Big Wolf on Campus

Stacey:
Why did you wait eleven years to ask me out?

Tommy:
Well, in the second grade I was in the middle of an intense relationship with G.I. Joe.

Merton:
Look yonder, the Henderson family is having a picnic. "Son, eat your sandwich and we'll play wiffle ball." "But father, I don't fancy egg salad. I'd much prefer tea and crumpets! I'd also like me porridge! Porridge tastes good in me tummy! I like porridge..."

Tommy:
[reciting a spell to banish an evil witch] From the ground to the air, from the air to the ground! The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the day!

Merton:
[puts a hand on Lori's shoulder] It was nice knowing you.

Tommy:
Nice glints, chalk.

Hyacinth:
Merzekial, are you breaking up with me?

Merton:
[showing his tattoo of the Grim Reaper]Do you know who this is?

Tommy:
Marilyn Manson?

Merton:
The brain stays in the head! The brain stays in the head!

Tommy:
[Tommy can transfer his lycanthropy to another] I know who I'm gonna give it to. Lenny Womack. I hate that guy!

Merton:
Yeah, I hate him too, but he's already something of a pyromaniac. You don't wanna spawn a werewolf arsonist.

Merton:
I've stayed up countless nights watching American Werewolf in London. American Werewolf in Paris! I even wrote a screenplay for American Werewolf in Lenningrad - which, of course is now St. Petersburg, but the story still works.

Merton:
[Death is after Tommy. There is a knock at the door] Oh, I hope that's my pizza.

Tommy:
What?!

Merton:
D-I mean... I hope that's not Death.

Merton:
Death? You mean Tommy's gonna die?

Professor Fugelhoff:
Do you know of another outcome for death?

Mr. Geiger:
[holding up ink blots] Just tell me what you see.

Merton:
It looks like a bat.

Mr. Geiger:
Very good. And now?

Merton:
Bat.

Mr. Geiger:
And?

Merton:
Bat... bat... A lonely boy, failing to please his demanding father at every turn.

Mr. Geiger:
Wait, that one's upside-down.

[flips picture]

Merton:
Bat.

Merton:
From an old legend, and the third season of Buffy...

Merton:
[reading] Ah! Here it is! 'Although not recognized as a legal defense in most states, evil twins have plagued mankind throughout history.'

Death:
Checkmate!

Tommy:
Oh! Please gimme one more chance. Please!

[Time lapse]

Death:
Yahtzee.

[Time lapse]

Death:
Connect four.

Tommy:
Where? Where? I don't see it. Where?

[Time lapse]

Death:
Colonel Mustard in the lounge with the lead pipe.

Merton:
Wow, you're good! How about Stratego?

Death:
No!

Merton:
Tommy, bad news! That stuff I told you about Geiger? I was right!

Tommy:
He's an alien?

Merton:
Okay, I was almost right.

Becky:
I'm not saying you should get a nose job. I'm just saying you should wear big hats or something to make it look smaller.

Becky:
Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to forget you live here.

[Tommy is reluctantly donating blood]

Hugo:
Now, less talking, more bleeding. [presses something to Tommy's inner arm]

Tommy:
Aargh!

Hugo:
It was only the cotton swab.

Tommy:
It's a very rough cotton swab.

Tommy:
There's a lot of kids out there with pretty wild imaginations, but I wasn't one of them. I really did get attacked by a character from a video game.

Dean Dawkins:
If the UPS guys comes, don't sign anything. I think I ordered another ab roller.

Merton:
Tommy, have you been bingeing at the Hungry Bucket again?

Merton:
I can't hide it any more. The truth is, I've got spirit. Yes I do. I've got spirit. How 'bout you! Wooohooo!

Merton:
So, you're a Voodoo witch doctor. What's that like?

Merton:
So, you're a fire-wielding sorceress. What's that like?

Merton:
So, You're a ravenous hoard of flesh-eating zombies. What's that like?

Merton:
I know everything!

Merton:
[notices an error on the board] Wait, carry the four. [corrects the error] Now I know everything! Ha, ha, ha!

Merton:
Note to self: write mocking letter to MENTA.

Tommy:
Dude, there's no such thing as vampires!

Merton:
Yeah. That means a lot coming from a werewolf.

Tommy:
Merton! What's he saying?

Merton:
Tommy, I took Spanish 3, not Babylon 5!

Merton:
[swearing to Male Nurse St. Jacques] I won't tell a soul.

Merton:
[next scene] Tommy! I'm a voodoo apprentice!

Tommy:
You mean I was blown off by a vampire chick?

Merton:
[Merton is accused of being a nerd] Nerds have labs. I have a lair. Ergo, I am not a nerd... Please disregard my use of 'ergo'

Merton:
Spell caster. Yeah right! He couldn't cast a shadow.

Tommy:
What happened in the movie, Merton?

Merton:
I'd be the perfect werewolf, Tommy! Bite me! Bite me! Bite Me!

Merton:
[trips] Never wear the frock when you're bowling!

Tommy:
I've hated that guy since 5th grade when he threw my football in the lake.

Merton:
I've hated that guy since 5th grade when he threw *me* in the lake!

Merton:
...It says right here in Saucy Teen Magazine. Which is Becky's.

Merton:
All right, tell me about your little "ghost friend". [makes air quotes with his fingers] OK, maybe the air quotes were a bit much.

Merton:
[trying to bite Tommy] I'm just jonesin' for an Osmodius Burger!

50's film narrator:
The pale young man is right.

Merton:
Hey, how does he know I'm... young?

Merton:
OK, enough with the spell casting! You couldn't cast a net over a dead mackerel.

Male cheerleader:
Merton, don't think I'm razzing you, or giving you the business, but what made you come around?

Merton:
The Badminton Club rejected me. I couldn't say 'shuttlecock' without giggling. [both giggle]

Tommy, Merton:
Mmmmm, Pajama party!

Merton:
R-O-W-D-I-E! That is the way we spell rowdy! Funny, that's not how the dictionary spells it.

Merton:
Do this, Merton. Do that, Merton. Where's the love?

Merton:
Merton J. Dingle doesn't give up *that* easily!

Merton:
[stapler doesn't work] Ugh! Stupid stapler! I quit!

Lori Baxter:
Merton, you don't just go to lunch on day and suddenly become nine months pregnant. Especially if you're a guy.

Merton J. Dingle:
Oh, yeah! It's a ghost! A noncorporeal, partially photosensitive plane-hopper. [to Lori, holding a Yoohoo chocolate drink] Yoohoo?

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Oh, come on, Merton. We gotta send a ghost up to the big football field in the sky! Now how are we gonna do it?

Merton J. Dingle:
Hold on, Tommy. Okay? Just 'cause he looks nasty doesn't necessarily mean he's evil. I mean, Bronco may be like one of the ghosts in The Sixth Sense, featuring Bruce Willis playing against type as a pensive child psychologist.

Lori Baxter:
Well, what happened?

Merton J. Dingle:
Well, after Die Hard, it was hard for Willis to shake his blue collar appeal.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
What happened in the movie. [to Lori] He does this all the time.

Merton J. Dingle:
Well, a boy is plagued by horrific-looking ghosts, and he's scared of them, like you are, but then he realizes he just has to fix a problem they had before they died.

Merton J. Dingle:
[tries to open a Yoohoo bottle and fails] Come on, bottle! This thing cannot be opened! [Lori takes bottle and opens it easily] For the record I loosened that.

Lori Baxter:
So, um, did you hear about that werewolf sighting last night?

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Really?

Lori Baxter:
Yeah. I wonder who that wolf could be. I was at home last night taking a nice, hot bubble bath, so that rules me out. Where were you last night?

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Oh, uh, oh, I, I was also taking a bubble bath.

Lori Baxter:
Tommy, I know you're lying.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Is it because of the way my left eye twitches?

Lori Baxter:
No, it's because you're the world's most pathetic liar. Look, I know you're the werewolf.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
What?

Lori Baxter:
Let's review: you always disappear when the wolf shows up and you reappear when the wolf's gone, but you're never together at the same time. You do the math.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Well, that doesn't mean a thing. Take Clark Kent and Superman. They're never at the same place at the same time.

Lori Baxter:
That's because Clark Kent is Superman.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Oh. Right.

Lori Baxter:
Well, look who's here.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Lori?

Lori Baxter:
Hey, wolf-boy.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Not this again. How many times do we have to do this? I am not a werewolf.

Lori Baxter:
Come on, Tommy. It all adds up.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Okay. All right. So, let's say that I am the werewolf. Aren't you afraid that I'll hurt you?

Lori Baxter:
Look, I know that the Pleasantville Werewolf is good.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
Are you sure about that? [Lori handcuffs Tommy to herself] What are you doing, Lori?

Lori Baxter:
You and I are just gonna sit here until the moon comes up.

Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins:
No, Lori, listen. This is so stupid! Listen, you gotta let me go. Seriously.

Lori Baxter:
Sorry, Tommy. Tonight, I prove, once and for all, that you're the dog-faced boy.

Dean Dawkins:
Ah youth! Still seduced by the false promise of the outside world.

Merton:
Come get us, you two-timing, cross-dressing, Jack Ripper-wannabe!

Tommy:
Hey, you're pretty good at that.

Merton:
Yeah, I've been insulted a lot.

[after being bound, gagged and menaced by a vampire]

Sloan Taylor:
You guys sure know how to show a girl a good time!

Merton J. Dingle:
It says, uh, Tri-Chi formed their own coven in 1790. A coven that practices black magic.

Tommy Dawkins:
Black magic? Well, that sounds bad.

Merton J. Dingle:
Yeah. Tres bad. Fairuza Balk in The Craft bad! Tommy, black wiccas are hedonistic pagans known for their demonic rituals! And their also renowned for their... blue ribbon fruit pies?

Tommy Dawkins:
I can't believe this. I actually brought Stacy to a bunch of evil witches just so we could go to the same college.

Merton J. Dingle:
Tommy, we gotta get Stacey out of the clutches of this dark sisterhood soon before it's game over!

Tommy Dawkins:
Stacey's a witch? I can't date a witch.

Merton J. Dingle:
Tommy, you're a werewolf. I mean, I'm no Chuck Woolery, but kinda seems like the Halloween episode of Love Connection.

Tommy Dawkins:
Oh, come on, Merton. What are we gonna do?

Merton J. Dingle:
Relax, Tommy. You know. Don't go all Salem Witch Trial on Stacey just yet. Remember, there's just as many good witches out there as bad ones.

Tommy Dawkins:
Okay. Okay, okay. I'm listening, I'm listening.

Merton J. Dingle:
Think Casper's friend Wendy. Or Tabitha from Bewitched with that cute little wiggly nose.

Merton J. Dingle:
I'd like to amend my original hypothesis. They're not robots, they're witches!