Big Trouble

Arthur Herk:
Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes.

Eddie:
Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.

Eliot Arnold:
Do you think someone's trying to kill your husband?

Anna Herk:
God, I hope so!

Henry Desalvo:
Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet.

Geo Salesman:
Sweet little vehicle. Just get divorced? Ah, it doesn't matter. Forty-two miles to the gallon, AM/FM radio. I'll even throw in the undercoating. Anything else you'd like to know?

Matt Arnold:
Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?

Eliot Arnold:
Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was NOT confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.

Matt Arnold:
Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... or jumped ON me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.

Leonard:
If I don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.

Alan Seitz:
Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.

Pat Greer:
So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?

Henry Desalvo:
We have a die-hard situation developing in the kitchen.

Leonard:
What's happening?

Henry Desalvo:
Well, either he's going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or bake him a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.

Henry Desalvo:
I know, I know. Time was, you actually had to hit somebody.

Monica Romero:
You're making a big mistake.

Snake:
Story of my life.

Pat Greer:
Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.

Pat Greer:
Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?

Alan Seitz:
Warms the sh*t out of my cockles.

Arthur Herk:
This is my goddamn house!

Monica Romero:
Yes, and these are my handcuffs, and if you don't cooperate, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house!

Henry Desalvo:
Well, Miami sucks. But the cops are kind of nice.

Snake:
Let's go.

Eddie:
I ain't never driven one of these before.

Snake:
It ain't a spaceship, a**hole. Drive.

Snake:
If you don't do like I say, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?

Puggy:
You're gonna shoot me?

Snake:
You got that right.

Snake:
A garbage disposal.

Snake:
Portable.

Snake:
It's got a timer.

Snake:
Grounds up your garbage, while you're out.

Officer Walter Kramitz:
Are you going to help me, or are you just gonna be a big, fat, stupid a**hole?

Sour Airport Security Chief:
Strip search.

Officer Monica Romero:
Where did they get that stuff?

Pat Greer:
Russia.

Officer Monica Romero:
Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?

Pat Greer:
You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called - ...

Alan Seitz:
Sergijev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there.

Pat Greer:
Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.

Officer Monica Romero:
The bar?

Pat Greer:
That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.

Alan Seitz:
They have beautiful churches there. Travel Channel.

Alan Seitz:
What makes you think this is the first time?

Pat Greer:
Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those a**holes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.

Officer Monica Romero:
You can do that?

Eliot Arnold:
I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.

Officer Walter Kramitz:
If I don't see them, I don't write them.

Eliot Arnold:
Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.

Eliot Arnold:
This is a stupid game.

Matt Arnold:
Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.

Eliot Arnold:
You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?

Matt Arnold:
Andrew?

Jenny Herk:
He ran the other way.

Eliot Arnold:
Did anybody call the police?

Officer Monica Romero:
I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.

Anna Herk:
Hey, kids.

Arthur Herk:
I want to press charges! Cuff him!

Officer Monica Romero:
My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.

Henry Desalvo:
There isn't any rule that says I can't come over here and fart on your entree.

Eliot Arnold:
Let go of the suitcase!

Snake:
The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase!

Henry Desalvo:
We're gonna miss our flight.

Leonard:
You see what the problem is?

Henry Desalvo:
I don't know. There's some kind of commotion up there. There might be something about it on the radio.

Henry Desalvo:
I really feel like killing someone.

Leonard:
Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.

Henry Desalvo:
She.

Leonard:
She what?

Henry Desalvo:
The mosquito is a she.

Leonard:
How the hell can you tell that?

Henry Desalvo:
Discovery channel. Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.

Leonard:
Sounds like my ex-wife. "B*tch."

Henry Desalvo:
There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef.

Jenny Herk:
You, don't look at my ass when I walk away.

Andrew:
I can't make that promise.

Andrew:
Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.

Matt Arnold:
Are you looking at her ass?

Andrew:
Yeah.

Puggy:
My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Puggy:
Aluminum?

Henry Desalvo:
There was another shooter.

Henry Desalvo:
What do I mean? What do you mean "what do I mean". I mean there was another shooter is what I mean.

Deeber:
[points to his computer monitor] If you want to continue working at this newspaper, you will put something in here before you go home.

Eliot Arnold:
Why don't I put something in there right now?

[He climbs onto Deeber's desk and kicks his shoe straight through the screen.]

Eliot Arnold:
[v.o.] Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk. Earlier that day I found out my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.

[In the Jolly Jackal Russian's bar; Leo is holding a baseball bat]

Leo:
Out!

Snake:
[about Puggy] He broke my ankle!

Leo:
I break your head!

John:
You can stay.

Puggy:
[about the muggers] They took all my money.

John:
It's okay. Free beer.

[Leo has just beat Snake and Eddie with a baseball bat]

Puggy:
Aluminum, huh?

Leo:
We sponsor girl's softball team.

John:
[to Puggy] You want to make five dollars?

[Puggy carries the heavy metal suitcase from the van into the bar's stockroom.]

John:
Lay down gentle, so as not to fall. [Puggy does.] Strong... come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have more job for you.

[Later that evening, Puggy is walking down a Miami street and pitches camp in a luxurious home's banyan tree.]

Eliot Arnold:
[v.o.] After only one day in Miami, Puggy had a more rewarding career and lived in a better neighborhood than I did.

[Matt and Andrew are preparing to ambush their classmate, Jenny with a squirt gun, in her home.]

Andrew:
So, what's the plan? Through the front?

Matt Arnold:
[sarcastically] Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold. I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny." No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed. I just she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.

[preparing to ambush Jenny]

Matt:
Here we go...

Andrew:
I'll witness from here, in case her dad shoots us.

Matt:
With what, the remote control?

Andrew:
This is Miami, he has a gun.

Jenny Herk:
Good thing you ran away, Arthur, you might have gotten wet.

Arthur Herk:
Shut up!

Officer Monica Romero:
Easy...

Arthur Herk:
Don't tell me easy, this is my goddamn house!

Officer Monica Romero:
And these are my handcuffs, and if you don't take it easy, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house.

Eliot Arnold:
Look, I'm sorry that my kid squirted your daughter... I-I mean, I'm sorry that he got her wet... I mean... the way he described it, it was just supposed to be a game.

Anna Herk:
Well, hey, kids.

[Henry is talking on a pay phone]

Henry Desalvo:
There was another shooter.

William Spaulding:
What do you mean?

Henry Desalvo:
What do I mean? What do you mean "what do I mean"? I mean there was another shooter is what I mean.

[a bunch of mean-looking gangstas approach him.]

William Spaulding:
So, did you take care of the job or not?

Henry Desalvo:
Not.

William Spaulding:
Did the other shooter take care of it?

Henry Desalvo:
Uh, hold on a second.

[Henry pretends to drop the piece of paper with the phone number on it, bends down to pick it up, and draws a revolver from his ankle holster.]

Henry Desalvo:
Not right now, okay?

Gang Leader:
It's cool, man.

Arthur Herk:
[asked who might have shot his TV set] I'll tell you who did it. It's probably some goddamn kids. 'Cause these goddamn kids today, they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!

Officer Monica Romero:
Any additional insights, Mr. Herk? Any information can help us to protect you.

Arthur Herk:
I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town could protect their own d*cks with both hands.

Officer Monica Romero:
Thank you for that observation. [to Matt] I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.

[Everyone looks at Anna.]

Anna Herk:
Hey... kids.

Arthur Herk:
I want to press charges! Cuff him!

Officer Monica Romero:
My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.

Arthur Herk:
[to Eliot] Good, now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.

Eliot Arnold:
Thanks for everything.

Anna Herk:
Listen, I'm sorry my husband's such an idiot.

Eliot Arnold:
He's probably really upset because someone shot his TV...

Anna Herk:
No, he's an idiot.

Eliot Arnold:
Do you think someone's trying to kill him?

Anna Herk:
God, I hope so!

Eliot Arnold:
What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?

Anna Herk:
He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.

Eliot Arnold:
[chuckles] I did an article on them once. They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work. I called it, "Crapital Punishment."

Anna Herk:
Eliot Arnold, from The Herald? I used to read your column! You were so funny. What happened?

Eliot Arnold:
I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.

[Anna laughs]

Eliot Arnold:
[more seriously] How does a guy like Arthur end up with someone like you?

Anna Herk:
I married him when Jenny was little. My first husband left us kind of early, and we had to move to this crappy little apartment, and I met Arthur. He was different then. I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book, but then I think about that horrible apartment.

Eliot Arnold:
It's unavailable. I live there.

[She laughs again.]

[Eliot and Anna go for a walk on the beach after passionately making out in his office.]

Eliot Arnold:
Can I get personal?

Anna Herk:
[laughs] Now you're asking?

Eliot Arnold:
Your daughter really likes you.

Anna Herk:
Yeah, we have a pretty good relationship.

Eliot Arnold:
Your divorce, Arthur... she doesn't throw any of that in your face?

Anna Herk:
No, I told Jenny a long time ago that I wasn't perfect. She tried to accept my mistakes, and I try to accept hers.

Eliot Arnold:
Sounds simple.

Anna Herk:
Well, I mean it wasn't that simple when she came home with that scorpion tattooed on her butt.

Eliot Arnold:
Matt hates me. He basically thinks I'm a loser. Called me a loser. So I called him a shithead. If we had bad teeth, we could go on Jerry Springer.

[Anna laughs.]

[While approaching the annoying cigar smokers.]

Henry Desalvo:
Gentlemen; would you mind putting out your cigars, please?

Bruce:
Come again?

Henry Desalvo:
I asked, would you mind putting out your cigars, please?

Bruce:
As a matter of fact I would mind.

Henry Desalvo:
Well you see the reason I asked -- all due respect -- is because I got a great New York strip over there cost me twenty-seven dollars and change, and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar.

Bruce:
Well, first of all, Ace: you're eating a steak at a place called "Joe's Stone Crab"? And secondly, there's no rule that says we can't smoke.

Henry Desalvo:
Well, first of all: My name is not Ace. And number two: I'm not talking about rules, here, I'm talking about manners. You see, there is no rule that says I can't come over here and fart on your entree, but I don't do it. Why? Because it isn't good manners. Now I will ask you again in the nicest way to please, put out the cigars, okay?

[Bruce blows smoke in Henry's face and laughs with his friends. Finally snapping, Henry grabs the cigar, snaps Bruce's fingers and puts out his cigar in his drink. Shocked, the others follow suit.]

Henry Desalvo:
Thank you.

Bruce:
[Pained] I hope you realize you've just committed assault.

Henry Desalvo:
I know, I know. You know, I remember time was you actually had to hit somebody.

Henry Desalvo:
[back at his table] You go tell your employer it's gonna cost him another 10 G's apiece.

His Boss:
Okay. But we want this finished as soon as possible.

Henry Desalvo:
Well, believe me, we don't want to spend anymore time in this garden spot than we have to.

Leonard:
Got that right.

[Jenny walks away from Matt and Andrew again.]

Matt Arnold:
Are you staring at her ass?

Andrew:
You're not?

[about the Gator radioshow]

Leonard:
What the hell are 'Gators'?

Henry Desalvo:
Football. College.

Leonard:
Morons.

Eliot Arnold:
I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.

Eliot Arnold:
[After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn.

Eliot Arnold:
[v.o.] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear [sic] weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it.

Eliot Arnold:
[v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning.

Eliot Arnold:
[v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.

Arthur Herk:
[to his boss] Morning, douchebag.

Arthur Herk:
I need a missile.

Arthur Herk:
Make her stop! God in heaven, make her stop! SHE WANTS MY SOUL!!!

Henry Desalvo:
[Whilst pointing a gun at three thugs who walk towards him while he is speaking to his employer on the phone] Not right now, okay?

Henry Desalvo:
Was that a goat?!

Puggy:
[Opening the movie] God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." [eats a Frito] In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. [picks up another] You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. [eats it] Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Snake:
[to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead.

Snake:
[to the Russians] If you a**holes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head.