Bernard and Doris

Bernard Lafferty:
Good evening, Miss Duke. Ma'am.

Doris Duke:
Who the hell are you?

Bernard Lafferty:
I'm here about the job, dear. From the agency. These are my references.

Doris Duke:
Get me a sherry.

Bernard Lafferty:
Yes, ma'am.

Doris Duke:
What do you want from me? From me.

Bernard Lafferty:
Miss Duke?

Doris Duke:
What do you want? I mean, you don't f*** me, do you?

Bernard Lafferty:
No, I don't.

Doris Duke:
You don't steal from me. Do you steal from me?

Bernard Lafferty:
No, I don't.

Doris Duke:
Well then what do you want from me?

Bernard Lafferty:
I just want to take care of you.

Waldo Taft:
Vice President Bush wants to honor you at his next fundraiser. I think you should consider it.

Doris Duke:
Oh, that's sweet. Just tell him my dance card is full, thanks.

[first lines]

Doris Duke:
Ugh! What is this?

First Butler:
Cantaloupe, ma'am.

Doris Duke:
I assume you have credentials. Elizabeth Taylor, Peggy Lee. What? Do you have a thing for entertainers, Mr. Rafferty?

Bernard Lafferty:
Lafferty. I beg your pardon, Miss Duke. It's Lafferty with an L.

Doris Duke:
It says you haven't worked for six months.

Bernard Lafferty:
I had a, a wee health problem.

Doris Duke:
Drugs or alcohol?

Bernard Lafferty:
Erm...

Doris Duke:
I assume it's under control.

Bernard Lafferty:
I assure you it's all in the past now.

Doris Duke:
Right.

Doris Duke:
[on the intercom] Come on, baby. Get back here. Ben, where are you? I'm missing you.

Ben:
[to Bernard] Good evening, Sir.

Doris Duke:
[to Bernard] She's one of those Nurse Ratched types, you know. The Nazis in the white sneakers.

Doris Duke:
Lafferty, your outfit. Well you look like a God damn undertaker. I mean, do you think you can lighten up a little bit.

Bernard Lafferty:
Of course. I could do that.

Doris Duke:
How do you like living in my world so far, Bernard?

Bernard Lafferty:
I like it very much.

Doris Duke:
Who wouldn't?

Doris Duke:
[singing] I don't need a million dollars to make my dreams come true, / Baby, all I need is you. / I don't need a fortune teller to tell my troubles to,

Doris Duke, Bernard Lafferty:
[singing] Baby, all I need is you.

Doris Duke:
[singing] I'm right at the gates of heaven and I can pass right through.

Doris Duke, Bernard Lafferty:
[singing] Baby, all I need is you.

Bernard Lafferty:
Brava!

Patrolman:
Who's your friend?

Doris Duke:
Oh, that's the Sultan of Brunei.

Patrolman:
Welcome to New Jersey.

Bernard Lafferty:
Thanks.

Waldo Taft:
[about Bernard] He's a bad influence, Doris.

Doris Duke:
I like him.

Waldo Taft:
Doris, I've seen you figure people out in ten seconds. You are a brilliant judge of character. Why can't you see this guy is up to something?

Waldo Taft:
I'm writing you a check for $200,000.

Bernard Lafferty:
$200,000?

Waldo Taft:
Mm-hm. That's right. On condition you go away and stay away.

Bernard Lafferty:
I don't understand.

Waldo Taft:
Miss Duke hired you to be her butler, not her drinking buddy.

Bernard Lafferty:
Did... did she ask you to pay me off? Because Miss Duke would not be very happy if I walked out on her. Loyalty is very important to her.

Waldo Taft:
I agree, loyalty is a valuable commodity. Let's make it $500,000.

Bernard Lafferty:
Do you think that's enough?

Waldo Taft:
Give you a little breathing space.

Bernard Lafferty:
[rejecting the check] I am not that easy. Good evening, sir.

Bernard Lafferty:
Welcome home, Miss Duke.

Doris Duke:
Thank you, Lafferty. I am so glad to be back. Oh, my goodness, look at you. Look at your hair.

Doris Duke:
Look, your present. Voila. For you.

Bernard Lafferty:
What?

Doris Duke:
Here.

Bernard Lafferty:
That's for me?

Doris Duke:
That's for you. Try it on.

Bernard Lafferty:
No, it isn't.

Doris Duke:
Come on. Don't be simple. Put your arm in.

Bernard Lafferty:
It's a caftan, isn't it?

Doris Duke:
Yes, it is. An antique caftan. Oh, it's perfect. How brilliant am I? That's gorgeous. Perfect.

Bernard Lafferty:
Oh, thank you. It's just beautiful. It's hand embroided isn't it?

Doris Duke:
It certainly is.

Bernard Lafferty:
I can't believe it. It's the most beautiful present I ever had.

Doris Duke:
Uh-huh.

Bernard Lafferty:
It is. I feel like, I feel like Lawrence of Arabia.

Waldo Taft:
For all I knew you might have been locked in the attic like Baby Jane.

Doris Duke:
That's Blanche. Baby Jane had the keys.

[last lines]

Bernard Lafferty:
Good afternoon, gentleman. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Waldo Taft:
Lucky thing you knowing the judge.

Doris Duke:
Oh, I know a lot of people.

Waldo Taft:
He seemed awfully happy to see you.

Doris Duke:
Ah, well, yes. We had a little moment in the coatroom of the Phillips Club about 20 years ago.

Waldo Taft:
I don't find that funny.

Doris Duke:
You would if you'd been there.

Doris Duke:
I sometimes wear bed socks when I sleep. I've done so since I was a little girl, and if I should be wearing my bed socks when I fall of the twig, I would like you to please remove them from my feet before the coroner gets there. I don't want to look like a complete idiot.

Bernard Lafferty:
Yes, sure.

Doris Duke:
And no fancy speeches. No press. And I would like you to dress me in something casual. Life is a journey, after all, and I refuse to go into that box wearing an evening gown or something equally stupid.

Bernard Lafferty:
Yes, sure.

Doris Duke:
Make it a natural fiber, not man-made. Silk might be a good idea. I want to demonstrate my solidarity with nature.

Bernard Lafferty:
Of course.

Doris Duke:
I could come back as a tree, or a bird or a bug, or... who knows? Will you do that for me, Lafferty?

Bernard Lafferty:
Yes.

Doris Duke:
Promise?

Bernard Lafferty:
I promise.

Doris Duke:
I must have lost my mind to believe a f***er like you.