Bill Bailey: Part Troll

Bill Bailey:
[singing] You picked me up from school, you attended all my sporting functions, you bought me a car, you gave me the use of a credit card, but how can I feel pain? How can I feel pain? How can I feel pain when you're being so supportive?

Bill Bailey:
A medieval roadie? Ah, one do I say, one do I say, one do I say, one do I say then surely two should follow, two should follow, two should follow, two should follow.

Bill Bailey:
Have you considered the Axis of Evil pension scheme?

Bill Bailey:
[singing] I texted you on a Monday but you did not get my text til Tuesday because of a network problem.

Bill Bailey:
If all else fails we always have Argos. With the laminated book of dreams.

Bill Bailey:
It's the Narnia of household goods, the Tardis of toasters.

Bill Bailey:
That's not a review, it's just biological field notes.

Bill Bailey:
[describing his job as a pianist in a hotel reception] I'd be looking around at the clientele thinking "die. die now".

Bill Bailey:
Just a word of advice, don't dress up as a fox and try to lure the hunt over a bypass.

Bill Bailey:
You hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss.

Bill Bailey:
[song] I was alone, my heart was cold, it was a stone, My soul was lonely like a stone there was no moss. And when I danced, I danced alone, But then I did not dance, because I was alone, so I did not dance. I shuffled through life invisible to all the happy couples Who would mock me with their merry laughter - ha ha ha. The only sound I heard in my lonely silent world was the rusty hammer of my heart, nailing at the hatrid of my soul... But then you came... And my life was turned upside down. You showed me the beauty of the things that I had never seen like, The snowflake that melts on the eyelash of a startled deer. Or the painting of a dog that wears a deerstalker and smokes a pipe that made you laugh so heartily, but I had previously thought was rubbish. Or the duck that lands so clumsily on the frozen pond in Winter, but the intoxicating power of our love transforms this simple act into an anthropomorphic drama. Where Mr Duck is embarrassed and the other ducks are laughing. Quack, quack, quack. And then you left. And I died a thousand deaths and I will die a thousand more. And I thought you were an angel but you turned out to be a whore. And everything has turned to dust and everything is infected with a plague - Why did you have to sleep with Craig? 'Oh, he's so sensitive, he's got a tattoo' Yeah, carving your name with a compass on my forehead was not enough for you! The snowflake on the eye of the deer has turned to pus that oozes from an open wound... The deer now blinded stumbles into a ravine. The duck lays shredded in a pancake, soaking in the hoisin of your lies. The dog has moved from a pipe to 60 cigarettes a day and coughs his life away in the cold neon research lab of your betrayal. Of your betrayal.

Bill Bailey:
The tea and coffee making facilities left a lot to be desired.

Bill Bailey:
I went to see Metallica - yeah, 'tallica! - and I went to see them at Milton Keynes Bowl. They were being supported by Marilyn Manson - I love Marilyn, Brian? I love Brian, he's great. But anyway what he used to do to get the crowd going was just chant the name of the place over and over. So we were treated to this magnificent spectacle of this eight-foot freak, eyes different colours, wearing a rubber corset, down on one knee shouting "MILTON KEEEEYNES". Stay with me to the grave, that will.

Bill Bailey:
[plays guitar] Milton Keynes! Satan's layby!

Bill Bailey:
There's more evil in the charts than an Al Qaida suggestion box, isn't there really.

Bill Bailey:
Anyone know any famous vegetarians?

Person in crowd:
Gandhi!

Bill Bailey:
Gandhi!

Person in crowd:
Hitler!

Bill Bailey:
Brilliant. This is probably the only sort of scenario where those two names can be shouted out at the same time. Or it could be a pub quiz. Gandhi! Hitler!

Person in crowd:
Linda McCartney!

Bill Bailey:
Linda McCartney! Or it could be a very unusual horse race. Come on Gandhi! Come on Hitler! Who'd call a horse Hitler? Hitler coming up on the right, or is it the left?

Bill Bailey:
Why would we invoke a so-called monotheistic deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Bill Bailey:
[Just for those who want to know what "Three times a lady" sounds like in German] Wann wir sind zusammen / Diese Momenten ich versch?tze / Mit jeden Schlag meines Herzens / Zu ber?hren Sie / zu halten Sie / Abf?hlen Sie / Verlangen Sie / Es gibt nichts, das kann uns aus einander halten / Du bist einmal, zweimal, dreimal eine Dame / Und ich liebe dich / Ja du bist einmal, zweimal, dreimal eine Dame und ich liebe dich.

Bill Bailey:
I'm wearing the Britney style mike, I say Britney, it makes me look like a wizard in a call centre, a Klingon inspirational speaker.

Bill Bailey:
Anyone name some famous vegetarians?

Audience member 1:
Ghandi!

Bill Bailey:
Ghandi.

Audience member 1:
Hitler.

Bill Bailey:
Hitler... This is probably the only scenario where that person can shout out those two words, well maybe at a pub quiz. Maybe that's only scenario it would happen.

Bill Bailey:
Any other negative experiences of Marijuana?

Audience member 2:
[from a distance] VOMIT!

Bill Bailey:
Vomit! It's the one word heckle fantasy tonight, Ghandi, Hitler, Vomit!

Bill Bailey:
[the Ballad] I was alone my heart was cold, it was a stone / my soul was lonely like a stone - there was no moss / And when I danced I danced alone but then I did not dance / because I *was* alone. So I did not dance / I shuffled through life invisible to all the happy couples who would mock me with their merry laughter - "ha-ha-ha" / The only sound I heard in my lonely silent world was the rusty hammer of my heart nailing at the hatred in my soul / But then you came, and my life was turned upside down / You showed me the beauty of the things that I had never seen / Like a snowflake that melts on the eyelash of a startled deer / Or the painting of a dog that wears a deerstalker and smokes a pipe that made you laugh so heartily, but I had previously thought was rubbish / Or the duck that lands so clumsily on a frozen pond in winter / but the intoxicating power of our love transforms this simple act into an anthropomorphic drama where Mr. Duck's embarrassed and the other ducks are laughing, quack quack quack quack quack, / AND THEN YOU LEFT! / And I have died a thousand deaths and I will die a thousand more! / I thought you were an angel - you turned out to be a whore! / And everything has turned to dust! Everything is infected with the plague! / Why did you have to sleep with Craig? / "Oh he's so sensitive, he's got a tattoo." / Yeah, carving your name with a compass in my forehead was not enough for you! / The snow flake on the eye of the deer has turned to puss that oozes from an open wound / The deer now blind it stumbles into a ravine / The duck lies shredded in a pancake, soaking in the hoisin of your lies / The dog has moved from the pipe to 60 cigarettes a day, and coughs away his life in the cold neon research lab of your betrayal.

Bill Bailey:
Just goes to show, vegetarianism not all it's cracked up to be, can in some rare instances lead to genocide.

Bill Bailey:
[song] I texted you on a Monday / But you did not get my text till Tuesday / Because of a network problem / I texted you on a Wednesday But did not know that you'd called / Because your SIM Card was not correctly Installed / Oh, no no no / You texted me on a Thursday To say that you would meet me at the Shopping Centre / And i texted you back and said / "Where should i meet you?" / And you said Dixons But i did not know which Dixons you meant / Was it the one inside the door / Or was it the one further up by Currys /... These are my worries / You texted me on a Monday / To tell me it was over / But i did not understand / Because you used Predictive Text / And it was jrrg gruuh nnmmg guu hmmg doo doo doo...

Bill Bailey:
I suppose I should introduce myself because some of you must be thinking "God, this roadie's a bit up himself. Just a 'one-two, one-two' and a 'done, mate'".

Bill Bailey:
I'm English and as such I crave disappointment.

Bill Bailey:
Little Chefs, originally built on ley lines then the roads came in and connected them up.

Bill Bailey:
Milton Keynes, Satan's layby.

Bill Bailey:
I went to see Metallica - yeah, 'tallica! - and I went to see them at Milton Keynes Bowl. They were being supported by Marilyn Manson - I love Marilyn, Brian? I love Brian, he's great. But anyway what he used to do to get the crowd going was just chant the name of the place over and over. So we were treated to this magnificent spectacle of this eight-foot freak, eyes different colours, wearing a rubber corset, down on one knee shouting "MILTON KEEEEYNES". Stay with me to the grave, that will. [plays guitar] Milton Keynes! Satan's layby!

Bill Bailey:
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Bill Bailey:
N?18, see the Earth from space, conveniently forgetting become an astronaut at some point.

Bill Bailey:
I'd want to put some interesting ones in there, "n?67: lunge wildly at the pope", just to see what would happen.

Bill Bailey:
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Bill Bailey:
[re: the CBS evening news theme] It's like "and now some puppies will lick your face".

Bill Bailey:
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organisation in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Bill Bailey:
[describing his job as a pianist in a hotel reception] I'd be looking around at the clientele thinking "die. die now, you smug bastards".

Bill Bailey:
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Bill Bailey:
I'm like a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat... ironically.

Bill Bailey:
[some questions asked by the Australian immigration officials]... Have you ever made a nest among marshland, have you ever lived for a time as a hermit or wildman?

Bill Bailey:
Thankfully he had an overhead projector with him.

Bill Bailey:
I was at a Whitney Houston gig, it was supposed to start at three, finally at four o'clock she comes on stage and says "I just wanna say, I love each and every one of you" and this big black guy next to me shouts "Sing B*tch!"

Bill Bailey:
I lose commitment in a joke, I'll give you an example. Three men go into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.

George W Bush:
I believe that good will triumph over evil.

Bill Bailey:
Human Rights for Prisoners?

George W Bush:
That's not how we do things in America.

Bill Bailey:
This is how the ITV news theme sounds. [Plays it] See? To me that sounds like "And now some puppies will lick your face". But the BBC News has gone off the other end of the scale into a kind of Apocalyptic Rave.