Bob & Tom Comedy All-Stars Tour

David Crowe:
I read about a guy in Michigan this winter who was cruising along on his snow mobile.

[pantomimes driving a snow mobile]

David Crowe:
"Whoo hoo!" Didn't see a barbed wire fence, FOOM. Cut his head right off. And I'll be honest with you, my first thought was

[clicks his tounge]

David Crowe:
"That's how I want to go."

[laughter]

David Crowe:
Having the time of your life, "whoo hoo!" FOOM. I want the last thought in my head to be "hey, check out that headless snow mobile driver."

[laughter]

David Crowe:
"He's got a jacket just like mine."

David Crowe:
I've got nothing against hunting, but I'm a little annoyed at Ted Nugent on my television all the time.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
"I think everybody should hunt their own food. You got to get out there, there are no steroids, no antibiotics, it's better for nature, for the environment. Kill it and grill it, that's what I do. Everybody should. Kill it and grill it!"

[laughter]

David Crowe:
I don't know how to tell you this, Ted, but not everybody is a retired, millionaire rock star, ya doorknob.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
You know? A lot of people work ten hours a day. They don't have time to dress like a bush for another six every time they want a sandwich.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
Yeah, you've got four kids in the van, that drive-thru looks pretty good.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
You know? "Yeah, give 'em the steroid patty, I don't care. We've got to go to soccer practice." Plus, I don't know about you, but I don't have 800 acres of my own land in upstate Michigan to prowl around on.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
You know? I go hunting on my property, I'm gonna get sick of eating cat pretty quick.

[laughter]

[about his time as an alcoholic]

Nick Griffin:
People say "well, why don't you just have one?" I say "for the same reason I don't stroke myself one time."

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
"The good part's coming up."

Nick Griffin:
I feel the same way about pot as I do about "Lord of the Rings". If you're still *really* excited about it when you're forty...

[shrugs]

Nick Griffin:
You may have f***ed up somewhere.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Yeah. You ever notice old potheads begin to *look* like Hobbits?

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
So, I'm in the, uh, the grocery store earlier this week. Check this out, ladies. This is how men think. I'm in the grocery store, I'm standing in line, there's this big doofus next to me. He's balding.

[pointedly to the audience]

Nick Griffin:
Which is fine.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
But he's got the comb-over. PWANK.

[pantomimes a comb-over]

Nick Griffin:
The swirl.

[pantomimes a cowlick on his head]

Nick Griffin:
Hawaiian shirt, gut, fanny pack.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Yeah. This *gorgeous* woman walks by. He says to me, "Oh, man... if I wasn't married."

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Yes, sir. If you weren't married, you'd never get laid. *EVER*. I'd see to it! I would actually quit my job, and cock block you for the rest of your life.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Yeah. You have a fanny pack on, sir. Unless that's got chloroform and a rag in it, you're not having sex.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
I'm sure there's some divorced people here, yeah. Sure.

[whoops and hollers]

Nick Griffin:
Absolutely. Nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people get divorced. Tons. Especially these days. So many people get divorced these days, now it's the people that stay married that really seem strange. "25 years? Oh, my God. What happened?"

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
"Don't you know you can get out of it?"

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Embarrassing, though. My wife and I, we only lasted three years. We were supposed to be together until one of us *died*! I never even had a fever!

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
She felt I was, uh... too down, I was too negative. Well, this divorce should help.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
She said I had changed. You ever hear that from your partner? "You've changed. You didn't used to be like this. If I'd known you were going to be like this, Nick, I never would have gone to bed with you." Well, guess why I didn't tell you?

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
I was trying to move some product.

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Marriage is hard, man. Hard. No one tells you... marriage is so hard, Einstein got divorced. Did you people know that? I didn't. Albert Einstein, arguably the most intelligent man who ever lived, got divorced. They should tell you that before you get married. It shouldn't be "Do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?" It should be "Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?"

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
My friends were shocked that I was getting divorced. "You're getting divorced? That's weird. You seemed so happy at the wedding."

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Yeah, well, uh... the wedding's not part of the marriage. You're not into it at that point. The wedding. That's like telling a shark attack victim "Gee, you seemed okay on the beach."

[laughter]

Nick Griffin:
Yeah. It happened after that. I just, uh... never said the right thing when I was married. Ever, you know? I remember one time, my wife said to me "My grandfather used to tell my grandmother she was the most beautiful woman in the whole world every day of their marriage." Well, yeah, back then they didn't have cable. He didn't know.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
I don't understand how come hunters call themselves sportsmen.

[laughs]

David Crowe:
Hunting's difficult, takes skill, but I don't know if it's a "sport". If it is, it's the only sport where the other team has no idea it's playing.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
I don't understand why hunters brag about their biggest kill. All... they always do that, too. But aren't... aren't those the easiest ones to hit?

[laughter]

David Crowe:
How do you miss a moose, you guys?

[laughter]

David Crowe:
I think it'd be cool if hunters, uh... or taxidermists had to stuff the animal doing what it was doing when you shot it.

[laughter]

David Crowe:
That would add a whole new level to the hunting challenge, wouldn't it? 'Cause you'd have to wait for it to do something cool. You couldn't have, like, "'Why'd you stuff your bear sleeping?' Oh, I got him in January." You know?