Birdman2014

Jake:
Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. (Sighs) Guys in publicity, now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. (deep breath) (looks up at Riggan) What are you doing?

Riggan:
(Takes down poster of Birdman) I don't want to look at this anymore.

Jake:
That was a present from the crew. Don't f*** with those guys; they're union.

Riggan:
I don't care.

Jake:
How'd it go?

Riggan:
Good.

Jake:
They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The motherf***er did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital.

Riggan:
What'd you say?

Jake:
What did I say?

Riggan:
(Riggan can't find a good spot for poster) Sh*t. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this?

Jake:
I said, "You motherf***er, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said.

Riggan:
What pictures?

Jake:
He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away.

Riggan:
That's right. That's great.

Jake:
Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing.

Riggan:
What?

Jake:
We don't have an actor.

Riggan:
Uh-huh.

Jake:
And if we cancel the first preview the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all.

Riggan:
Okay, what do you think I should do?

Jake:
Well, we hired an understudy; let's use the understudy.

Riggan:
No.

Jake:
Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know? (Someone knocks on the door)

Lesley:
Can I talk to you for a second?

Riggan:
Yeah, what's up?

Lesley:
Did you find another actor?

Riggan:
No.

Lesley:
Okay, well, Mike's available.

Riggan:
He is?

Lesley:
Mm-hmm.

Jake:
Mike who?

Riggan:
I thought he was doing the thing...

Lesley:
He was...He quit...Or got fired.

Jake:
Mike who?

Riggan:
Which is it, Quit or Fired?

Lesley:
Well, with Mike, it's usually both.

Jake:
Mike f***ing who?

Lesley:
Shiner.

Jake:
YES!

Riggan:
Jake.

Jake:
Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?

Lesley:
We share a vagina.

Riggan:
You think he'd want to do it?

Lesley:
Mm-hmm.

Jake:
How do you know?

Lesley:
Cause he told me he'd want to do it.

Riggan:
Jake, Jake.

Jake:
Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets.

Riggan:
Fine, does he sell tickets?

Jake:
He sells a shitload of tickets.

Riggan:
Okay.

Jake:
Now ask me if the theater critics love him.

Riggan:
Do theater critics love him?

Jake:
They want to spooge on him.

Riggan:
Hey. (Doesn't want Lesley to be offended by language)

Jake:
Lesley.

Lesley:
Right on his face.

Jake:
Everything for a reason, right?

Riggan:
You think he'd come in this evening?

Lesley:
I'll call him and find out.

Jake:
(Kisses Lesley) I'll call his agent. (whispering): Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. (Walks downstairs) Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight.

Annie:
Who?

Jake:
You'll find out.