Best Man Down

Scott:
I mean... he was my best friend.

Kristin:
But he wasn't your best friend. He was your oldest friend. There's a difference.

Scott:
I don't care what you call him. I knew Lumpy better than anyone.

Ramsey:
[during Lumpy's funeral service] There are a lot of moments in life, and I didn't know Lumpy very long. Most of you probably had more time with him than I did, but... just because dying on a cactus was Lumpy's last moment doesn't mean it was his most important one.

Lumpy's Mom:
I always felt bad my son never met anyone to love, someone to love him back. It's really good to know that I was wrong.

Ramsey:
Hot date?

Priest:
What are you doing here?

Ramsey:
You know I like to watch. I hate it when you pull the blinds, Dad.

Priest:
[sighs] I'm not your dad.

Ramsey:
Dad, father, father, dad... Whatever. I need 50 bucks.

Priest:
I don't have 50 bucks. This is really your best option? Blackmailing a priest?

Ramsey:
hink of it as community welfare.

Priest:
Isn't there a doctor or a lawyer you can hustle?

Ramsey:
If you want me to go back to taking it out of the offering tray, I will.

Kristin:
I assumed that the funeral would be after the honeymoon.

Scott:
You... you wanna postpone the funeral? Who postpones a funeral?

Scott:
I know you never got Lumpy. Okay? Let's just be honest. You didn't want him to be my best man.

Kristin:
I didn't say that. What I said was, you two didn't spend much time together anymore.

Scott:
What does that mean? We're men. Men don't spend a lot of time together.

Scott:
[taking out cellphone] Hey, will you hold this? It's Lumpy's. Then we can make some calls, just let people know what happened.

Kristin:
[browsing through cellphone] There are only six numbers stored. Two of them are for pizza delivery.

Ramsey:
Don't you have candles to light, or like... wine and crackers to hand out?

Priest:
That's what you think I do? Mood lighting and catering?

Winston:
Look at me. I come back from two back-to-back tours in Iraq last year, and I got sh*t. No job, no degree, no money... nothin'. All I have is respect, and from you... [menacingly] I'm gonna get respect.

Roger:
Could somebody please pass the Mrs. Dash? She might be hiding with Mr. Dash.

Kristin:
Oh, we don't know if there is a Mr. Dash, Dad. Maybe things didn't go too well after their wedding or something.

Scott:
Well, maybe Mr. Dash had some things on his mind, and things that he has to take care of.

Kristin:
I just wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Dash didn't go on a honeymoon and then after that, stop communicating.

Scott:
Maybe Mrs. Dash should stop feeling sorry for herself.

Kristin:
I think that Mrs. Dash is trying really hard and maybe feels under-appreciated.

Scott:
[raising voice slightly] Maybe Mrs. Dash should remember she's not the only spice in the spice rack.

Roger:
[reminiscing about Lumpy] Boy looked like he was a lot of fun.

Scott:
He was a lot of fun, Roger. He wasn't a boy though. He was a man.

Kristin:
Of course he was a man.

Scott:
No, no, no. He was a real man. Just because he drank a little too much, and quit law school and he got fired from his job, it doesn't make him less of a man. 'Cause he was a man, Kris.

Kristin:
Okay. We understand and we know you're upset...

Scott:
[shouting] You asked me to pee sitting down!

Kristin:
I thought it would be a nice compromise.

Scott:
You wanted me to carry a purse, for Christ's sake.

Kristin:
Why would he carry a purse?

Kristin:
[raising voice] It was a man bag! And I was only pointing out that some men have found it efficient. They are in Europe mostly but...

Scott:
We don't live in Europe. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean. Lumpy kept it real. He was a man.

Gail:
Your aunt had to bring up Lumpy.

Kristin:
Mom, someone died. People are gonna talk about it.

Gail:
But that's all they talk about. Oh, your best man got drunk and died at the wedding. Do you know that he hit on your cousin Lindsay?

Kristin:
She's fourteen. They were just dancing.

Gail:
I think it's inappropriate. I don't like it. [pause] Well, don't tell me you don't wish that it didn't happen on your wedding night?

Kristin:
Actually... I just wish that it didn't happen.

Jaime:
You never gave it a chance.

Ramsey:
No one makes new friends in high school.

Jaime:
Oh, you're so smart though.

Ramsey:
Yeah, and everyone's just dying to be friends with that freak girl who does math two years ahead of everybody else.

Jaime:
Well, if you try, it'll get better.

Ramsey:
You sure about that, Mom? Is it gonna get better like Milwaukee, where I got beat up every week? Or is it gonna get better like Rockford, where you got beat up every week?

Jaime:
Stop it. I did the best that I could.

Ramsey:
Or is it like Brooklyn Park, where I had to watch my dad O.D.? So tell me, Mom...

Jaime:
[interrupting] Stop it!

Ramsey:
...When does it get better, because I wouldn't want to miss it. [stomps out of house in winter weather]

Jaime:
Ramsey... where are you going?

Ramsey:
Anywhere but here.

Lumpy:
[outside motel in wintry night weather] Let me at least put some clothes on, and I will drive you home.

Ramsey:
I can walk.

Lumpy:
Get your butt back in the hotel room, or I'm gonna drop this towel! [sardonically] You'll be scarred for life.

Kristin:
You have to get your job back.

Scott:
I can't get my job back! I don't want to get my job back! Keep shafting me on commissions, and I'm done. That's what Lumpy would have done.

Kristin:
Oh, well, by all means let's follow Lumpy's example. What has he done? He dropped out of law school. He got fired for embezzlement. Now I think he's committed statutory rape!

Scott:
Stop it! Please don't. Just don't. [pause] You know how we could afford Mexico? Lumpy gave me the money. He got us a honeymoon, and I can't even get his funeral right.

Ramsey:
I still think you should've gone to the hospital.

Lumpy:
Mm-mmm, no, no. No, Duluth is... like umm... two hours away from here. I took a hot shower. I'll be fine.

Ramsey:
Well, you look purple and bloated.

Lumpy:
I always look bloated. [pause] It's okay, it's okay. I work really hard to look this bloated. It's a point of pride for me.

Ramsey:
My mom says taking drugs for fun is okay, but taking them for problems is not. 'Cause once the drugs wear off, you still have the problem.

Scott:
[agitatedly] Of course it matters! What are you talking about?

Kristin:
He's gone, Scott.

Scott:
I know that. I just... Kris, he told a 15-year-old girl he was dying. He didn't tell me. I just wish he'd told me. [starts crying] I wish he'd told me.

Ramsey:
[during Lumpy's funeral service] He didn't tell anyone about his heart because he didn't want his friends or his family to worry. And if he only had a little time left to live, the last thing he wanted to be was a lawyer. He just wanted to fish and have fun.