Beverly Hills Ninja

Haru:
I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you.

Haru:
Hey, you hear the one about the lady who backed into a fan? It was a disaster. "Dis-assed" her.

Chet Walters:
Hey, nice coat. Who shot the couch?

Haru:
I prefer to be alone tonight, perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.

Sensei:
I tried to stop this mission because I feared for you, but I was wrong, you must continue. It is your duty as a ninja.

Haru:
Sensei, you called me a ninja.

Sensei:
Yes, I guess I did.

Haru:
Do not worry. A ninja knows when he is in danger.

Haru:
Now we are in danger. We are really in danger.

Haru:
I may not be a great ninja; I may not be one with the universe; but I will say this: NO ONE MESSES WITH MY BROTHER.

Haru:
I am one with the universe. I am one with the universe.

Haru:
NO I AM NOT.

Allison:
Our car broke down, could we use the phone?

Chet Walters:
Oh, car trouble? Don't get me started. I got a 1975 Fairmont that's as hard to turn over as me on Laguna Beach.

Sensei:
Twenty five years ago, an ancient legend of this sacred art came alive. It spoke of a foreign child who would come among us and become a Ninja master unlike any other. How he arrived on our shores will forever remain a mystery. We Ninjas thought that this child would be the great white Ninja of the legend. We were wrong. We were very wrong.

Joey:
Do you know what I do everyday once I leave here?

Haru:
No, what?

Joey:
I'm running. I'm always running, man. My neighborhood's bad, Man, I gotta run to get cigarettes, I gotta run to get milk, I gotta run to take out the trash. Know why? Because whenever I leave my house, there's somebody out there just waiting to kick my ass.

Haru:
The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin on a moonless night.

Joey:
That's pretty black, Man.

Haru:
It is a black art, and I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Or rather the great white black art... Blackest... Master.

Haru:
I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do, but as part of my creed, I cannot tell you. See my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret, I cannot reveal it to you.

Haru:
Because I would then have to kill you.

Gobei:
I love my little brother. His determination is like a tiger, swift as a...

Sensei:
GOBEI.

Gobei:
He's fat. He's a fool. He's an embarassment to all ninjas everywhere.

Haru:
Okey dokey, lets see what we got baking in the oven. Yeah, ya, ya, ya, ya. Not yet a match. Ok well, it looks like we are about one degree Celsius off on that ah magenta color. What I can do is quantify the 7F reading. To me they're just a little bit off, what I can do on that is run a pap smear, and that should even it out.

Haru:
Oh I see you got the R2347ST Printing press. This thing came out the same time I was printing leaflets for the Shave the Whales Foundation.

Martin Tanley:
You mean Save the Whales.

Haru:
Oh is that what you did with them, maybe it was starve the whales, starve the whales.

Haru:
Sensei, she is incapable of such things. She is as lovely as a dove.

Sensei:
It sounds to me you are being lead around by your short sword.

Sensei:
You must stop comparing yourself to Gobei!

Haru:
But why, master? He is the best ninja.

Sensei:
We would all be fortunate to have a heart as big as yours, Haru.

Haru:
Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja.

Haru:
Did I say "ninja"? I meant "ninny". Haru, you are such a ninny.

Haru:
You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a ninja does not talk!

Martin Tanley:
Ninja? You're a ninja? You're the big fat ninja everyone's talking about, aren't you?

Haru:
Great White Ninja.