Blade: Trinity

Blade: Trinity

Even skeptical fans of the Blade franchise will enjoy sinking their teeth into Blade: Trinity. The law of diminishing returns is in full effect here, and the franchise is wearing out its welcome, but let's face it: any movie that features Jessica Biel as an ass-kicking vampire slayer and Parker Posey--yes, Parker Posey!--as a vamping vampire villainess can't be all bad, right? Those lovely ladies bring equal measures of relief and grief to Blade, the half-human, half-vampire once again played, with tongue more firmly in stone-cold cheek, by Wesley Snipes. With series writer David S. Goyer in the director's chair, the film is calculated for mainstream appeal, trading suspenseful horror for campy humor and choppy, nonsensical action. The franchise still offers some intriguing ideas, however, including Drake (Dominic Purcell), the original vampire, whose blood contains the secret that could destroy all blood-suckers in a plot that incorporates a sinister "blood farm" where humans are held--and drained--in suspended animation. And Biel's wise-cracking sidekick (Ryan Reynolds) in her cadre of "Nightstalkers" provides comic relief in a series that's grown increasingly dour. All of which makes Blade: Trinity a love-it-or-hate-it sequel... supposedly the last in a trilogy, but the ending suggests otherwise. --Jeff Shannon

Production: New Line Cinema
  1 nomination.
 
IMDB:
5.9
Metacritic:
38
Rotten Tomatoes:
25%
R
Year:
2004
113
$52,400,000
Website
9,170 Views
The final hunt begins.
He fought the forces of darkness alone … until now.

[A Pomeranian is licking King's ear]

Hannibal King:
Back off, pooch.

[The dog exposes its Reaper-like jaws and tongue]

Hannibal King:
[stands] Jesus Christ! What the f***?!

Asher Talos:
[picks up the dog] Good dog.

Hannibal King:
What the f***?!

Asher Talos:
His name's Pac-Man. We've been porting the vampire gene into other species. Experimenting.

Hannibal King:
You made a goddamn vampire … Pomeranian?

Asher Talos:
Yeah. [hands Pac-Man to Jarko Grimwood]

Jarko Grimwood:
Precious, isn't he?

Hannibal King:
Well, that depends who you ask, because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.

Jarko Grimwood:
And when the f*** did you see my dick, fuckface?! [kicks King]

Hannibal King:
Ow! I was talking … to her! [points to Danica Talos]

Danica Talos:
Poor King. You look so … distraught! [kicks him] Asher, hand me that chair. [sits in the chair and licks one of King's wounds] You're tasting a little bland, lover. Are you getting enough fatty acids in your diet? Have you tried … Lake Trout? Mackerel?

Hannibal King:
How about you take a sugar-frosted f*** off the end of my dick?

Danica Talos:
And how about everyone not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy. Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's planning?

Hannibal King:
I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is … ridiculous. And two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. [whispers] Silent but deadly.

Jarko Grimwood:
[grabs King] Spit it out, you f***ing fruitcake!

Hannibal King:
All right! F***! I'll tell you about the weapon! [Grimwood releases him] It's a new flavor-crystal formula. Twice the chocolaty goodness, half the calories, plus it helps prevent tooth decay; there, I said it.

Hannibal King:
You're gonna be sorry you did that.

Asher Talos:
Why? [kicks him] No one's coming for you, King Sh*t.

Hannibal King:
Sure they are. See, when you join our club, you get all these groovy little door prizes. And one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body. That way, if one of us goes missing, the others check the satelite, which is in space, and presto: instant cavalry. [Asher starts mockingly clapping] You like that, huh? Go f*** your sister.

Jarko Grimwood:
Yeah. [hits King in the back of the head]

Danica Talos:
Okay, King. Where's this little "tracking node" of yours?

Hannibal King:
It's in my left ass cheek. [Danica slaps him] Fine. It's in my right ass cheek. [Danica slaps him] Okay, seriously, now: it's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo. [Danica kicks him in the groin] Seriously, just pull down my tightie-whities and see for yourself …

Danica Talos:
Enough! It's not funny anymore.

Hannibal King:
No, it's not, you horse-humping b*tch! But it will be a few seconds from now. See that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now? [Asher and Danica both have trouble breathing, and Jarko coughs explosively] It's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning systems, you cock-juggling thundercunt! [Jarko coughs a fire ball] Which means the fat lady... should be singing... right... about... now! [nothing happens] Huh, this is awkward. [still nothing] Do you have a cell phone?


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