Birdman

Riggan:
[as Birdman] How did we end up here...This place is horrible...Smells like balls. We don't belong in this shithole. [Riggan's video message on his computer goes off breaking his trance]...(quietly) Sh*t. (Answers the call) Hey, Sam. Hi, hon.

Sam:
Dad, what kind of (Turns to yell at flowershop employee) SHUT UP! What kind of flowers did you say you wanted?

Riggan:
Alchemillas, or something that smells nice...You know, something soothing. Listen I can't...

Sam:
It all smells like f***ing kimchi!

Riggan:
(Sighs) Okay, something that looks nice...You know, anything but roses, okay?

Sam:
I hate this job.

Riggan:
I can't (Call Drops)

Jake:
Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. (Sighs) Guys in publicity, now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. (deep breath) (looks up at Riggan) What are you doing?

Riggan:
(Takes down poster of Birdman) I don't want to look at this anymore.

Jake:
That was a present from the crew. Don't f*** with those guys; they're union.

Riggan:
I don't care.

Jake:
How'd it go?

Riggan:
Good.

Jake:
They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The motherf***er did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital.

Riggan:
What'd you say?

Jake:
What did I say?

Riggan:
(Riggan can't find a good spot for poster) Sh*t. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this?

Jake:
I said, "You motherf***er, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said.

Riggan:
What pictures?

Jake:
He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away.

Riggan:
That's right. That's great.

Jake:
Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing.

Riggan:
What?

Jake:
We don't have an actor.

Riggan:
Uh-huh.

Jake:
And if we cancel the first preview the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all.

Riggan:
Okay, what do you think I should do?

Jake:
Well, we hired an understudy; let's use the understudy.

Riggan:
No.

Jake:
Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know? (Someone knocks on the door)

Lesley:
Can I talk to you for a second?

Riggan:
Yeah, what's up?

Lesley:
Did you find another actor?

Riggan:
No.

Lesley:
Okay, well, Mike's available.

Riggan:
He is?

Lesley:
Mm-hmm.

Jake:
Mike who?

Riggan:
I thought he was doing the thing...

Lesley:
He was...He quit...Or got fired.

Jake:
Mike who?

Riggan:
Which is it, Quit or Fired?

Lesley:
Well, with Mike, it's usually both.

Jake:
Mike f***ing who?

Lesley:
Shiner.

Jake:
YES!

Riggan:
Jake.

Jake:
Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?

Lesley:
We share a vagina.

Riggan:
You think he'd want to do it?

Lesley:
Mm-hmm.

Jake:
How do you know?

Lesley:
Cause he told me he'd want to do it.

Riggan:
Jake, Jake.

Jake:
Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets.

Riggan:
Fine, does he sell tickets?

Jake:
He sells a shitload of tickets.

Riggan:
Okay.

Jake:
Now ask me if the theater critics love him.

Riggan:
Do theater critics love him?

Jake:
They want to spooge on him.

Riggan:
Hey. (Doesn't want Lesley to be offended by language)

Jake:
Lesley.

Lesley:
Right on his face.

Jake:
Everything for a reason, right?

Riggan:
You think he'd come in this evening?

Lesley:
I'll call him and find out.

Jake:
(Kisses Lesley) I'll call his agent. (whispering): Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. (Walks downstairs) Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight.

Annie:
Who?

Jake:
You'll find out.

Mike:
Intimidating, isn't it?...You have any idea the people who have walked on these boards...Before you? Geraldine Page, Helen Hayes, Jason Robards, Marlon Brando and now...Riggan Thomson.

Riggan:
(Chuckling) Yeah. Hey, Thanks for coming in on such short notice, Mike. I Really appreciate it.

Mike:
This is what I do. You wrote this adaptation?

Riggan:
I did, yeah.

Mike:
And you're directing and starring in your adaptation?

Riggan:
I am, yeah.

Mike:
That's ambitious.

Riggan:
Well, Thanks.

Mike:
Well, it's a good theater. I can't speak for your play, but let's,uh, let's do a little bit of it, yeah?

Riggan:
Oh, I didn't expect you to come in and, you know, just jump right in.

Mike:
It's first preview tomorrow night, man. Let's get to work.

Riggan:
Okay, Well, you know, look, you know, feel free to take the script up until you feel comfortable.

Mike:
No, no, no, no let's just...let's just do some of it.

Riggan:
All Right. Okay, uh, hey, take a look at page 20.

Mike:
I'm good; I don't need that.

Riggan:
What?

Mike:
I don't need the script, Just give me a cue.

Riggan:
What are you talking about?

Mike:
Feed me a line.

Riggan:
Well, how-how are you gonna

Mike:
Feed me a line.

Riggan:
Okay, All Right. Okay,uh, let me think. Uh, Yeah, Uh.."Hey I'm the wrong person to ask, okay? I didn't actually know the man. I only heard his name mentioned in passing.

Mike:
Mm-hmm.

Riggan:
I don't know. You'd have to know the particulars, but I think what you're saying is love is absolute.

Mike:
Is that what I'm saying? Am I saying love is absolute?...Yes. Okay, yeah. "The kind of love that I'm talking about is absolute.The kinda love that I'm talking about you don't try to kill people."

Riggan:
How do you know the lines?

Mike:
It's a thing I have, I don't know, it's a gift.

Riggan:
Wow, okay, well that's...

Mike:
(Chuckles) Oh, come on, man. I've been...I've been helping Lesley get off book for like a month.

Riggan:
Oh, right, right.

Mike:
These line are...(Points to his head)

Riggan:
That makes sense.

Mike:
That's good, Give me that cue again.

Riggan:
Okay, Okay, "Hey, I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't actually know the man. I've heard his name mentioned in passing, but, you know, I didn't know. You'd have to know the particulars. I think what your saying though is that...

Mike:
Can I make a suggestion?

Riggan:
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah Sure.

Mike:
I mean, do you mind?

Riggan:
No, no, no, not at all. Not at all.

Mike:
Oh, okay.

Riggan:
Take a look.

Mike:
No, no, for-forget that (Referring to the script)

Riggan:
Okay.

Mike:
Just...Stay with me.

Riggan:
Yeah.

Mike:
I'm the wrong person to ask,"he says,

Riggan:
Right.

Mike:
But what is that?...What's the intention in that?

Riggan:
I think...

Mike:
Is he fed up with the subject, so he's changing it? Is he deflecting guilt over the marriage? And here's the thing, you've got four lines after that...

Riggan:
Right.

Mike:
...that all say the samething. "I didn't even know the man." "I only heard his name mentioned in passing." "I wouldn't know." "You'd have to know the particulars."...And the particulars, I mean, it sounds like my grandmother, but-But the point is...you don't know the guy...

Riggan:
Right.

Mike:
...We f***ing get it...

Riggan:
Yeah.

Mike:
...Make it work with one line. "I didn't even know the man."...Right?

Riggan:
Right...Wait, how do...You know my lines, too, huh?

Mike:
Can we not get hung up on knowing lines?

Riggan:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mike:
Can we just work on this...

Riggan:
Yeah, yeah, right, right.

Mike:
Tear it apart, whatever? So why don't you just give me that samething again but cut it down.

Riggan:
Uh-huh.

Mike:
Try it.

Riggan:
Okay.

Mike:
Just try it.

Riggan:
Uh..."Hey, I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't actually know the guy."

Mike:
OH!NO! But that's the thing, see? "I'm the wrong person to ask." What is it?...I think it's "f*** you." F*** you. Don't put me on the spot, man. Don't make me feel self-conscious about my marriage while my wife is sitting...(pointing to table seats)

Riggan:
Right there

Mike:
...Right there.

Riggan:
Yeah.

Mike:
Can I sit down?

Riggan:
Yeah, sit, sit. Good idea

Mike:
Okay. Thanks.

Riggan:
Yeah.

Mike:
So just give it to me as a "f*** you."

Riggan:
Alright.

Mike:
Try it, lay it on me.

Riggan:
Well, I'm thinking...

Mike:
Let's just do it.

Riggan:
Yeah.

Mike:
Give it to me. F*** me hard.

Riggan:
Right.

Mike:
Just give it...

Riggan:
Okay.

Mike:
COME ON! DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! JUST F***ING DO IT (Slams hands on table)

Riggan:
"HEY, I'M THE WRONG PERSON TO ASK! ALRIGHT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY, OKAY? WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

Mike:
What's my point?

Riggan:
YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR POINT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? SPIT IT OUT.

Mike:
Oh! Oh!

Riggan:
YOU'RE SAYING WHAT? What are you saying? You're saying love is absolute.

Mike:
YES! YES! THE KIND OF LOVE THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, IT IS ABSOLUTE! THE KIND OF LOVE THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT...you don't (Slams his hand on the table and Fains crying)...You don't try to kill people.

Riggan:
...Yeah. Good.

Mike:
I don't know what do you think Boss? You want to do this...with me?

Riggan:
Wow. Okay. (Point's to Sam) What do you think?

Sam:
Everybody's back. Larry needs to see him for a fitting.

Mike:
I'll take that as a yes.

Lesley:
Why don't I have any self-respect?

Laura:
You're an actress.

Mike:
Does she speak?

Sam:
She does. Yeah, she can sit, stay, and roll over if you have any treats.

Riggan:
Listen to me. I'm trying to do something important.

Sam:
This is not important.

Riggan:
It's important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me... To me... this is - God. This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something.

Sam:
Means something to who? You had a career before the third comic book movie, before people began to forget who was inside the bird costume. You're doing a play based on a book that was written 60 years ago, for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it's over. And let's face it, Dad, you're not doing this for the sake of art. You're doing this, because you wanna feel relevant again. Well guess what, there's an entire world out there where people fight to be relevant every single day. And you act like it doesn't exist! Things are happening in a place that you ignore, a place that, by the way, has already forgotten about you. I mean, who the f*** are you? You hate bloggers. You mock Twitter. You don't even have a Facebook page. You're the one who doesn't exist. You're doing this because you're scared to death, like the rest of us, that you don't matter. And you know what? You're right. You don't. It's not important, okay? You're not important. Get used to it. [long pause] Dad...

Sam:
Truth or dare?

Mike:
Truth.

Sam:
You're boring.

Mike:
No, truth is always interesting.

Riggan Thomson:
[as Birdman] How did we end up here? This place is horrible. Smells like balls.

Riggan Thomson:
[as Birdman] It's a beautiful day. Forget about the Times... everyone else has. Come on. Stand up! So you're not a great actor. Who cares? You're much more than that. You tower over these other theater douchebags. You're a movie star, man! You're a global force! Don't you get it? You spent your life building a bank account and a reputation... and you blew 'em both. Good for you. F*** it. We'll make a comeback. They're waiting for something huge. Well, give it to them. Shave off that pathetic goatee. Get some surgery! Sixty's the new thirty, motherf***er. You're the original. You paved the way for these other clowns. Give the people what they want... old-fashioned apocalyptic porn. Birdman: The Phoenix Rises. Pimple-faced gamers creaming in their pants. A billion worldwide, guaranteed. You are larger than life, man. You save people from their boring, miserable lives. You make them jump, laugh, sh*t their pants. All you have to do is...

Riggan Thomson:
[as Birdman] That's what I'm talking about. Bones rattling! Big, loud, fast! Look at these people, at their eyes... they're sparkling. They love this sh*t. They love blood. They love action. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit. Yes. And the next time you screech, it'll explode into millions of eardrums. You'll glimmer on thousands of screens around the globe. Another blockbuster. You are a god. See? There you go, you motherf***er. Gravity doesn't even apply to you. Wait till you see the faces of those who thought we were finished. Listen to me. Let's go back one more time and show them what we're capable of. We have to end it on our own terms... with a grand gesture. Flames. Sacrifice. Icarus. You can do it. You hear me? You are... Birdman!

Riggan Thomson:
I'm nothing. I'm not even here.

Mike Shiner:
Popularity is the slutty little cousin of prestige.

Mike Shiner:
Leslie, play with my balls.