Blue Mountain State

Thad Castle:
The sight of your awesome b*obs disgusts me!

Thad Castle:
Just a heads up ladies, I'm beaver-free until further notice. So don't try to seduce me with your knockers, it won't work. You're dismissed.

Thad Castle:
When I was on beaver, I used to do very bad things. You guys know. Most of you were there for it.

Harmon Tedesco:
It's only been 24 hours for me, but I already feel my balls getting heavier. And, I'm afraid that's gonna effect my kicking.

Radon Randell:
I'm having serious concerns that if I have to go through this for even one more day, my balls are gon' straight up eat each other.

Harmon Tedesco:
Screw it, I'll go again. I... used to masturbate exclusively with motor oil. Yeah, I was that guy.

Thad Castle:
Get your pretty faces away from me! I'm going top three!

Coach Marty Daniels:
What did I just say on the bus?

Alex Moran:
That we're here?

Harmon Tedesco:
I used to masturbate exclusively with motor oil... Yeah, I was that guy.

Radon Randell:
Look, man, I'm just here to make my mark, let everybody in this school know that I'm the sh*t and they 'bout to smell it!

Mary Jo Cacciatore:
I've changed a lot, Alex. I used to not have b*obs, but now... I have them.

Alex Moran:
Yes, I'm looking right at them.

Radon Randell:
I sleep in there, party in there, I do whatever in there, baby. It's my hyperbolic chamber, man. Know what I'm saying? It gets your platelet levels going, and your hemoglobins and your DNA and sh*t. TO got one, man!

Coach Jon Jon Hendrix:
It's not a gay thing.

Coach Marty Daniels:
There's no way two guys getting married is not a gay thing!

Thad Castle:
Now that we're bros, does that mean I'm half-black?

Coach Jon Jon:
I don't like it when you call my house in the middle of the night... tell my wife to wake me up... just so we can talk about stuff that we can talk about tomorrow.

Coach Marty Daniels:
I don't do that.

Thad Castle:
Yes! Upper class-men win another!

Alex Moran:
You didn't even measure that one.

Thad Castle:
I measured with my dick!

Alex Moran:
Police.

Thad Castle:
What? Someone called the police! Sh*t! Someone called the police! Larry, police!

Larry:
POLICE!

Thad Castle:
Come on, guys! We're going to play football! No teams!

Harmon Tedesco:
Uh, I'm pretty sure you need two teams to play football, fellas, know what I'm sayin'?

Sammy Cacciatore:
I wish I could rip my arms off and give them to you so you can call me sometime.

Monica:
My phone voice-dials.

Sammy Cacciatore:
Even better!

Thad Castle:
The teacher's become the master.

Harmon Tedesco:
What?

Thad Castle:
I said the teacher's become the blaster.

Harmon Tedesco:
I literally have no idea what you're trying to say me right now, man.

Larry:
I once told Thad a secret and he told my dad the next day.

Thad Castle:
How is being impotent a secret, Larry?

Larry:
Thadddd!

Harmon Tedesco:
Oh, I don't know, I kind of like the music and the jazzz... flutes.

Donnie Schrab:
Could have something to do with the acid you took earlier.

Radon Randell:
Aw, naw! I don't take naps, man. I don't trust 'em!

Alex Moran:
Really?

Radon Randell:
I had a bad experience.

Thad Castle:
Get this guy a jockstrap and a cookie!

Coach Marty Daniels:
Once upon a time, some weak, pathetic p*ssy coined the phrase, "Winning isn't everything." But, for most people in most situations, he was right. But, I'm not one of those people and this is not one of those situations.

Alex Moran:
Backup QB is the best position in sports. Fact: I get drunk all the time. I don't have to show up to class; and it's just like being a real QB but without all the pain.

Thad Castle:
I'm going to go bone!

Larry:
Booyah!

Harmon Tedesco:
I just had a brainstorm. What if we kill the professor? If your teacher dies, they have to give you all 'A's. It's the law.

Doctor:
Are you at least having sex with these women?

Sammy Cacciatore:
No.

Harmon Tedesco:
That is how I find out raw eggs work as well as any sexual lubricant, men. [shrugging with a smug grin] It was a happy accident.

Thad Castle:
Oil changes for everybody! Ha!

Harmon Tedesco:
I did some uppers and then I did some downers. Annnnnnd then I chased the dragon. Not proud of that.

Harmon Tedesco:
I did some uppers annnd then I did some downers. Annnnnnd then I chased the dragon. Not proud of that.

Craig Shilo:
Harmon! Seriously? You couldn't wait three days?

Harmon Tedesco:
It's cleaner. It's just how I prefer to take it.

Alex Moran:
Does it do anything?

Harmon Tedesco:
I feel pretty light headed right now, yeah.

Thad Castle:
Okay, I'm sure a lot of you are freaking out about the drug test, well take a chill pill; they don't test for those.

Alex Moran:
Wait, I'm not freaking out. I mean, it's just beer and weed for me, so uh, I just need a whole lot of water and tartar sauce.

Thad Castle:
Tartar sauce?

Harmon Tedesco:
No man, tartar sauce is for coke. Orange juice and cat sh*t; that's for weed.

Donnie Schrab:
Nah, cat sh*t's for meth. Tartar sauce is for opium.

Thad Castle:
Tartar sauce is for fish sticks!

Thad Castle:
Every time I sink my humongous *DICK* into this “piece of plastic”... I remember my dad

Donnie:
It's like doing a velvet bag of puppy ears!

Denise Roy:
Craig, I'm gonna ask you one time and one time only: Is that a pocket p*ssy behind your back?

Craig Shilo:
Um, no!

Denise Roy:
Oh my... a WHITE pocket p*ssy, Craig.

Harmon Tedesco:
Well it can't be mine, right?

Pauline the Cougar:
Harmon! You can't get pregnant in the butt!

Harmon Tedesco:
Just double checkin'. See ya later, suckers.

Donnie Schrab:
Well it can't be mine, right?

Pauline the Cougar:
Harmon! You can't get pregnant in the butt!

Donnie Schrab:
Just double checkin'. See ya later, suckers.

Harmon Tedesco:
I only do it in the butt, cause then girls can't get pregnant that way. [looks towards Alex] Right?

Alex Moran:
[Nodding] Yeah.

Transvestite Prostitute:
I may suck cock for crack, but at the end of the day, I lay in my bed right with God.

Harmon Tedesco:
No man. I've got the same ritual since I was twelve years old. First thing I wake up, smell my balls. Then I get out of bed, do 17 minutes of a form of naked TaiChi I created; I like to leave the blinds up so the neighbors can watch. Then once I feel adequately limber and the neighbors have gotten their money's worth, I smoke a sh*t load of grade-A hash and call my mom.

Harmon Tedesco:
Drop your c*cks and gather the troops! I need your help.

Larry:
You never know, some guys might just get off fingering other guys' asses.

Thad Castle:
Which one of you a**holes stuck his finger in my a**hole?

Thad Castle:
I will have my friend, Larry, here, stick his fingers so far up your ass your breathe will smell like Larry's fingers.

Thad Castle:
I wouldn't touch my a**hole with Larry's finger!

Coach Marty Daniels:
Did Romanski teach them that?

Coach Jon Jon:
Nope.

Coach Marty Daniels:
That's brilliant!

Thad Castle:
Twist left! Twist left! Great job, Larry!

Larry:
Focus, Thad!

BMS Cheerleader #1 - Kate:
Sammy, we would love it if you showered with us.

Sammy Cacciatore:
Again?

Radon Randell:
Ah, sh*t! Thad's blitzin'! Thad's blitzin'!

Radon Randell:
I never stick my finger up nobody's ass but my own... and a flight attendant once, but that was because of turbulence.

Harmon Tedesco:
I like to smell my balls, man. I stay away from a**holes.

Donnie:
What's up, man? Smelling your a**hole?

Harmon Tedesco:
Nope. Just my balls.

Thad Castle:
He was using you, mascot.

Sammy Cacciatore:
Yeah? Well at least he knows my name. So who's using who?

Thad Castle:
Hey, I know your name, but saying isn't what's important right now.

Thad Castle:
Enough! We have a game in two hours. We've got the entire team in a pile. Everyone's got a motive for touching my a**hole. Guys hands are smelling like sh*t. Mascot's got the homeless guy.

Sammy Cacciatore:
[Gestures to self] Sammy.

Thad Castle:
[Screeching] And now you're telling me the coaches could be involved? This goes way deeper than my a**hole.

Harmon Tedesco:
In retrospect Donnie, you think maybe the coach told you to "Spit on the ball" not "Sh*t"?

Donnie:
No! I'm pretty sure...

Harmon Tedesco:
Donnie, I was there, he said "spit".

Donnie:
Oh,*ahhh* my bad [chuckles nervously]

Thad Castle:
I'm gonna sack you so hard your dick's gonna go into your throat and your gonna choke on your dick and die!

Thad Castle:
Moran, I always thought you had little p*ssy balls. But today, you showed me that inside that little p*ssy ballsack of yours, are other balls; bigger balls. Balls, that while still not as big as my balls, are bigger than the p*ssy balls I thought you had.

Alex Moran:
I really don't know what to say to that.

Thad Castle:
How about "You're welcome!"?

Alex Moran:
You're welcome?

Thad Castle:
Thank you!

Thad Castle:
[Reading plaque on wall] Hasta La-later, Sean... Elway. You know talent piece of garbage! Alex Moran just shattered your shitty six TD record. [breaks plaque over knee] Alex Moran for life!

Harmon Tedesco:
This is special teams. We like to play hard, we like to party hard. We also like to triple team chicks, that's European style. Don't worry, our d*cks will never touch.

Thad Castle:
Scrimmage to the Death!

Alex Moran:
Are you sure that this is gonna work?

Thad Castle:
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Alex Moran:
That's what I'm afraid of.

Coach Marty Daniels:
God dammit!

Thad Castle:
Woooooo! Stick a fork in him, he's done baby!

Coach Marty Daniels:
[to Thad] What is wrong with you? You don't hit the quarterback in practice!

Radon Randell:
Owwww! My shoulder!

Thad Castle:
He was a receiver and he was in my zone. Anybody who comes into my zone, gets laid out. That's what I do! I LAY PEOPLE OUT!

Coach Marty Daniels:
[to Thad] You know what? I oughta lay you out!

Coach Jon Jon:
[to Daniels] It's just a stinger coach, he'll be okay.

Coach Marty Daniels:
[to Thad] You're one lucky son of a b*tch!

Thad Castle:
[meekly] He was in my zone.