arthur! Our bike is gone!

Arthur Sailes:
What? You locked it up, didn't you?

Ben Sheets:
I asked you to lock it up for me last time, remember?

Arthur Sailes:
Well - I thought I locked it up.

Ben Sheets:
[shouts] Damn it, Arthur! I need to know that I can count on you!

Ben Sheets:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you and blow up like that.

Arthur Sailes:
You did, Ben. You hurt me, you know that? You. Hurt me. And another thing I never told you. Do you remember the day we went to that restaurant to celebrate when you came out of the closet?

Ben Sheets:
Yeah.

Arthur Sailes:
What did you say?

Ben Sheets:
What're you talking about?

Arthur Sailes:
What did you say when I grabbed your hand and I kissed you on the cheek when we were walking out?

Ben Sheets:
I don't know.

Arthur Sailes:
You pulled your hand out of mine - you turned your head, and you said "Not here!"

Ben Sheets:
I never said that.

Arthur Sailes:
Oh, you did, Ben. You most certainly did. And my heart, my stomach - I mean, my liver, everything - it just fell right out onto the floor!

Ben Sheets:
Well, you know, if it bothered you so much, and you felt so strongly about it - why didn't you say something then?

Arthur Sailes:
And - and say what? "Why don't you come out of the closet?"

Ben Sheets:
I'm sorry. [shrugs] What am I supposed to say?

Arthur Sailes:
[scoffs] Well, you know, Ben, if I ever get killed, maybe you can take that insurance money and just go ahead and buy a hundred bikes!

Ben Sheets:
[punches Arthur in the face]

Arthur Sailes:
Ohhh... [falls]

Victor Sailes:
Look at you! What are you? A gay man! You know what? I'm never gonna have any nieces or nephews! Ever! 'Cause you know what? You're so f***ed up! You know that!

Arthur Sailes:
You... f***! How dare you talk to your brother like that. You want nieces and nephews? Well, I got news for you, buddy. You don't even know how to be a brother! What kind of uncle do you think you'd make?

Victor Sailes:
I resent that!

Arthur Sailes:
You care more about some man named Jesus, that you never even met before, than your own family!

Ben Sheets:
We're leaving.

Arthur Sailes:
We're leaving.

Ben Sheets:
Let's go.

Arthur Sailes:
Let's go.

Victor Sailes:
I'm gonna pray for you, and I'm gonna pray for you!

Arthur Sailes:
We don't need prayed for. You need prayed for.

Bar Owner:
That's great. Now let's see your penis.

[first lines]

Arthur Sailes:
Hello?

Ben Sheets:
Arthur, did you find out yet?

Arthur Sailes:
No, I didn't find out. The TV just broke, I've been down here taking a nap.

Ben Sheets:
Forget the stupid TV! Try the radio, maybe it being broadcast over the radio.

Arthur Sailes:
Okay, let me get out of bed... All right... Hey Ben, I'm losing you, I think your cellphone is dying.

Ben Sheets:
Arthur? Arthur? Arthur, my battery is low, I'm losing you.

Arthur Sailes:
Hello? Hello?

Radio:
[Arthur turns on the radio] Today's latest news: it's been a long battle here in Hawaii, the public has long awaited the final decision of the court of Hawaii and the courts have voted yes. Homosexuals DO have a right to get married. Judge Kevin Chang's ruling has made history in this country.

Tammy Sheets:
Hey, I didn't force you to f***ing marry me.

Ben Sheets:
I thought that it would change...

Tammy Sheets:
Oh shut the f*** up, I'm f***ing getting out of here! F*** you!

Arthur Sailes:
You know, I'm thinking about going back to college. I'm thinking about getting a degree in business.

Ben Sheets:
Really?

Arthur Sailes:
Yup. I'm thinking about opening up my own little porno shop.

Ben Sheets:
Well, no sh*t! [laughs] Well that's cool if that's what you want to do, it's good to have some goals.

Arthur Sailes:
You like some more?

Customer:
Yes please.

Arthur Sailes:
You okay?

Ben Sheets:
Yeah.

Arthur Sailes:
DO YOU WANT MORE?

Mildread:
Yes.

Mildread:
Aren't you gonna give me my sugar?

Arthur Sailes:
Hehehe... NO! Hahahaha!

Mildread:
You better give me my sugar or I'll tell someone your boss on you.

Arthur Sailes:
Hehehe... BYE! Hehehe!

Mildread:
I'm telling on you, I'm telling! That oughta show him.

Attorney:
According to the legal documents I have here, it states that the proposition 22 is only a marriage between a man and a woman, and that will be recognized by California. However, what you two have is not a marriage but a civil union, which nonetheless is equivalent to that of a marriage. You still bear the rights that married couples do. So, the civil union license that you have from Vermont must be recognized here in California.

Ben Sheets:
So if it's law here, why do we have to go to court?

Attorney:
Because it's all a matter of values and principles that all gays deserve the same rights as anyone else.

Arthur Sailes:
[written on a note] Ben, went to get food. Love ya!

Arthur Sailes:
What do you want?

Mildread:
There's been a break-in in the garage, and the manager asked me to tell her that...

Arthur Sailes:
Okay, thanks! [closes door]

Arthur Sailes:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you and blow up like that.

Ben Sheets:
Well you did, Ben. You hurt me, you know? You. Hurt Me.

Arthur Sailes:
My heart, my stomach, I mean, my LIVER, everything... it just fell right out onto the floor!