Bo' Selecta!

Avid Merrion:
Hello to you. My name is Avid Merrion. I am number one celabrity superfan here in the world. This is my programme, I hope you like it, it is warm.

Michael Jackson:
Kiss my bad self motherf***er cha'mone!

Reporter:
So, David what's the latest on your transfer?

David Beckham:
It's not a transfer! It's a real tattoo and it says, "My Name is David"! Huh-huh!

Craig David:
Ya wot, Kes? Don't call her that, Kes! She's not a slag, she's me mum!

Kelly Osbourne:
[on Christina Aguilera] She's one of the most disgusting people in the world! Sure, she had an amazing voice, but that doesn't change the fact she's a total [bleep]! I mean she looks like a [bleeping] drag queen! Right dad?

Ozzy Osbourne:
You're all [bleeping] mad!

Kelly Osbourne:
Not me, I'm just slightly overweight.

Ozzy Osbourne:
[mutters] Fat b*tch.

David Blaine:
Later on I'll be milking beer from a cow, keep watching!

David Blaine:
As a kid I would spend many hours in my bedroom jerking off to pictures of beautiful women. Now I can make actual beautiful women appear in my bedroom by using the magic. Shazam!

Craig David:
Channel 55 and a box of tissues, that's what I use for my sexual issues.

Gandalf the White:
Thou shall not pass! Unless you can do a handstand for your grandfather!

Mary Jane:
Do you love me?

Peter Parker:
Um...

Mary Jane:
Do you love me [starts to unbutton shirt]

Peter Parker:
Er...

Mary Jane:
[shows chest] Do you love *these*?

Peter Parker:
Ooh!

Marilyn Manson:
This is the living room, where I like to relax and sometimes stick my penis between my legs and pretend I'm a lady.

Ant Man:
I canny help it man, the blood rush round me head keep me pantin' all the time... weyhey man, I'm Ant Man.

Dec Pet:
An I'm Dec Pet, and this is the part of the show where we don't know what's gonay happen.

Ant Man:
So as always, lets take out our earpieces.

Dec Pet:
And lets turn off the autocue, howay gi' us the card. This week, Ant Man will be doin, or no pet someone doesn' like you!

Ant Man:
Why's it always me man!

Dec Pet:
Howay, don't be such a bairn, Join us afta the break to find oot what he'll be doin!... Weyhey that was a long one, alreet pet, this week, Ant Man will be getting' bummed by a special mystery guest, I go gan see if their ready

Dec Pet:
Alreet pet, this weeks guest, all the way from Byker Groove, it's me Declan Donnelly! I canny believe it man, I've been wanin' to do this since SMTV, he gives me a reet Wonkey Donkey, and no, I won't be usin' an implement, I'll be usin' me manhood, I haveney bummed him before but like me father said when I were a bairn, there's a first time for everything, so lets get crackin' with the knackin'!

Dec Pet:
Ooh, howay son. I donay need no butta, this is goin' straight in. This is better than Cat Deeley man, smile ya bastad, smile!

Mel B:
Ola! That's Spanish for how do, yer bastards, yer!

Craig David:
The ICE is THAT thin... and YOU'RE SKATIN' ON IT, LAD.

Michael Jackson:
Today is visitay day and I got that Liz Taylor b*tch coming to see me, that's the American Pat Butcher. OW!

Michael Jackson:
When they say phat, they meant it with a P-H! So what's going down, Liz? You tape my TV shows?

Liz Taylor:
I sure did, Michael, you little motherf***er! I taped you The Cosby Show, the Diff'rent Strokes and a one hour documentary on Richard Pryor, on the Biography Channel!

Michael Jackson:
Chamone! Richard Pryor be a bad motherf***a in Superman 3! He put black on the map! Ow!

Liz Taylor:
He sure did, Michael! But what about Lenny Henry?

Michael Jackson:
Lenny Henry be outta sight! With the red nose and the Ooooh-Kaaaay! Check it with me brothers...

[everyone]

Michael Jackson:
Ooooh-Kaaaay!

Liz Taylor:
[giggles] I'm gonna marry that b*tch, Michael, just for you! You lil motherf***er!

Michael Jackson:
Chamone, Liz! Cha-motherf***ing-one! Eh!

Michael Jackson, Other Inmates:
[protesting while in Prison] We all want some Country Fried Chicken! We all Want Some Country fried Chicken!

Michael Jackson, Other Inmates:
That Country fried Chicken is finger-lickin'! That Country fried Chicken is finger-lickin'!

Michael Jackson, Other Inmates:
That Slop and Sh*t, it makes us mad That Slop and Sh*t, it makes us mad

Michael Jackson, Other Inmates:
Give us some Chicken, you'll know who's bad! Give us some Chicken, you'll know who's bad!

Michael Jackson:
Who's Bad?

Other Inmates:
You're Bad!

Michael Jackson:
That's Right, I'm a bad, invincible country fried chicken demonstrating muthaf***a!

Craig David:
Reeto! Craaaiiig David 'ere with our Kes and we're in Lapland! And we're staying at the Snowland Hotel and as you can see, it's shaped like two tits! Bo' Selecta!