Blubberella

Doctor Mangler:
Did it move like a vampire?

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
I didn't see her, but from all accounts, it moved like a slow tornado.

Blubberella:
[from trailer] [as Blubberella is surrounded by Nazis] Is that Hitler? [Nazis turn to look as Blubberella runs away]

Doctor Mangler:
Nosferatu! Dracula! Blade! Blade 2! Dark Shadows! No, Dark Shadows was a Soap Opera.

Blubberella:
Time to kill some Nazis!

[first lines]

Blubberella:
[voice-over] Hi, everybody! I'm Blubberella and I'm a superhero. Yes, I am. Stop laughing. I hope you're not seated too close to the screen because then you'll be in my splash zone! Here are some facts about me. I'm 800 years old. In my last high school I was voted mostly likely to marry a black man.

[she enters a large walk-in freezer]

Blubberella:
Oooo! This is my most favorite part of my house. I'm running a little low on processed meats. Okay, listen... don't judge me. You try living and being mocked for being half-human and half-vampire and not fitting in... cars, airplane seats, etc. Once I was stuck in Ferris wheel for eight hours. My good friend Sigmund Freud said that the experience didn't scar me too much. He said that I replaced sex with food. But then he raped me so that pretty much shot that feeling.

Blubberella:
I don't really like to play with my food.

The Commandant:
Where did you get that outfit? The fashion institute for the blind? Very funny!

Blubberella:
No. Don't joke because Germans are known for their sense of humor.

The Commandant:
Germans are VERY funny! Now, who shall I say has the honor of besting me today?

Blubberella:
[tired] I'm the Dhaphir. Half-human, half-vampire. Like killing you is any honor.

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
[looking at the vampire creature on the slab] That's a vampire?

Doctor Mangler:
Indeed. A night patrol caught is scrounging near the west fence a couple of nights ago. I believe it was a Gypsy, or even a movie critic at one time. But they don't get out much.

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
I've never met a movie critic before.

Doctor Mangler:
Which is why your alive. You see, this creature no longer has any bonds to the morality of man. But you never trust a vampire.

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
Must you savage him in my presence?

Doctor Mangler:
I brought Churchill down here a couple of times and he didn't seem to mind. I'm just testing it's resiliency. And this is very resilient creature!

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
I have no authority in these matters, but I will not stand idly by while you kill that creature or Elvis impersonator as part of some mandated experiment of yours.

Doctor Mangler:
The fascinating caviar Lieutenant is that they're very difficult to kill. Only by stake, fire, holy water, or watching Rocky sequels. The vampire will stay responsive forever. The marvel of science. And I'm onto something really big.

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
How big?

Doctor Mangler:
I think I can make Hitler immortal.

Lt. Caspar Jaeger:
Great. Anyway, there has been an incident. Pack a travel bag and we go to Disneyland in 20 minutes.

Doctor Mangler:
Oh, no, no! I'm doing my taxes!

Nathaniel Gregor:
I certainly would have remembered you from the resistance fighter meetings. I would have brought the cookies, but I fear you would have eaten them all.

Blubberella:
Cookies?

Nathaniel Gregor:
I'm Nathaniel. You've already met my partner Vadge.

Blubberella:
Oh... partners.

Nathaniel Gregor:
I've never seen anybody move like you do. Like a caged rhino who hasn't been fed in weeks. Curious thing is I'm not so sure you are a girl.

Blubberella:
What the f***'s that supposed to mean?

Nathaniel Gregor:
You're her, aren't you. The Dhaphir?

Vadge:
She kind of moves like a watermelon.

Nathaniel Gregor:
I would really like to talk to you.

Blubberella:
Well, if your men would get their phallic symbols out of my face, I guess you can buy me dinner.

Nathaniel Gregor:
Where's the Commandant?

Blubberella:
An appetizer.

Vadge:
You think you're special cause your the Dhaphir? [mocks Blubberella] Oh, I'm the Dhaphir. You ain't precious, you're average! Precious! [throws bread at Blubberella]

Blubberella:
[Drops egg on floor] Oops.

Vadge:
Now who's gonna clean all that motherf***in' mess up? I just got new linoleum!

Blubberella:
[Refuses to pick up egg] Uh...

Vadge:
I know you're just gonna leave that on the floor.

Blubberella:
I'll get it momma!

Vadge:
[stands up] Now!

Blubberella:
I'll get it when I wanna get it.

Vadge:
You'll get it when you wanna get it?

Blubberella:
Yeah.

Vadge:
Is this your house? You think you're a grown-ass vampire cause you gave it up to your little cootchie pie? Well you ain't no grown-ass vampire! You're average! Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me b*tch? [hits Blubberella with a pan] I guess I didn't hit you hard enough! [picks up a turkey leg] Come get a snack b*tch, come on!