Benson

Katherine Olivia Gatling:
Benson, what's a broken heart?

Benson DuBois:
Oh, there's no such thing, Katie. It's just a term we use to describe one of life's little disappointment that comes close to killing you.

[Repeated line]

Gretchen:
I HEAR YOU!

Clayton Runnymede Endicott III:
I make money the old-fashioned way. I inherit it.

[Marcie is checking on the results of an election Taylor was running in]

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
So how did Taylor do?

Marcy Hill:
He lost. He came in sixth.

Benson DuBois:
How did he come in sixth? There were only five candidates.

Marcy Hill:
There was a large write-in for "None of the above".

Pete Downey:
I'll never be a hero. I had a chance once. Janine's cat was drowning in the pool and I jumped in to save it. But when I realized I had to give it mouth-to-mouth, I threw it back in.

Gretchen:
So, all we have to do is knock a hole in the wall and let the sunshine in.

Benson DuBois:
Why don't you knock a hole in your head and let some brains in.

Marcy Hill:
Clipper ship bound for Spain, all that gold and Phillipe. How romantic. I hope the ship sank.

Benson DuBois:
[after Denise tells him she's pregnant] You're gonna make a terrific mother. And Pete will make a fine... playmate for the child.

Clayton Runnymede Endicott III:
You heard it from the horse's mouth.

Benson DuBois:
And now we're hearing it from the other end.

[Benson meets Kraus for the first time]

Gretchen:
You are getting muddy footprints all over my clean floor and it is disgusting!

Benson DuBois:
Fine, I'll walk on my hands.

[Benson meets the governor for the first time]

Marcy Hill:
Governor Gatling, I'd like to introduce...

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
Introduce? Oh, this man needs no introduction. I'd know the Reverend Jesse Jackson anywhere.

[Benson is at home when the phone rings]

Benson DuBois:
[answering the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, governor. Sure, you can come over. All right, see you then. Bye.

[Benson hangs up. A few seconds later, the doorbell rings. Benson answers it to find the governor at the door]

Benson DuBois:
What'd you do? Beam over?

[Benson walks into the governor's office]

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
Benson, I must be psychic. I was just thinking of you and here you are.

Benson DuBois:
Governor, you sent for me.

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
Oh. That's probably why I was thinking of you.

Gretchen:
I'm going out and have myself a wild time.

Benson DuBois:
Don't forget your library card.

Chapman:
Mister DeBasie?

Benson DuBois:
Dubois, Senator. I think you had me confused with COUNT DeBasie.

Pete Downey:
Hi, Denise. Whatcha reading?

Denise Florence Stevens Downey:
It's a magazine article that uses the quantum theory to describe infinity.

Pete Downey:
Is it any good?

Denise Florence Stevens Downey:
Yeah, but it goes on forever.

Benson DuBois:
[Benson is firing a pain-in-the-neck staffer] It hasn't been sweet, but hallelujah, it's been short.

Gretchen:
You insult my cooking. You insult my looks. You insult the way I dress...

Benson DuBois:
Did I miss something?

[the snowplowers are on strike]

Benson DuBois:
Why don't we call out the National Guard for this?

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
We can't. I sent them to New Mexico for desert training.

Clayton Runnymede Endicott III:
Desert training? There's no desert around here!

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
I know. That's why I sent them to New Mexico.

Clayton Runnymede Endicott III:
Marcy, Marcy, Marcy... when a horse breaks its leg, you shoot it.

Marcy Hill:
I don't know anything about horses, but I know a jackass when I see one!

Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus:
[Kraus' aunt has died] The surprising thing is, she has mentioned me in her will! I don't know why; she hardly knew me.

Benson DuBois:
Maybe that's why.

Gretchen:
We give you Einstein, the Volkswagen, and still you never forget.

Benson DuBois:
[first lines; he hides behind the door from Ms. Kraus and whispers] Hi.

Marcy Hill:
[whispers back] Hi.

Benson DuBois:
I'm hiding.

Marcy Hill:
I see.

Benson DuBois:
So you're really going to take all the kids to the amusement park?

Marcy Hill:
Are you kidding? That's all they've been able to talk about!

Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling:
Marcy promised to go on the gutbuster with us!

Benson DuBois:
The gutbuster huh? Is your insurance paid up?

Marcy Hill:
What does that mean?

Benson DuBois:
I got to admire you Marcy. I rode it. Once. I broke into a cold sweat, my knees were shaking, I couldn't catch my breath and that's while I was still standing in line. [Katie laughs]

Marcy Hill:
What's so funny? I don't find that funny!

Benson DuBois:
Yeah right. Let's not talk about it.

Marcy Hill:
That's fine with me.

Benson DuBois:
Actually the beginning of the ride isn't bad, it's very slow.

Marcy Hill:
Well that's nice.

Benson DuBois:
That's because you're climbing straight up, you know, it goes up & up & up and then you get to the top and it starts down. Boy there you are staring dead into eternity, you mouth is wide open, and you can't scream because your heart is in your mouth, and of course you hope you but then unfortunately you don't die.

Marcy Hill:
I don't want to hear anymore!

Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling:
But he hasn't gotten to the best part yet!

Marcy Hill:
I don't care! I'm not going up on that thing.

Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling:
You said you would!

Marcy Hill:
I lied!

Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus:
What's the matter Marcy? Chicken?

Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling:
She's not chicken! Are you Marcy?

Marcy Hill:
We'll talk about it in the car.

Katherine 'Katie' Olivia Gatling:
Bye everybody!

Marcy Hill:
We'll see you Monday.

Benson DuBois:
Happy landings Marcy!

Marcy Hill:
Oh you're cute! Very cute!

Loromo:
Governor, I think we have a security breech. One of my security guards reported seeing a man running across the front lawn. When he went to investiagte, he found an open window.

Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling:
A window? Well, I hope somebody's looking into it.