Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

Grim Reaper:
Don't overlook my butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.

Colonel Oates:
Get down and give me infinity.

Dead Bill:
There is no way we could possibly do infinity push-ups.

Dead Ted:
Well maybe if he lets us do them girly-style...

Dead Bill:
Ted, don't 'Fear The Reaper'!

Grim Reaper:
I heard that!

Rufus:
...and very important, DO NOT do your homework without wearing headphones. Repeat...

Bill:
Ted, we gotta do something!

Ted:
Dudes, even though you're doing this, we... we... we love you! We love you!

Evil Bill:

Evil Ted:
Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for a cat!

Evil Ted:
I got a full-on robot chubby.

Evil Bill:
Not bad...

Evil Ted:
Yeah. Let's make it bad.

Dead Bill:
Ted, you know, if I die, you can have my Megadeth collection.

Dead Ted:
But dude, we are already dead.

Dead Bill:
Oh. Well then they're yours, dude.

Bill:
Dinner's over, worm dude.

Grim Reaper:
A hit. You have sunk my battleship!

Dead Bill:

Dead Ted:
I totally knew he would put it in the J's, dude!

Dead Bill:
Good thinking, Ted.

Grim Reaper:
You must play me again.

Dead Bill:
WHAT?

Grim Reaper:
Um, best two out of three.

Dead Ted:
No way!

Grim Reaper:
Yes way.

Grim Reaper:
I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candlestick.

Dead Bill:
Sorry, death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!

Grim Reaper:
I said Plum!

Dead Ted:
No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?

Grim Reaper:
Uh, best three out of five!

Dead Ted:
I don't believe this guy!

Bill:
You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!

Ted:
Dude, how are we gonna get out of this? We don't got any time!

Bill:
Yeah we do, dude. Look, after we get away from this guy, we use the booth. We time travel back to before the concert and set up the things we need to get him now.

Colonel Oates:
You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese Worms!

Dead Bill:
Best of seven?

Grim Reaper:
DAMN RIGHT!

Dead Bill:
Hey Ted? Wanna play 20 questions?

Dead Ted:
Okay! I got one!

Dead Bill:
Is it a mineral?

Dead Ted:
Yeah!

Dead Bill:
Are you a tank?

Dead Ted:
Whoa! Yeah!

Missy:
Spirits, can you hear me?

Dead Ted:
Yeah and we can totally see down...

Dead Bill:
Ted! That's your mom, dude!

Dead Ted:
Bill, what happened?

Dead Bill:
Ted, we're dead, dude.

Dead Ted:
No way!

Dead Bill:
Yes way!

Dead Bill:
Ted, it's the Grim Reaper!

Dead Ted:
Oh, how's it hangin' Death?

Evil Bill:
I totally loogied on that good, dead me!

Dead Ted:
Choose your own, you fag!

Dead Bill:
You ugly, red, source of all evil!

Dead Bill:

Grim Reaper:
I heard that.

Ted:
Dude!

Bill:
What?

Ted:
Hell sucks!

Bill:
Yes really!

Ted:
Your probably noticed we haven't given you our gifts yet.

Bill:
That's because...

Ted:
Um...

Bill:
Um...

Bill and Ted:
'scuse us dude. [take their girlfriends to opposite sides of the pool]

Bill:
[Takes out a folded piece of paper from his pocket] I wrote this myself.

Ted:
[Also takes out a folded piece of paper from his pocket] I wrote this last night.

Ted:
[Begins to read] Elizabeth.

Bill:
[Also begins to read] Joanna.

[The two talk simultaneously]

Bill:
As I wander through this dark and lonely forest of life, surrounded by various beasts... Bears, vipers, squirrels. Not to mention small tree growing lichen, woodpeckers, slugs, gila monsters. Oh no, that's the desert.

Ted:
As I swim through this dark and fearful sea of existence, surrounded by various creatures... Sharks, eels, yellowtail, and also barnacles, and algae, man-o-wars, starfish, blowfish, catfish. Uh oooh, that's fresh water.

Bill:
The point is I know we promised you a better life.

Ted:
What mean is we told you the future had some really good stuff.

Bill:
But all that stuff hasn't happened.

Bill and Ted:
But it will, I hope.

Ted:
The day after tomorrow, if things work out...

Bill:
What I mean is....

Bill and Ted:
[Turn to each other and give a shrug. Then turn back to their girlfriends.]

Ted:
Will you...?

Bill:
...Marry us?

Elizabeth:
Theodore...

Joanna:
I'd love to. [Bill and Ted smile, take out a plastic pink and purple heart ring. Holds it up for the other see that they succeeded, and then places it on their respective girlfriend's finger. They then give a quick air guitar to the other, and receive a kiss on the cheek by their girlfriends.]

[Bill and Ted take up Death's challenges, with one game being Clue]

Ted:
What's he doing?

Bill:
I don't know.

Death:
I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candlestick.

Bill]:
[Opens case envelope and shows card] Sorry, Death. You lose. [shows card] It was Professor Plum.

Death:
I said "Plum."

Ted:
[stands in protest] No way. You said "Mustard"! Can we go back now?

Death:
Best 3 out of 5.

Ted:
[angry] I don't believe this guy!

Bill:
Ladies and gentleman, we've been to the past, we've been to the future.

Ted:
We've been all around the afterlife.

Bill:
And you know?

Ted:
The best place to be is here...

Bill:
...And the best time to be is now, and all's we can say is...

Bill and Ted:
...Let's rock!

Death:
You may be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later, you dance with the Reaper!

Ted:
[First glimpse of Hell] This is not like I expected at all! We got totally lied to by our album covers.

Ted:
[Using his ghost powers on his father] I totally possessed my dad!

Bill:
[Describing their experience in Hell] That was non non non NON-heinous!