Blade: Trinity

Jarko Grimwood:
Hey, d*ckhead. Have you seen my dog?

Hannibal King:
Have you checked the lobby?

Hannibal King:
Unlike other vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina.

Hannibal King:
Okay, moving on...

Hannibal King:
I had a lot of sugar this morning.

Hedges:
Dracula probably has thousands of tiny bones in his body, sort of like a snake...

Hannibal King:
Let me ask you one question: Have you ever been laid?

Hedges:
Yes, many times. Many times. With ladies.

Hannibal King:
You stay here, kitten. I'm gonna get some help.

Danica Talos:
The world's changed since your time. The humans have a new hunter... Blade.

Abraham Whistler:
Congratulations, you're famous. Somebody nailed us. Faces all over the papers, televisions. Media's eating it up.

Blade:
Like I care.

Abraham Whistler:
Well, you should. Somethin' like this, takin' out a human, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, you're public enemy #1.

Blade:
Didn't notice it was a popularity contest.

Special Agent Ray Comblin:
Say Blade, how many people have you killed? 30? 40? 50?

Blade:
1182, but they were all familiars

Blade:
You're not immortal. I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.

Hannibal King:
Which means the fat lady should be singing right... about... NOW!

Hannibal King:
Oh, this is awkward.

Hannibal King:
Anyone have a cell phone?

Danica Talos:
Enough! It's not funny anymore!

Hannibal King:
No it's not, you horse-humping b*tch!

Danica Talos:
Enough! It's not funny anymore!

Hannibal King:
No, it's not, you horse-humping b*tch! But it will be in a few seconds from now. See, that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now... that's atomized colloidal silver, it's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!

Hannibal King:
Gonna be sorry you did that.

Asher Talos:
Why? Nobody's coming for you Kingshit.

Hannibal King:
Sure they are. God- see, one of the things you f***heads need to know aobut us Nightstalkers is that when you join our club, you get all sorts of groovy door prizes, and one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body.

Jarko Grimwood:
Bullshit.

Hannibal King:
Yeah, see, when one of us goes missing the others, they just dial up the satellite... which is in space. And then presto. Instant cavalry.

Hannibal King:
You like that huh?

Danica Talos:
Okay King, where is this tracking node of yours?

Hannibal King:
It's in my left ass cheek.

Hannibal King:
Fine. It's in my right ass cheek.

Hannibal King:
Okay, I'm - okay, seriously now. It's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo.

Hannibal King:
Seriously, just pull down my tighty-whities and see for yourself.

Hannibal King:
What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Abigail Whistler:
Shut up King.

Hannibal King:
See you in 28 days.

Hannibal King:
So, can we sign you up for one of our Nightstalkers secret decoder rings?

Blade:
Open it.

Chief Martin Vreede:
I can't, they'll kill me.

Blade:
Kill you? Motherf***er I'LL kill you! I'll just enjoy it better.

Hannibal King:
You made a goddamn vampire pomeranian?

Hannibal King:
You cock-juggling thundercunt!

Zoe:
Why do you do that?

Blade:
There's bad stuff inside me, this keeps it from getting out.

Zoe:
Why can't you just be nice?

Blade:
Because the world isn't nice.

Hannibal King:
We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.

Blade:
Sounds like a reject from a Saturday morning cartoon.

Hannibal King:
Well, we were going to go with the Care Bears, but that was taken.

Hannibal King:
I just have two things to say to you. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. And two, I ate a bunch of garlic and I just farted. Silent but deadly.

Dracula:
Are you ready to die Blade?

Blade:
I was born ready motherf***er!

Dracula:
Motherf***er... I like that.

Dr. Edgar Vance:
How about the president? You know who that is. Who's in the White House right now?

Blade:
An a**hole.

Hannibal King:
Welcome to the honeycomb hideout.

Blade:
How do you bankroll this operation?

Hannibal King:
I date a lot of older men.

Hannibal King:
Hey Blade, I got a question for you. Let's say we succeed in wiping out all the vampires. What then, huh? Ever ask yourself that? I mean, somehow I don't picture you teaching kara-tay at the local "Y".

[Blade walks away]

Hannibal King:
He hates me, doesn't he?

Abigail Whistler:
Yeah.

Dracula:
[Holding a baby over the edge of a tall building] Careful, Daywalker. They've told me so much about you.

Blade:
Why'd you kill Vance?

Dracula:
He'd outlived his purpose. He died a good death. Quick. Clean.

Blade:
I wouldn't know.

Dracula:
You will.

Blade:
How are you able to survive in sunlight?

Dracula:
Haven't you read Stoker's fable? I was the very first vampire. I am unique.

Dracula:
Look at them. Scurrying around like insects. They don't know what it's like to be immortal, or living by the sword.

Blade:
You're not immortal. I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.

Dracula:
Perhaps I will too, then, but I think it is more likely the next time we meet, you'll fall before mine.

Hannibal King:
Did you see that guy? We're gonna lose, man! [Abigail takes the stake from his shoulder] God! We're going to f***ing lose! What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Abigail:
Shut up, King.

Hannibal King:
"See you in 28 days." [laughs, Abigail holds out a vial] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?

Abigail Whistler:
It's an elastic protein. It's going to stop the hemmorhaging.

Hannibal King:
Is it going to hurt?

Abigail Whistler:
… Yeah, it's going to sting a little.

Hannibal King:
Really?

[Abigail sprays a thick, white substance onto the wound]

Hannibal King:
F***... me! [screams]

[Blade has just killed the vampire meeting Chief Vreede after she refuses to open a warehouse door]

Blade:
Now, what's behind Door Number One?

Chief Martin Vreede:
I can't tell you. They-they'll kill me.

Blade:
"Kill you"? Motherf***er, I'll kill you! [grabs Vreede by his jacket collar] I'll just enjoy it better.

[A Pomeranian is licking King's ear]

Hannibal King:
Back off, pooch.

[The dog exposes its Reaper-like jaws and tongue]

Hannibal King:
[stands] Jesus Christ! What the f***?!

Asher Talos:
[picks up the dog] Good dog.

Hannibal King:
What the f***?!

Asher Talos:
His name's Pac-Man. We've been porting the vampire gene into other species. Experimenting.

Hannibal King:
You made a goddamn vampire … Pomeranian?

Asher Talos:
Yeah. [hands Pac-Man to Jarko Grimwood]

Jarko Grimwood:
Precious, isn't he?

Hannibal King:
Well, that depends who you ask, because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.

Jarko Grimwood:
And when the f*** did you see my dick, fuckface?! [kicks King]

Hannibal King:
Ow! I was talking … to her! [points to Danica Talos]

Danica Talos:
Poor King. You look so … distraught! [kicks him] Asher, hand me that chair. [sits in the chair and licks one of King's wounds] You're tasting a little bland, lover. Are you getting enough fatty acids in your diet? Have you tried … Lake Trout? Mackerel?

Hannibal King:
How about you take a sugar-frosted f*** off the end of my dick?

Danica Talos:
And how about everyone not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy. Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's planning?

Hannibal King:
I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is … ridiculous. And two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. [whispers] Silent but deadly.

Jarko Grimwood:
[grabs King] Spit it out, you f***ing fruitcake!

Hannibal King:
All right! F***! I'll tell you about the weapon! [Grimwood releases him] It's a new flavor-crystal formula. Twice the chocolaty goodness, half the calories, plus it helps prevent tooth decay; there, I said it.

Dracula:
Do you know who I am?

Zoe:
You're the Nome King.

Dracula:
Ah. The Nome King. How sweet. Tell me, child, do you want to die?

Zoe:
I'm not afraid. I'll go to heaven.

Dracula:
There is no heaven. No God, no angels. The only thing in your future is nothingness. But what if you could change that? What if you could remain a child forever? Wouldn't you like that? Wouldn't you accept that gift?

Zoe:
[calmly] My friends are coming to kill you.

Hannibal King:
You're gonna be sorry you did that.

Asher Talos:
Why? [kicks him] No one's coming for you, King Sh*t.

Hannibal King:
Sure they are. See, when you join our club, you get all these groovy little door prizes. And one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body. That way, if one of us goes missing, the others check the satelite, which is in space, and presto: instant cavalry. [Asher starts mockingly clapping] You like that, huh? Go f*** your sister.

Jarko Grimwood:
Yeah. [hits King in the back of the head]

Danica Talos:
Okay, King. Where's this little "tracking node" of yours?

Hannibal King:
It's in my left ass cheek. [Danica slaps him] Fine. It's in my right ass cheek. [Danica slaps him] Okay, seriously, now: it's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo. [Danica kicks him in the groin] Seriously, just pull down my tightie-whities and see for yourself …

Danica Talos:
Enough! It's not funny anymore.

Hannibal King:
No, it's not, you horse-humping b*tch! But it will be a few seconds from now. See that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now? [Asher and Danica both have trouble breathing, and Jarko coughs explosively] It's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning systems, you cock-juggling thundercunt! [Jarko coughs a fire ball] Which means the fat lady... should be singing... right... about... now! [nothing happens] Huh, this is awkward. [still nothing] Do you have a cell phone?

[King laughs after causing Pac-Man and two rotweiler vampire dogs to fall to their deaths in the loby. Falls through broken skylight. Sees Jarko standing above him]

Jarko Grimmwood:
Hey, dickface. You seen my dog?

Hannibal King:
Have you tried the lobby? [Grimmwood grabs him by the throat] Thank you. [Grimmwood throws him against a wall] F*** …

Jarko Grimmwood:
Come on, King.

Hannibal King:
… this.

Drake:
Blade. Ready to die?

Blade:
[unsheathes his sword] I was born ready, motherf***er.

Drake:
"Motherf***er". I like that.

Asher Talos:
We got caught with our pants down

Jarko Grimmwood:
Pants down? They pretty much f***ing ass-raped us!

[Alternate ending; all of the vampires are extinct, King and Caulder enter a casino in Hong Kong.]

Hannibal King:
Hey, Dmitri. Nice hat.

Dmitri:
King, what the hell are you doing here?

Hannibal King:
Uh, just a little sport hunting.

Dmitri:
Ain't no more vampires left, King. So, who do you want to hunt?

Hannibal King:
Well, that is a great question, my friend. And I got one for you. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a werewolf? You get a fur coat...

[Abby crashes through a window and lands on a craps table.]

Hannibal King:
...that sticks to your neck.

Abigail Whistler:
Found him.

[All three Nightstalkers draw their weapons as a werewolf emerges from the crowd.]

Hannibal King:
Don't you know that fur is murder?

[BLAM!]

Blade:
[a cell phone rings while he is holding a familiar upside-down] Oh, it's you!

Blade:
[To a baby] Cootchie-Coo.

Blade:
So the movies are true.

Blade:
[To a familiar] Go. You've got twenty seconds. [The familiar runs] Twenty. [Shoots him]

Blade:
[Looking at Hannibal King's sticker, "Hello my name is F*** YOU"] Is that supposed to be tactical?

Blade:
[crashes out a fourth story window and lands smoothly on the ground] Forgot my sword.

Hannibal King:
[first lines, v.o.] In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy manages to save the day at the last moment with crosses and holy water. But everyone knows the movies are full of sh*t. The truth is, it began with Blade, and it ended with Blade. The rest of us were just along for the ride.

Hannibal King:
I picked Danica up in a bar, spent the next five years playing hide-and-go-suck as her little vampire cabana boy. Eventually Abigail found me, Sommerfield managed to treat me with a cure, and now I kill them. And that's basically turning a frown upside down.

Hannibal King:
[After watching Blade casually kill a familiar] You know, one of these days, you might want to consider sitting down with someone. You know, have a little share time? Get in touch with your inner child? Also – just a thought – but you just might want to consider blinking once in a while. [Blade stops and slowly turns to look at Hannibal] Sorry. I, uh … I ate a lot of sugar today.

Hannibal King:
[Walking down hallway and coming across vampire Pomeranian] F*** me. [two vampire rottweilers show up] F*** me sideways!

Hannibal King:
[Danica lies dying of the Daystar Virus] Hang in there kitten, I'll get help.

Hannibal King:
[Last lines, original ending] And Blade? The virus didn't kill him. Because he was a hybrid, his heart never stopped beating. It simply slowed down. And so, he slept, waiting for the moment when he can walk the Earth again.

Hannibal King:
[Last lines] And Drake's final gift... Let's just say the FBI got their body... just wasn't the one they were banking on. Blade was still out there somewhere, doing what he did best. He was a weapon. His life was a war. And everybody knows the war never ends.

Danica Talos:
F***ING HANNIBAL KING! I should have ripped his bleeding heart out when I had the chance!

Dracula/Drake:
There is an old saying: kill one man, you're a murderer. Kill a million, a king. Kill them all, a god.

Dracula/Drake:
[To Blade in his true form] Are you ready to die, "motherf***er"?

Dracula/Drake:
[Last words] Funny, isn't it? My people were trying to create a new kind of vampire, when one already exists. I don't need to survive. The future of our race rests with you. You fought with honor. I respect that. So, allow me a parting gift. But know this: sooner, or later, the thirst always wins.

About:
Here's what I'll say about Blade: Trinity. If you watch - and by the way, I'm friends with the writer director, and he agrees with me on this. If you just sit and watch Blade: Trinity, it's a D-minus. It just doesn't work. But if you know what they went through to get that movie made. It is an A-plus. The fact that movie exists puts it above Citizen Kane. The fact that with all the craziness that went down. We were in Vancouver and Wesley Snipes was going crazy and he wouldn't come out of his trailer, and you'd walk by his trailer and this wall of pot stench would just be like "Whoa!" and kinda push you to the side, and then he would only answer to the name 'Blade', you couldn't call him. After awhile, he would communicate with post-its that he would give to the director, and each one he would sign "Blade".