Best in Show

Gerry Fleck:
Don't water the plants, they're plastic!

Buck Laughlin:
Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!

Buck Laughlin:
Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?

Hamilton Swan:
Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck?

Meg Swan:
Is that not breathing?

Hamilton Swan:
Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.

Sherri Ann Cabot:
Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.

Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III:
And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically; very, very specific, rigid, you could say, but in this world where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are.

Buck Laughlin:
Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor?

Nurse:
Uh, no.

Buck Laughlin:
Remind me never to come to you for a physical!

Meg Swan:
Thanks a lot, you stupid hotel manager!

Buck Laughlin:
That looks like a fast dog

Buck Laughlin:
Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact.

Max Berman:
...but you see, you think they drop like rocks, they don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down and this guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head

Max Berman:
pops off like a grape. The body continues to spin down like a whirl-a-gig. When they hit, everything pops out. It's like a piñata The intestines, like they're spring-loaded, pop out.

Max Berman:
I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I sh*t you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?

Hotel Manager:
We have you down for a queen.

Scott Donlan:
What are you suggesting... my dear man.

Hamilton Swan:
Don't!... not the lips...

Gerry Fleck:
Well you must be very "proud Mary".

Scott Donlan:
Oh my goodness. Who are you all of a sudden?

Stefan Vanderhoof:
Good baby boomer gag.

Cookie Fleck:
Who's that in the burgundy jacket? Mr Hip.

Hamilton Swan:
Don't look at the fat ass losers or freaks, look at me!

Meg Swan:
I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!

Meg Swan:
What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?

Buck Laughlin:
And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.

Gerry Fleck:
I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet!

Cookie Fleck:
I thought he was kidding.

Gerry Fleck:
But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet.

Buck Laughlin:
I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.

Scott Donlan:
She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.

Harlan Pepper:
I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.

Gerry Fleck:
She had dozens of boyfriends

Cookie Fleck:
Hundreds

Gerry Fleck:
Hundreds?

Cookie Fleck:
Yeah, hundreds.

Gerry Fleck:
Well, I did not know that.

Buck Laughlin:
I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun.

Christy Cummings:
It worked for my family... you know, until my mom committed suicide in '81.

Buck Laughlin:
I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"

Scott Donlan:
This is my euphemism, Stefan.

Scott Donlan:
Rhapsody has two mommies.

Buck Laughlin:
Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet.

Trevor Beckwith:
I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right.

Buck Laughlin:
He's got two left feet.

Fay Berman:
Don't look him in the eye! It challenges him! He doesn't like that!

Christy Cummings:
We started this magazine, 'American B*tch'. It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.

Stefan Vanderhoof:
When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bar tender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.

Stefan Vanderhoof:
If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing.

Stefan Vanderhoof:
We're gonna be in Philadelphia for 48 hours, how many tea services can you do?

Meg Swan:
No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume.

Meg Swan:
This? This is a fish. This is a fish! You know what? Just shut up.

Meg Swan:
I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!

Stefan Vanderhoof:
So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here.

Bulge:
“Cookie?”... “Cookie Googleman”?

Cookie:
“Bulge?”

Scott Donlan:
Bratwurst and shillelaghs... paging Dr. Freud.